mexsie

i should stop hating myself. i must not think tooooooo much…
my mum usually tell stories about buddha teaching..one of her story was….
there was a teacher, he was a religious man..( i think) and so he was in the middle of teaching his students… suddenly there’s this young man hurried into his class and told this teacher that is father had passed away. surprisingly , this teacher kept on teaching and as though nothing happened.all his students were curious of his behaviour because as a normal people , he would have run back home and cry but instead,he kept on teaching until his lessons are over. and off he go back home. so everyone asked him why did he react this way… he said that ‘will i bring back my father to life if i cried and run back home?, there is nothing i can do. everyone will die one day and i accept it, instead i will pray for him with all my heart for my beloved father”.

to be honest,i do not like to use the word hate.sounds very deep and disturbing kind of word.but i use it if i really feel the dislike for something…
aniwayz..i hate my big thigh, i hate the way i dress..i hate the way i think. but i don’t want these things to affect how i think.i’ve been hating myself since around 3 years back.. fortunately,i am still alive.thanks to the people around me who is supportive enough and a good listener to me.
whenever i feel sad or whatever negative thoughts,i cant control myself from asking them their opinion and sharing my feeling with them.and also i always think alot and always think what others think of me.
recently i have a crush on someone but how can i like somebody without knowing how to like myself first? how? and i have no guts to befriend with my crush..
i want to do alot of things but i don’t know how to do it.i had do research but also don’t know.sometimes i think that it is me who do not want to take the initiative to make things happen.
i feel i am useless because there are many more smart people out there??i want to be myself and live life with no regret as well as happy (not that i want to be never sad again – just that not too sensitive and think too much…)

i am very scare and worry because i am not concentrating in my exams….i mean studies….i concentrate .. but it is so hard to keep with the concentrating everyday..it is just so tired…i am so scare the examz is 3 more months..and trials is like 1 more month..i have alot to study…but i am still here onlining….how….sad…i can do it