I am just so sad. I went to bed sad, I woke up sad. As usual, my ex came by to take my daughter to school this morning. He took one look at me and asked “Is something wrong?” I looked down to the floor and shook my head No. If only he knew. We make little to no eye contact and only have small conversations about our daughter. It’s best this way. Otherwise we’ll politely exchange an occasional “hi and “bye”. Of course I knew this wouldn’t be easy, but this really sucks!! I’ll be okay I guess.
Can’t get it out of my head. It goes something like:
I don’t, wanna…
love you, don’t wanna…
need you, just wanna..
leave YOUUUUU…..I just want it to be OVERRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!
I think there was too much pressure on both of us to try and maintain a relationship. We expected too many things from each other and when we didn’t get it, we both got mad at each other which always escalated into an argument. We wanted so bad for things to work out with each other, but can’t seem to make any leadway. Now, there is no pressure to maintain a relationship. I’m done trying and I feel much calmer and at peace now. The storm is over, now all I have to do is GET OVER HIM!!
With the assistance of sleeping pills, my body has finally gotten used to going to bed at a reasonable hour :-) I still wake up in the middle of the night, but not as often and sometimes not at all. I feel so much better in the morning and I don’t have a need to use my Snooze button anymore. The sleeping pills were supposed to help me get my sleeping schedule back on track and in which I have succeeded. FINALLY!!!!
After our last fall out, I emailed my ex and told him I’m done trying and officially calling it quits!! His reply….”Ok, so thats it then…..........Well im glad you were strong enough to make a decision I couldnt make. I thank you for that.”
Reality has hit. The storm is over. I am speechless and dealing with a wave of mixed emotions. I feel numb as I sit here staring at his reply. I daydream into space, but have no idea what I’m daydreaming about.
I feel nausious. I’m going home now…..
While recovering from my illness, an unexpected bill came through and set me back tremendously!! Once again, I’m waiting until I can save up enough money to sign up for driving school :-(
The problem with my ex is that he has no idea how to be attentive. Actually, the problem is with his video game but anyway…..we’re back to not speaking! We hung out this weekend, in which was great. Sunday comes, I receive no calls from him all day. So I wind down and decide to call him that night. He was waiting for my call, but couldn’t pick up the phone and call ME himself! When I call, there is hardly any conversation because he can’t do two things at once. Namely he cannot play his video game and talk on the phone at the same time. When he does, I get little to no conversation. So, I find myself doing most of the talking and not having much input from him on anything. I feel disappointed and ignored, so I end the conversation and hang up. Monday night, I call him. Of course, he’s playing his video game. I discuss several topics just to start conversation, but once again I am having a one-person conversation with very little input from him other than an occasional reply here and there. I’m getting no where, so I get quiet on purpose. There is nothing on the phone but dead air. He finally notices the talking stopped, so he tries to strike up conversation. I am mad, I only reply back with one-word answers as he does. It gets quiet again, I am fuming!! He’s too busy playing games that he doesn’t even realize I’m still hanging on the line. I shout “HELLOOOOOO!!” He snaps out of it and tries to recover the conversation, but I am no longer interested. Once again and as always, I am being ignored over his video game. Just like that, an argument has ignited! I am upset for feeling neglected adn ignored, he is upset because I am angry and he blames that I “have an attitude problem.” I am always the blame, aren’t I? Instead of taking responsibility for his own actions, it’s always better to point fingers and blame me. I had every right to be angry because this is the very reason why we broke up in the first place. He is still incapable of showing me any attention because video games are more important than I am. If he valued me in any way, form or fashion, why not pause your game for at least a moment just so we can at least have a talk? I’m sad that things ended up this way because it always ends up this way. One week we’re speaking, the next we’re not! I can’t even express what I’m feeling right now. I feel like SCREAMING and BANGING MY HEAD AGAINST THE WALL!!! Words can’t express how or what I feel right now…...(fades away)
