mandiej367

6 years ago, almost to this day, I met a boy who I was smitten with… He was charming and intelligent, had great taste in music, and taught me to drive stick shift, a near-impossible task. My crush turned into one of the best friendships I’ve ever had – finally, a person who really got me, a soulmate if there is such a thing in this world.

2 years ago, he moved to Brooklyn, and I felt forgotten. No phone calls, no emails, no mixtapes of random indie-emo-techno-pop. I went to visit, it wasn’t the same, we had a fight. All of his new friends weren’t like me. Some of them weren’t even like him.

When he decided to come back, I was overjoyed. We picked up where we had left off. We were instant friends once again.

This summer, his heart led him back to Brooklyn again, and this time, seemingly more permanently. Brooklyn has this power to silence him in my life. The unanswered phone calls hurt. They hurt like hell. I miss my friend.

I realize in these past entries, I’ve merely been listing the people I need to forgive. Now I need to work on letting the forgiveness come…

As of today,I am HPV free! My immune system did what it was supposed to do and got rid of all the abnormal cells.

I am going to mark this goal completed, although I am still going to use my role as a health care professional to stay on my Pap-smear soapbox. There is still such a stigma and a misunderstanding about so many women’s health issues – this is a simple, cheap, and effective way to take good care of yourself so you can be around to take care of others. I am so glad that this is what I get to do!

This is the date that I am relieved of my contract to be in my current job position here in Buffalo.

I’m terrified of moving, but just as I was sure that the time was not right this year, I am certain that it will be next year. I have made my peace with Buffalo. I love the parks and the parkways, the riverwalk, the falls… all the good places to eat and get coffee and shop for eclectic things… all of the coworkers and mentors and patients… all of the friends and past loves and memories. I hate how this city full of vacant houses, with its declining economy and bureaucracy could be, would be, should be so much more than it is. I hate that my friends are all leaving to follow their jobs and their lives elsewhere. I hate that my reasons for staying are declining in number. I am here for comfort, pure and simple. I am here only because this is where I have been for 6 years, and it’s time to admit that to myself.

Time to conquer my fear and start preparing myself emotionally and financially to go.