wildflowerlove

I always sound so melodramatic on my posts and I think it’s because of the way I write. Anyway, this isn’t meant to be dramatic, I’m just pissed off.

I just want to feel secure for once. I know that’s asking a lot, since it’s impossible to control everything, but it’s not even really about controlling. If I write the word “I” loads of times in a post, I want that to not be seen as selfish/arrogant/self-centred/self-involved behaviour, but just my writing and how I want to write today and to not matter one tiny iota. If I call my boyfriend 10 times because he hasn’t texted me or called me back in like a day, I don’t want that to be seen as needy/clingy/obsessive behaviour, but just as me calling him because I miss him and want to talk and can’t understand why he hasn’t texted me back when it takes about 2 minutes just to say “hey babe, love you” or something along those lines. Besides, why can’t he just call or text back, why is that so hard?

I understand that the actions above are criticised and seen as wrong by some people but I wish it didn’t have to be that way. I wish it could just be okay for me to talk about me when I need to talk about me, and to feel comfortable with calling whoever to talk about it. If I want to call my boyfriend loads, then I should be able to without being judged. If I want to call my friends loads to find someone to talk to, I should be able to without feeling guilty for calling them, or pathetic for being needy, and I shouldn’t have to stop myself from calling people (like I OFTEN DO) because I feel those things. If any of my friends wanted to call me 20 times just to get through, I wouldn’t see that as needy, I would see that as them needing to talk to me. If any of my friends rang me up in the middle of the night because they were upset, I would be there for them because they clearly needed me – in fact I would be honoured to do that. Isn’t that the point of a friend? Someone who is always gonna be there for you no matter what? The really sad thing is that I want to be that kind of friend to people – to always be there for them – but no-one ever seems to let me in enough. Then I don’t feel like I can ever let anyone else in enough because they haven’t let me in, so that’s why I feel guilty and needy and whatever for trying to do so.

Also I hate all the stupid games that people and boyfriends and whatever play – can’t you just text or call me back without it being some massive fuss? Can’t you just do it? Why is it so hard? I don’t understand what is so difficult – it’s just a text or a call, and it’s not even about you, it’s to make the other person feel better. There’s a reason why they called you, DUH. Freakin call them back. I do it for all my friends and I try never to forget because forgetting to call or text someone back doesn’t matter to you necessarily, but it matters to them because they then feel needy/guilty/lonely/hurt/offended and loads of other nasty feelings that are so easily avoided.

It’s the games thing that gets me though. What is all this with waiting to call someone back because you don’t want to seem to “into them” or whatever? That is just CRAP. No-one gives a f**k. Why does it even have to be an issue? Just call them. Or text them. Or whatever. Just don’t make it into some giant problem thing – don’t be one of those people who notoriously doesn’t pick up their phone, because it just pisses everyone off and causes unnecessary arguments and anger and annoyance.

WHY IS IT EVEN AN ISSUE?!? I’m actually going out of my mind here – I don’t want to play stupid STUPID games but I’m forced to – I don’t want to have to not call or text my boyfriend on purpose so he misses me and then gets in contact with me – I just want him to CALL or TEXT!! I can do it! I do it all the time!! It’s really not very hard!! I do it because I WANT TO TALK TO HIM and I would have thought that he would WANT TO TALK TO ME. I really wish I didn’t care anymore but I do and I can’t help it. Please can I just have ONE FRIEND WHO I CAN CALL AT ANYTIME OF THE DAY OR NIGHT WITHOUT FEELING GUILTY OR NEEDY OR CRAP LIKE THAT??!?

If anyone suggests God I will rip their face off.

Well, at least I’ve made a start! I’ve begun translating the Latin text for my diss inbetween working 2 jobs and trying desperately to cling onto a social life. I’ve also been reading snippets in my lunchbreaks, but it’s really not enough. The thing is, I really want to get a 2:1, and I will work hard enough to do so, but it’s the summer – I want to have a break and chill out before tackling this next, toughest year of all head on!

Ah well. Back to the Latin. At least it’s naughty poetry!

I love the smell of petrol. No idea why, I just do.

I haven’t ever drunk it or anything though. Ugh!