I’m still battling some serious sinus problems but i’m getting much better. My daughter went to spend the weekend with her dad (my ex) and I relaxed and slept all through the weekend. My mother called me on Sunday, and was surprised to see that I was still sick. She playfully scolds me for not calling her. My mom comes by and bring me a plate of food and talks me into going to a pharmacy to buy some medicine. I was desperate to feel better so I took her advice. I’m glad I did!! My mother goes into my kitchen and fixes me a plate. While i’m eating and letting my mother spoil me, my ex walks in the door with our daughter. He brings in some groceries for my little one. As he brings in the last bag, he hands me a bushel of roses, gives me a kiss on the lips in front of my mother and says “I hope you feel better.” WOW!!! I was a little surprised for the kiss, but showed lots of emotion and appreciation for the beautiful multi-colored roses he gave me. The entire time I spent gazing and smiling at my roses, the only thing that was going through my mind was “I wonder what my mother is thinking?” I couldn’t believe he kissed me in front of her. Even when we were together, we never kissed in front of my family so why did he do it now. Wow, I don’t know what to think! After our last talk (when I cried over the phone), he and I have been in good spirits and have been calling each other every day. It just feels really good to be able to get along. But I’m still shocked over the kiss!!!!!!! He kissed me even in my sickness and in front of my mother…that says something, but what? I think I already know the answer to that question :-|
So my doctor diagnosed me with insomnia and put me on Ambien. The medication worked great during the first week, but I think my body is still refusing to stay asleep at night. I am still waking in the middle of the night!! Either I have to get up and use the bathroom or I just roll over just to look at the clock. It takes me a little bit less time to fall asleep, but darnit I still can’t seem to stay asleep. Arghhh!!!!
For the record:
On the very first night I started Ambien, I fell asleep faster, stayed asleep all night long and woke up feeling super refreshed than I have ever felt in my life. I was hopeful that I had found a fix for my severe sleeping problem. Now, I’m not so hopeful :-(
Well I had planned for my next tattoo to be that of my daughters name, but I have another plan. I am experiencing pain. Pain from a broken relationship. I need to express myself. For each difficult/life-changing time in my life, there come’s another tattoo. I am ready for my next tattoo. I want a tattoo of some kind of heart. Maybe broken, maybe creatively on fire or something. Nothing typical of course, but I’ll know what I want when I see it! I want the tattoo in the middle of my back. Maybe on the lower back, maybe on the upper back. But it will be placed on my back. Depending on the cost of this Heart tattoo, I might get my daughter’s name done all at the same time. We’ll see. But i’m ready!!!!!!!!!
We talked last night…
Being emotional is sickening! I don’t cry alot but when I do, it’s a doosie! Talking to him is so frustrating. I can’t ever get anywhere with him and cannot get him to see or understand that he has a problem. He has an addiction with a video game. I’ve tried to get him to see that this video game has interferred with our relationship. He either doesn’t see the problem, or doesn’t WANT to see the problem. We still can’t seem to communicate, and I grew frustrated with the conversation. My frustrations got the best of me…he reduced me to tears, so I simply hung up the phone. But he refuses to give up on the conversation, so he calls me back repeatedly until I decide to answer. Still sobbing, I decide to answer on his third persistant phone call. I manage to compose myself. He shows no compassion or sensitivity (He’s always been that way). We continue the conversation, but at least more calmly and cordially. I’m no longer sobbing, but the tears continue to roll down my face throughout the rest of our talk. I grow tired, i’m sick, I have a cold and my throat is killing me. I end the conversation, drown myself with flu medicine and send myself to bed.
I am sick. Physically and emotionally.
I was supposed to start driving class on Monday, but I got sick with the flu over the weekend :-( Just a minor set back, but I’m still focused on my main goal!!!
