meriibearr

I hate always clashing with people and their personal views. I hate putting people down with my constant sarcasm. I don’t mean to. And I regret it almost immediately. But I don’t know. I don’t know how to change it. But I know I want to. I want to be that person who is able to relate to anyone. And sympathesize with people and their struggles. I want to be the one people come to for advice and maybe just a shoulder to lean on. I want to find common ground with everyone. I want to be able to relate to people. I just want to feel as though I belong, or atleast have the ability to belong.

I want to be able to smile, laugh, feel warm and fuzzy inside in an empty room with no one else’s pulse present. I want to make myself happy. Be happy with who I am, what I do, what I think, what I feel. I just want to be able to have alone time and be completely content with it. Feel as though I’m not wasting my own time. Because, I can’t really escape myself, so I might as well be happy with myself and find a source of happiness deep within myself.

I used to run track when I was in middle school. I wasn’t a very pleasent person back then. Never really happy. Not sure why. But track gave me something to do. Something to focus on. Something positive. Something I could strive to be the best at. And conquer people. Something to make me feel better about myself. Running in circles around the track made me feel free. Although I was restrained by the painted lines, like we are when we’re driving, no one could tell me to do anything. I could’ve just stood there when the signal was given for me to start running. I could have walked the whole time. I could have disqualified myself and let someone else win. But running gave me time to myself. Complete and utter focus on what I wanted to do, win. I won quite often. I was completely exhausted after the fact, but the mere fact the I completed a mile in around 6 minutes. Was a great feeling. I mean, it’s not that significant now. But I held the school record for about a year or so after I left. (record for the girls that is). And it felt great to know that I was the best, even if it was for a limited amount of time. But now. I don’t care about winning. I care about running. It’s like therapy for me. I can think about whatever I want. I can pace myself. It’s just me and the earth. But my knees have limited me. And that’s what I want to overcome. My knees. They’re pretty messed up. They hurt atleast 2 times a week. It sucks. But I think if I complete a marathon, I can get my spirits up and believe in myself, again.