mholik

I know 2 people who speak fluently, my bf knows 2 more… we can all get together and even if I just listen while everyone else talks, it REALLY really helps. So far I’ve hung out with each group once, I’d like to do more because it’s social, it’s fun, and it improves my Spanish! Hooray!

Beginning thoughts:

1. I worry about money. Even though I’m more financially comfortable than I’ve ever been, I worry. I am not very responsible with my money so there are stretches where I have none. Those are the times when I am worried about money. I want a better relationship with money so I don’t have to stress about it.

2. I am getting better at making money, but I heard somewhere that when you are ready to welcome more wealth into your life, you have to be ready to deal with that money. To take the time to manage it, to be responsible, to tend it… etc. Right now I’m not sure I’ve made that leap. I’d like to really, truly know I can handle more abundant wealth in my life. Even if I make more money, until I learn to really deal well with it (have a good relationship to it) I will still end up stressed out because I’m not using it well.

3. Is there a part of me that is resistant to increasing my wealth? No, seriously. For one thing, I’ve always been poor. Could I be so used to things being this way I’m afraid of change? After all, get too financially comfortable and it’s that much easier for the rug to be pulled out from under you should a disaster happen. Also, growing up poor, I’ve never REALLY seen anything wrong with it… it made me grateful for what I have, made me less wasteful, shaped me into a less materialistic person, taught me the value of things beyond money. Am I afraid of turning into the kind of person who over values things, money, profit… instead of life experiences, people, and integrity? Thirdly, part of me could be resistant to having more money because I don’t want to be selfish. I already have so much more than other people in the world. I mean, there are people who are wretchedly, desperately poor. What the hell have I done for them? What have I done to deserve any of the prosperity and fortune of being born in a wealthy nation, where even as a “poor person” I have shoes on my feet (and several in my closet) and enough food to have a flabby belly. I guess I don’t feel like I deserve it, even though I really do work hard and I’m good at what I do. So there’s some guilt there, guilt I’m not sure can be fully alleviated by charitable giving. But charity would help I think…

4. I NEVER imagined myself making much money. I decided to pursue an career in art, and went into it because I love it, with the preconceived notion this was not going to be very (or at all!) profitable. Now all of a sudden it would seem that yes, there is a way to make money and I think I might be a little surprised or caught off guard. Not what most people would consider “lots” of money, but more than I thought. Sometimes I worry that you get trapped by money. The more you have, the more you want. The scarier and scarier it becomes to do without. The more you depend on it and feel you “have to” keep your job in order to maintain your lifestyle. The more you come to believe you need things that you really don’t. I don’t want my job to be something I “have to” do… that would be killing something I love. Am I afraid that more money will lead to this kind of thinking and leave me less free?

These are just beginning thoughts, now that I’ve acknowledged these things I hope I can deal with them.

I AM ready for more wealth, if that’s what comes my way. I DO want to stress less about money and I DO believe I can make a change for the better. Here are a few things, off the bat, that I think I can do to improve my relationship with money:

-pay down debt and stop accumulating more of it!
-exercise more self-control in the following spending areas: dining out, retail (clothes especially)
-stick to my budget better. Ask my partner to take part in setting our budget priorities
-practice gratitude instead of envy
-give more money to charity, to keep in touch with the fact that money is less important than compassion or relationships
-remember that I already have more than I need
-realize that I DO deserve to be successful and that I should be rewarded for my hard work and skills.
-affirm to myself that no matter how much money I have, I will not become an asshole. I will not lose sight of who I am. I will not allow it to be the ruling force in my life and my decisions.

Well, this is a start.

Deadline is fast approaching and I haven’t completely neglected exercise or proper eating. I still drink too much coffee and beer, eat too much sweets and get too tense. And I have a week to go; we’ll see how I do with this as the week progresses.