He used my computer one day to check his email. While on my computer, he discovers that I’ve been using Myspace. He calls me and confront me about it. My reply was….”AND??” I told him “I am not your girlfriend and you cannot control me or tell me what to do!! I don’t use myspace for hooking up with people, I use it for adult conversation and friendships.” He is disappointed, I on the other hand don’t see what’s the big deal. On my page, I clearly have it written that I only use Myspace for entertainment and nothing else. But my ex always seem to think the worst of me. He thinks I’m using it to meet up with guys and sleep with them. It figures, but I’m not like that and he knows it!! He’s mad at me just because I have a myspace page. How rediculous is that? He’s acting childish and I’m appaulled at his behavior. Now he’s not speaking to me. A friend of mine told that since my ex is acting jealous, he might still have feelings for me. Well, I don’t doubt that. But still this is no reason for him to be upset with me when I told him the honest reason why I use Myspace. I have nothing to hide. One week we’re speaking, the next week we’re not. I feel like pulling my hair out. I cannot believe he’s acting like this, it makes me so angry!!! When is he going to realize he has no rights over me? I am not his WOMAN!!! I don’t have rights to tell him what to do, so what makes him think he has rights to tell me what to do!!!
I recently shared a story about how my ex tried to “get into my pants” and how I felt damned GOOD about rejecting him. I thought me rejecting him, was a clear sign that I was ready to move on. That was my first time ever rejecting him! I thought I didn’t want him anymore. As I sit here and constantly think about him still, I’m wondering if I am in DENIAL?? Am I honestly ready to move on?? I thought I was. I think the bottom line is I don’t know what I want. Although I’d hate to admit it, I’m starting to think it’s true. The truth is that I’m not ready to move on. Although a part of me wants to move on, I’m clearly not ready. Even when I try to keep busy, his face still seems to make it’s way to my brain. I think I need more time, need time to figure out what I want. I want to make it work, but don’t think it will. All efforts we have made, failed within one weeks time. I feel like I’m stuck in the middle of wanting him, but knowing that I still need to let him go someday! There…I said it! I’m in denial and I don’t know what I want or if I’m even ready to move on from him.
I’m still looking to sign up for driving courses. None seem to be convenient as far as location. I’ll keep looking today (hopefully).
The good news is that I’m getting more sleep at night :-)
The bad news is that I’ve started taking sleeping pills. I frustratingly talked to my doctor about my poor sleeping habits that I just couldn’t seem to break. The sleeping pills (Ambien) is supposed to help me get my sleeping habits on track. He said the trick to not becoming dependent on sleep medication, is to not take them every night. I just started the medication last night and saw a big improvement on how well I slept. Who knows if I’ll become dependent on them yet but I am glad I have started taking the medication. I really had no other choice because I have tried everything to get more sleep but nothing helped me. My doctor diagnosed me with INSOMNIA and agreed that I needed some kind of sleep agent. I would only recommend I sleep agent for people with special cases, like mine. Although it’s only been 1 night since I’ve taken the pills, I have no regrets!
