mdd23

Not anytime recent will I adopt, but I would actually like to eventually. For now, I am too young to adopt, (Funny how I am one of the Only 16 year olds who actually want a baby, but I am) so I will wait.

I have always wanted to have a baby boy; I am so tired of females, my house is full of them, and my mom claims to only like baby girls only (except for her son/my brother), but again, I am so sick of having a house full of nothing but girls…. I would love a baby boy to call my own, something different and exciting (ya know?).

If he had a name already, that would be okay, but if I had the chance to name him myself, well, I rather like the name (Though it’s considered ‘stupid’ or ‘weird’ by some) Django. It is my absolute favorite name.

This must sound pretty immature coming from someone as young as I, but I know that this is something that I really want. When my mother mentioned the idea of taking in children temporarily in foster care, like an aunt of hers used to do, I felt my self want to do the job, to care for and love a little child.

I very much doubt that I would sooner have a child of my own, so adoption would be welcomed, and I hope one day soon that I will be able to.

Trying to look better. As I’ve become older I’ve began taking much more of an interest in my appearance, and try to look as nice as I can (Usually. I’ve taken More, – being the key word here – of an interest but I still am not as committed as I Should be. I have a few issues to work out first, but I’m trying.)

I have had several people accuse me of being depressed, and I’m not sure what to think. I do have (apparently) symptoms of depression, but I never thought that I might full on have it. The only reason I am really looking into it now is because I have starting feeling much more uncontrollably sad, recently. The last two days I have had the strong urge to tear up or cry, without a straight forward reason, and I did so, this morning.

I know I am under a lot of stress, and I wonder if this is causing the symptoms, and if these symptoms are, or will become, actual depression. And if it is, what am I to do? When I was in elementary school, and went to go see the counselors after I had an emotional/angry outburst, she phoned my mother who was then angry with me because she did not see why I would think I needed help in that way. (Meanwhile, She was seeing a shrink of her own, trying to get past her ex boyfriend – Not my father b.t.w. – so apparently the Only one allowed to have issues in our house is her.) I do not know what to do. Now I fear asking for help.

I am in high school, it was even two of the nurses who asked me if I was depressed and that I could “Go down to guidance if I needed someone to talk to” which i had to once after having a nervous breakdown in gym class. Anyway, I fear that they will call my mother again. (Although, especially after today, she knows that I at least a little feel like total sh. Even if she doesn’t know How Long I’ve actually felt this way.)

I’m just not sure what to do. Maybe it’s more powerful because I’m still a teenager? But then why have I felt this way since (I don’t even remember) elementary school? middle school? and will it get worse?

Symptoms(?)
1. Sadness (all of the time, even if I’m happy and want to laugh, or maybe it’s vice versa, who knows anymore)
2. (Related to #1) The powerful urge to cry (For no real reason.)
3. Tiredness (I am so tired, All of the time. Even if I have just slept, I could probably fall back to sleep again.)
4. Irritability/Sudden Anger (Happens way too often, and to a point where I don’t even realize I’m angry or temperamental until someone says that I am.)
5. (I don’t know if this is related) But lately my fingers had started trembling a little. I remember taking my Chemistry midterm a few weeks ago, and stopping for a few minutes when my fingers started to tremble slightly. And now I think it may start to take over my whole hands, because when I reached for the toothpaste in the bathroom this morning, I think my whole right hand shook for a second or two…. maybe it was my imagination… I hope I don’t have to add anxiety to this list.
6. I feel a little more empty/”I don’t care”-ish lately. Just a “I’m done, I’ve had it feeling” I really just don’t want to do anything anymore.
7. (This is a little weird, and I’ve Never told anyone this… *God knows why I’m now telling the Entire Internet) Sometimes I have these thoughts that aren’t really suicidal, just… they could be. The most common one, for some reason, is picturing myself taking a small shard of glass and swallowing it, and replaying it tearing up my throat over and over a few times – mainly, I think, because I’m trying to fight the thoughts by doing something like having my imaginary hand grasp the glass before it goes down all the way, so that my throat is only torn up and that i haven’t actually swallowed it. ... It’s weird, I know, but they are random, and not really strong thoughts, so I never decided to tell anyone. (At least not anyone who knows me in real life.)
8. Mood swings – and very much total opposite ones at that. I can be very content one minute, and then angry and hateful another.

I think this is it for my symptoms (If you even want to call these that). (Thank God right? If that’s your religion that is)

Advice? I’d appreciate it.
A very confused teenager, too mature for her own good (or so she is told.)

- Signed MDD23