marla_mae

may i remain patient with life and it’s never ending challenges.

the truth of the matter is this: I have fallen with a man who is afraid of commitment, who has been bruised many times before I met him, and is now scared to fall into commitment.

i backed off when he told me that he wanted us to just remain as friends. i was scared to lose the happy days, so i just retreated as his friend, and i told him that we will be like what we were before, and nothing more.But well, for some time he thought that i was still hoping, and he acted so stupidly because one time he bursted out saying that i was all over him. I was so shocked because I was avoiding him for so many months. I have not called or texted him, except for the time when I found out that he hurt his leg. We fought, then the cold war…then remained distant “friends”.

we never really gotten into the boy-girlfriend stage, but the friendship progressed to dating, then him making me a light dinner, and me falling onto his lap. No sex yet, lol—-sigh.

Anyway, it is a hard road for me. Before when we are close we feel a strong chemistry. Now I am happy that I do not feel that way anymore,because I really feel like running away, fighting off the feeling. but then instead of chemistry, I feel so calm and protected when he is so near, sometimes I want to just stay beside him, but I can’t. I have to make him think that I don’t care at all. I do not want to get hurt more.

For someone who is also afraid of falling,and unyielding to my own heart I am amazed on how I still cling to my memories with him. How I would still say yes inspite of our “cold war”.

It is a waste of time really. I do not make any move, but just kindness. How I can win him back is really up to God. I don’t know anymore. I leave it up to God to make movement.

all the time i was just centering on the things i have to accomplish: studies, earn a degree, start a career. i did not look around for love.

after i accomplished those things,i gradually realized how i also needed someone. i am emotionally available!

there is this co-worker of mine who had a huge crush on me, whom i gradually fell in love with. now, totally. we have only dated once, but somehow we ended up hugging and kissing and then i realized that he was the one.

but somehow i don’t understand why he bolted up and decided that we should remain as friends only. I could not let go still. he is the only man whom i really really feel for.

lately we always end up having petty fights. He’s suddenly quiet and seems so aloof with me. However, i have heard that he would sometimes ask people about me.

I am getting jealous with the way he is with other people: why isn’t he not like with me? We used to enjoy each other so much.

But just to be with him is like bliss to me. If only he realizes. My heart beats fast when i see him. How i love to get the opportunity to just touch him, even a little.