marthathehipster

What fills my soul? Yoga. Donation based yoga. I love them for giving my soul just what it needs. <3

For about two months I was dedicated to walking one hour every day and practicing yoga 4-6 days a week. My body, though not carrying an excess of weight beyond 5 or so pounds, has been left idle for years. I’d recently quit smoking and was on a roll with my health. It felt great. My body begin to make such drastic changes. My shape began to change. I realized that my true, healthy body shape is more like a boy. I suppose a boy with athletic thighs, but still. I’m female. It’s weird. And I have short hair. And I have no boobs. It’s strange and different and new. I’ve since cut way back on all my movement to only a yoga class every couple weeks. It’s not that I hated what my body had become, I loved it….but I think it might be a mind over matter thing. If I lose what little ‘womanly’ shape I have (luscious thighs I’ve forever had a love/hate relationship with, most recently only when with a male with thinner thighs- I know, I’m weird), what does that mean for the rest of my femininity? I am a single, super short haired girl with AA’s and tattoos. I am logically and consciously in love with this…but unconsciously I think I’m hearing my Grandmother’s voice, “you’re 26 and still single…why are you ruining your chances of finding a great guy by making yourself look like that?” Oye. Stereotypes and social expectations die hard.

Since cutting back I’ve felt like such an angry little child, playing the blame game in my head, being irritable, etc. I really, really loved my walks, and I really, really, really fell in love with yoga. So why the hell did I stop?

I am eager to try again. To be brave and actualize what I know is possible: my healthiest Self- body, mind, and soul. I feel like I might have just gotten scared that I might actually have a body I can be completely in love with, completely confident in, completely proud of, and chickened out on going all the way- to making it normal. I remember this same thought just before quitting smoking though: “If I actually get what I want in this one aspect of my life, what does that mean for the rest of it?” or the idea that if I don’t have my body to worry, complain, or “feel bad” about, what will I worry, complain, or “feel bad” about? :) It’s a thought mostly in jest that makes me relax and enjoy laughing at myself for a moment. God forbid I actually get what I want through doing what I want. Sheesh. ;)

As soon as an idea comes in, my fears come out. My head goes between “totally possible” and “will inevitably fail”. The optimist in me argues this is only due to the fact that those ideas are, in fact, not quite what I am looking for. As the ideas come, though, I am now attempting to look at them with less emotion and more pragmatism. Eventually one will have to make enough sense (and my proverbial balls will have grown) to take the leap and never look back. For now I stay in the in-between. It’s becoming a tight space and the pressure to move forward is inevitable.