mbk122

This is an addiction, one that i am going to face for the rest of my life. Sometimes i wonder whether i pushed it too far and it’s too late for me now, but i still have that tiny bit of hope, to be free and to recover, to not have to take pills everyday just to stay on my feet.

well i’m back here after a year of ‘recovering’, but i don’t honestly know if there’s a way out of this disorder. I can’t see a future for myself without anorexia, i can’t imagine just sitting down to eat or even enjoying food again. I’ve got ‘good’ things going for me in life, good grades, intelligent and am always told i can be what ever i want to be, but what if that is nothing? I guess i’m just in a bout of depression but this time there is no light at the end of the tunnel (fuck that sounds cheesy).

well i thought i had been ‘recovered’ since August, having a meal and a snack a day and managed to maintain my weight in a comfortable zone, i havent purged since early August but i can feel myself slipping.

I think a relapse is coming, it feels like there is another side of me trying to get out and it will do anything it can until it does. Recently Ive stopped feeling hungry, i’ve become aggresive and started to shout at people unexpectedly and then take any anger and frustration out on myself by, well you know, doing what an anorexic does best =( .

I havent starved myself much recently, and have been eating to try and keep my energy up, but i’m still scared that i might fall back into my disorder.

I think i just need to organise my life a bit.