megasaurus

3 WEEKS.

BOSTON UNIVERSITY, here I come!

only a few more months…

Well. I got into my top two choices… Boston University and Drexel…but my mom won’t cosign my 15,000 student loans. So now my years of getting no sleep and working my ass off will be well spent in community college…fun.

AND THEN I come home to hear her having sex with her boyfriend, and I am too disgusted and terrified to know what to do.

Well, I have a date tomorrow. A first date. A “first” date in about a year now… I think I might be ready to let someone in. Hopefully, hes a really sweet guy.

I got into some schools!! I got a 50K scholarship to one too!!

I am officially going to college!

My skin isn’t too bad…but I want it to be golden. I want to have skin that people will complement, not just glance over. I started using this biore warming creme mask thing that is REALLY cool. You put it on, and you can feel it warm up your face!

This is going to be hard for me… I am a fencer and wearing a mask and tons of protection makes it really hard to keep my skin clean and not clog up… I will have to see how this new product works…

i wrote a short story! its about one aspect of my life… stupid, but funny. I think I will continue to write short stories as i age and maybe publish a collection… that would be interesting.

We haven’t been together for…3-4 months now. I’m done, totally over it… I have been for a long time now. It has taken me my entire life to be able to trust; I am constantly afraid of failure and rejection. After years of therapy, I felt that I was finally able to be myself and let another person see my personal wounds; and he ended up breaking my heart. I am SO resentful. Its not that he is a bad person, I just don’t know if I will ever be able to let down my wall again.

I am afraid I will never allow myself to become susceptible to that much excruciating emotional pain. I am frustrated, but I don’t even know how to heal.

Why is it that everyone in the world can tell me that I am pretty, but I just don’t believe it? When will I get to a point of my life where I can look in the mirror and be satisfied with my reflection? A friend recently told me that when looking back at old photographs, I went from being cute to beautiful. My boyfriend tells me I am the most gorgeous girl in the world but I just can’t see it. Why can’t I, and apparently 316 other people (on 43things alone) just feel the way we are told we look…pretty?

I always thought I looked like a super creep with long nails, but I have decided to stop being cheap and get manicures so my nails look pretty… I have gone for about two weeks and I have to say… I like the way slightly longer nails look. I never bit my nails to the point where they bled, but I never had any white show on my nails. Now there is a bit of white, and I think it looks really nice. I feel like my hands look more feminine, and I like it a lot!

I kind of got into a really big fight with my boyfriend today and I realized that while I think I am a terrible girlfriend, it might not be me thats so awful. Maybe when I get upset about something, I have a right to be mad, and im just succumbing to my guilt for getting mad.

ok… i would say that I have about 75% completed this goal. To make a long story short, a bunch of people in my school are being assholes to my best friend because she cheated on her boyfriend, which is inexcusable, but it has gotten to a point where it is out of line. My friend is ready to kill herself over this and her ex boyfriend hasnt confronted her about this himself. I talked to him before when he asked me what her problem was and I talked to him for a while and also told him to stop having his friends do his dirty work of harassing her. A week later, the harassment continues, and as her best friend, im fed up. She is not going to stand up for herself because she hates her self for doing it. If these kids want to continue harassing my friend, they can go ahead and do it… but not without me saying something back. No one needs to kill themselves over this messy thing. People make mistakes.. shit happens. no need to put salt in anyones wounds

i have semi completed this goal. normally the only person I will argue with is my mother, however, i recently broke up with my boyfriend and when he wouldnt leave me alone, I knew that i had to say something. I was terribly nervous, because looking up at my 6 foot 180 pound boyfriend from a measly 5’1 and 115, i was scared. but i told him he had to leave me alone. no, we were not getting back together, and this was not a topic that we would debate over. many more words were shared, but overall, i was so proud of myself for being able to stand up to someone who was trying to make me do things i didnt want. i dont know that i could do this again, but hopefully remembering this scene will give me a little more confidence to stand up for myself in the future.

yeah. i think im just getting worse. my ex and i just broke up… and he said he didnt want to deal with my shit because 1. i have a lot of problems and 2. i start dumb little fights. WHAT IS MY PROBLEM

LESS THAN 1 WEEK UNTIL I TAKE MY DRIVING TEST!!!!

i will never forgive her. she thinks she is helping me by watching me go to the bathroom so i dont throw up. she thinks it helps when she takes away all of my books because i tell her im having panic attacks. she thinks she helps when she decides i shouldnt go on medication for my anxiety because she “knows” me so well. thanks for checking with me, mom, before you decided what was best for me. i really appreciate it when you do things like humiliate me for having problems, that are things that you caused.

fuck. this. shit.

i am so close. and i did not think this would ever happen. tomorrow is my date day.

well… i was not totally sure that i could do it, but i have 3 weeks of summer left and only 500 more pages! Harry Potter REALLY helped me out on this one. haha… im really glad i almost did this and i just hope i dont get lazy and dont do it