merginglight

It was during my senior year of high school. I went in place of a girl who died the previous year, her parents invited me to go in memory of their daughter. What I remember most about the two week visit to three of the islands were the lava beaches, the white sand and crystal green water, the warmth of the ocean water, the short rain fall everyday at the same time, the dark tan I got in such a short time and that feeling of being a million miles from life and loving it.

Most my life has been spent in two ways, as far as my weight has been concerned – either just about where I’m suppose to be or overweight to the point of being uncomfortable. The government says I should weigh 144 lbs, I’ve only ever reached 142 once when I was 19 and when I was pregnant at the age of 24 I ballooned up to 230 lbs. I’m 40 now and for a lot of years I’ve fluxuated between 155 and 165 lbs, so this seems to be the weight I’m destined to be. This weight is not a bad weight to be so long as I stay at or under 160 lbs, because when I get upwards of 165 I am truly uncomfortable.
Lately though I’ve become curious. What’s it feel like to be way too skinny? What do my clothes feel like on my body and after I’m way too skinny, does my taste in clothing change? In gerneral, I just want to know. I’m a person who is very much in tune with my body’s rhythym and change and this too I want to know how it effects me. Why I feel it’s important at this stage in my life to know what it feels like to be too skinny, I can’t say – I just know that I’ve been every weight stage you can think of, except for too skinny.
I’m on my fourth day now of the new diet and I must admit, sometimes it gets difficult, but I’m mentally prepared to do what it takes and so as I go along the difficulties pass.
What does it feel like to not have a big poochy tummy? What does it feel like to walk along and my thighs not rub together? Does it feel different being skinny when lifting oneself up? My closet if sull of clothes I don’t wear because they’re meant for a thinner body and I’m excited about being able to wear them again. What will it feel like to have that option? What will my understanding become when I am finally way too skinny?
My intake of food has gone way down, almost to nothing, but not completely. In the morning I drink a cup of warm prune juice, then I take a series of vitamins you’re suppose to take on an empty stomach. Later on I eat a couple slices of cheese to put something in my stomach for the vits and mins you have to take with something on your stomach. I drink about three to four cups of water a day and about a pot and a half of coffee throughout the day. At night I drink a cup of hot beef broth and maybe a piece of meat if there’s one available.
Already I feel a difference. My jeans or pants no longer bind me, my feet don’t hurt to stand on all day and my bra’s don’t cut into my skin. I don’t have the gas I always had before. In general, I feel better, albeit, I am hungry a lot. However, after the first three days you tend to stop being hungry anymore. The hunger turns into something different, an easier feeling to work around. It just hurts a little.
A side note here is that I’m letting my hair grow out again and my nails. I want long and healthy hair and nails when I finally get way too skinny.
I’m sure there’s some arguments out there about becoming too skinny and I understand all that. I know it’s not healthy…however, I go forward unafraid. I just want to know for once in my life what it feels like to be too skinny, that’s all.

To be honest reality speaks for itself, you have to work to maintain your life and in most cases, the lives of those who depend on you. Most of the time that means doing work that doesn’t suit your mentality. It doesn’t have to mean that, but often times it does.
I’ve always thought one day I will be a great leader and I am getting there…but I’m learning that there’s a lot to that, that no one really thinks about when they dream of being a leader. Like, you have to do things you don’t want to do, to get to your goal. Ultimately, those things we don’t want to do, but do, are what makes us most strong. Those thing help us figure out what it is we really need to be doing, they help us make better choices more suited to our mentality, and the best of all is that those things we do but don’t want to be doing help us appreciate the world around us all that much more. Thing is, is that if you realize you’re not doing what you wat to be doing or in my case, what I need to be doing to be happy, then also realize that change is not an overnight thing. You invested a lot of your life to get where you are today…and if you realize it’s not really where you need to be, then whatever you do from now on, needs to be a persistant and dedicated investment towards what you need to be doing and that there’s no one true way to get to your goal. Life is full of choices.