I had a pretty emotional weekend. For some reason, I felt very emotionally/physically tired. I’m very under rested, stressed and can’t seem to get enough sleep at night. I’m also upset because my ex had car trouble so he couldn’t pick up our daughter and keep her for the weekend. I was sooo looking forward to that braeak and having some time to myself for once. Ultimately my disappointment turned into sadness. On saturday, the sadness continued. Later that night, my mother calls me (I forgot the reason why she called). So I’m holding the phone listening to her talk about her day, then suddenly….I start crying. My mother is concerned, I can hear the worry in her voice. She keeps asking me “what’s wrong”, but I continue to weep. My mother is becoming more worried, so I decide to answer her. In a very weak voice, I mutter “I’m emotional these days. I don’t even know what’s wrong with me. It’s just that….I’m soo tired!” My mother becomes even more worried. The last time one of her children told her “I’m tired”, he committed suicide. Yeah, my brother committed suicide several years ago. He was 20 years old and suffered from severe bipolar depression. But when I said “I’m tired” that’s not what I meant so I clarified myself. I told my mother I was emotionally and physically tired. I needed a break this weekend, and couldn’t get it. I need sleep at night, and can’t get it. I need to get out of the house, but can’t go anywhere. I need a friend, but I have none. I need companionship, but choose against it until I’m ready. While still crying over the phone, I let go of my fears and cry on my mother’s shoulder (well in this case, I cried in her ear). But she was there for me, and she listened. She understood how I felt and told me some stories of her own. While talking to my mother, she concludes that I am “lonely”. She hits the nail right on the nose!! I have always been very close to my mother but I have never EVER opened up to my mother like this. I’ve always refused to let her in on my personal life because my personal life is just that…..PERSONAL! But this time, I needed her. I needed to let go! She was there for me without even knowing that I needed her!! Isn’t that amazing? Coincedense? Who knows. All I know is that my mother called exactly when I needed her to. As soon as I heard her voice, I broke down and cried. She didn’t tell me that I needed some friends. She frankly told me that I need to get out of the house. I do want to get out, but currently I do not drive so that’s an obstacle that I have to work around. My mother is extremely worried about me. She also detects slight depression. My mother strongly advises that I go see a doctor. She is scared that I will end up like my brother. But my case is not that serious. I tell her i will call my doctor and I meant it. I will do it today. I want to fix my sleeping problems and I’m concerned about falling in/out of depression. Then I’ll let them decide what I need to do.
After talking to my mom and crying my eyes out, I felt alot better. Everything in my mind was….quiet. So I put my child to bed, and got some sleep myself. I want to dedicate this entry to my mother by thanking her. She knew I needed her, and she was there for me when I needed her the most. Aside from my daughter, my mother is the most important person in my life. I love her with all my heart!
I go to bed around 11:30pm and fall asleep within 15-20 mins. I wake up feeling underrested (as usual), but I have breakfast. I go work feeling bright-eyed bushy tailed and chipper. I even sat at my desk and hummmed a song at 7am in the morning. What the heck is this all about? I didn’t do anything special last night. I didn’t even have my usual cup of chamomile tea that noght. Nothing special happened that day. I still went to bed late and woke up feeling tired, but I after breakfast I felt chipper. I’ve had breakfast before going to work before but it never seemed to have altered my morning mood. Something was different this morning and by gawd I cannot figure it out. Anyway, just wanted share my story. I’m having a great day :-)
I don’t have much to say, but I’m still in awe about what happened last week. I still can’t believe he tried to have sex with me. Later that night, he calls me just to talk. I told him I didn’t appreciate him trying to get me high, just so he could have sex with me. He denied that was his intention and said he was only offering his weed just to be “nice”. BS!!! We talk some more, and I flat out tell him “I refuse to play second fiddle to your video game anymore. You have always put that b!tch before me and your family so I am done!!! He replies “Well since you don’t want me anymore then I guess we have nothing else to talk about.” He hangs up on me. I emailed him this morning because my daughter needs some items. No reply. He usually doesn’t ignore me when I tell him our daughter needs something. So I guess he’s really mad at me. Once again, I could care less.
I’m a tad bit upset! Why would he put me in a situation like that. I hated to have rejected him, but what does he want from me. Can’t he understand I’m done with all this? I fell for him once, but I don’t have the strength to do it again. I’m running late this morning and my daughter is still sleeping. I’m getting dressed, and he comes in my bedroom and offers me weed. I take it, and we smoke a little. I’m still getting ready and he comes up in my face, complements me and start fiddling with my pants. Immediately I am turned off. I’m late for work, hungry and just plain not in the mood. I take his hands away from my pants. He shakes his head and walks away in disappointment. I could not believe he litterally tried to get into my pants. I am baffled, but act as if nothing ever happened. I’m alittle upset because he purposely tried to get me high, just so he could have sex with me. I guess my initial thoughts were correct…..I’m obviously nothing but a piece of ass to him. Well, not anymore buddy!! He says nothing to me all week, now suddenly he’s trying to have sex with me. Ha…I don’t think so. Better go somewhere else with that shit cause I’m not interested!!! :-P~