meloveyouu

Is better whenever you are a honest person who has nothing to hide. Recently I made a mistake, or a series of them, and I can’t live with making any more of the kind. And of course I don’t want anyone to know about them, but it makes me feel sad and alone. Perhaps its was good to take the risk and do something, but it affected me adversely, so I’d really have nothing to hide from this point on. Starting now. Of course time will heal my mistake, but not making anymore would surely make me feel better…

“Enlightenment is the end of suffering.”

Beautiful..

I think my first goal is not eating this unless I have to, unless Im with friends and nothing else is offered and they can buy for me. sounds terrible but i think it could be a start. im also excluding subway out of this for beginners. I wonder if food court food applies too, but i’ll have to think that over. i think if i go one or two months without doing this then i’ll be good.

I just had mcdonalds. a cheese sammy with fries and a chocolate milkshake. i think mcdonalds is one of those foods thats fun to eat but makes you feel greasy all over after. I mean its tasty low quality food, but it certainly doesnt leave you with a sense of well being after. yechhh!

Well, the first day i tried this. only eating when im hungry and only eating serving size portions of things, and no sweets/ refined sugars. and drinking 8 huge glasses of water a day. I already feel really good, and my craving for sweets is way less. I dont even want them anymore. I dont feel gross or bloated like I normally do when I eat. Also cutting down on the dairy too. I think this is good and I’m going to exercise for 30 min, today. whoo!!

And I really wish I had a job to finance this. Film photography is as cool as hell, especially with the Holga and the Fisheye, but last time I developed some Holga pics they turned out crap, and it was rather expensive to get them developed and printed. I dont know what happened but it looked like the pictures had a punch of exposures on top of each other. Anyways, I hope I can get at least another roll or two developed.

I haven’t been doing so well lately and have been eating a ton. I need something to motivate me. Hmm..

I swear their music makes me feel so awesome. “The Moon” is one of my favorite songs. Even at night when I look at the moon I feel so amazed beccause my favorite song was inspired off of it. I’d really like to go to Anacortes and see all of the things inspired by Phil.

I hope I get to do this for mother’s day!!!!

I want to be healthier, and because thats so broad, i think this is much more specific, so it’d be easier to accomplish. yay!! starting tomorrow morning C:

Yesterday I did some on that living in the moment stuff. Everything seemed more vivid. I’m the kind of person that gets excited thinking about the future, or loves to relive moments in my mind, so I often wondered if living in the moment would always be worthwhile, but so far it is. Today I’m going to try my hardest to live in the moment. This moment!

I watched “W.” today. I didn’t quite finish it, but it was an interesting movie. I think there is a line in there that was probably the most inspiring of any movie I’ve seen for a while. Its when George is in a A.A. meeting and everyone leaves, and the pastor and leader of the group talks about God and all that good stuff. I’m not religious, but there was a line he said that could apply to everyone and it goes like ” I want you to treat everyone you meet :strangers, your friends, even your enemies like they are going to drop dead at midnight. Give everyone you meet all the love in your heart.”

and i love my baby sis CC:

After being bored of my hair for forever, I finally cut my own bangs, after a year of not trusting myself cutting my own. due to a bang accident before. I feel pretty accomplished about it, like maybe a new chapter of my life is starting or something. ahh!!

this is something i have been struggling with ever since i was six years old. sure, there have been times in my life where i have been free of ocd and all of the anxiety and fear that goes into that, and they have certainly been the best times of my life. but of course i obsess and worry and think about something else later- an ongoing struggle. time and time again i have felt like i was the only soul going through this, either i have never met anyone with my problems, they don’t exist, or they don’t talk about. anyways, i spent too much time feeling desperately, hopelessly alone, wrapped up in my own mind.

today was the first time i ever reached out for help. it was frankly terrifying, thinking the doctor was going to tell me i was insane or something, waiting there. but it felt so amazing to finally come out and tell people my problems and all of the things i’ve kept secret for so long. im going on meds and going to do counseling. i feel very optimistic, i know its not going to be always easy, but i feel i would do anything to be able to complete this or at least keep it under my control….i thank god for this.

1. Stop eating so much chocolate. and ice cream.. and brownies.. and “all that jazz.” or no, better: REPLACE them with nature’s candy!!
2. Exercise with a minimum of 30 min a day. quit procrastinating about it.
3. Stop saying ” I feel so fat.” hehe
4. Become vegan someday.
6.drink more water and eat more fruits and vegetables.
7. Be happy!!!

I don’t know. it seems like most of my young life has been controlled by fear in some way. Fear of failure, fear of not being good enough, fear of losing something good, fear of other people’s judgements of me, even fear of getting sick or hurt. I think i’ve wasted alot of time and energy. worrying and not hoping, fearing and not living. I want to be free forever, overcome my fears and be able to face obstacles with hope instead of intimidation or worry, so I can grow. I hope that it could be possible to overcome fear almost completely in this life (at least over most things) so we can live the fullest. I hope its possible to fully accept the fact that everything will always be ok, even in the toughest of times, and the strength to overcome anything. I want to be free of fear!!!!