metamorphoxix2

I went to talk to my undergrad advisor yesterday.

Updated him on what I’ve done in the past 3 years which really isn’t much. He gave me good advice as always in particular expressing that “hiding” away in school is a good way to beat tough economic times while recounting his own dilemma in the 1990s.

And though I was more anxious of the financial debt aspect of grad school I was told with persistence and looking at schools that are not necessarily in my favorite top geographic locations that I can find and get funded to go to grad school.

Good to know… now on to studying for the GRE…i loathe tests.

It’s truly exhausting when you think about (or not) to be anything other than one’s “true” self.

When you let go of putting on a persona of how you think others should view you/ acting pretentiously like someone you are not…it’s…freedom.

Imagine just living and making the best out of the amazing vessel you embody in this moment. It seems so euphoric, but it’s an existence anyone can have. It’s hard right… particularly when one has developed habits of holding onto negativity and having that become part of your mental…your being…your Being.

What would you do if you knew that in 7 seconds,7 minutes, 7 hours, 7 days, 7 months, or 7 years that your last breath would cease to be?

How would you live?
How would you be, feel, love…?

Ok so I had my hair shaved completely off on Friday,January 16, 2009. I have not pulled since! And it’s funny the urge to pull has gone with it. I made the head shaving a ritual of sorts, in which I letting go of old things to make the positive drastic changes I want and needed in this lifetime. I have to admit I was quite apprehensive about how I would appear with a completely smooth noggin.

I shaved my head because I wanted to present myself and what is most vulnerable to me and that’s my head and what’s in it. When I’m anxious-I’m at my head…when I’m bored-I’m at my head…I wanted to expose the places I’ve covered for 20 years. This is one step to self healing-exposing my wounds outside to get to the ones hidden inside.

For 20 years my whole head had not been exposed…I had it so bad I wore extensions and then resorted to wigs just 2 months ago.

I couldn’t take it anymore…for one the wigs looked like wigs on me- I couldn’t parade it with confidence and it was so expensive for me to keep buying hair [especially with the way the economy is going
:-( } And lastly I hated the disguises I was using while not facing my problem(s).

So I went to a traditionally “male” barbershop- patchy head and all and asked to have my head shaved smooth. It had to be shaved smooth in order to be even with the “design patches” I created.Believe me I hesitated several times in my head, texted two friends(just 2 let them know what I was doing-knowing I would do it irregardless of their stance against it), and then in the end & suprisingly with their support had the 10 min. procedure done. The barber turns me to the mirror when he’s done and taaadaaaa!!!! I actually look cute with no hair….but that’s besides the point.

Having no hair to pull on my head allowed me time to go in overdrive mentally to start putting in place new habits- put positivity back in my mind. To ensure that I’m ever so conscious of my actions with my mind and my hands.

Those urges-to-pull have changed to scratching-a-itch…for i.e. I have put in my mind that those urges are an itch so instead i scratch my head or better yet moisturize it. I think being able to wash and massage my own scalp everyday and doing sauna has helped alot.

When I’m sitting in traffic, reading a oook, watching a movie, etc. I honestly no longer have the urge to pull. Instead I run my hand over my head taking in the shape of my skull and the feel of the stubbly new growth

I wish I had time now to articulate this change thoroughly, but I have to get to class. I will keep posting….

On a side note:
Metamorphoxix and metamorphoxix2 i.d. on 43things = same person-> that’s me…apparently i lost memory cells when my hair was shaved off.