misasja

Months go by, life is happening all around, doing things, talking to people, concentrating on myself, working, exercising, enjoying the sun when it comes out, enjoying my books… Same old, same new. I think of him very often, more than I’d like to. Recently it has been on a consistent basis, don’t know why. The pictures of the past keep running through my head over & over; I wonder where he is & what he’s doing. I wonder if we’ll ever talk or see each other again or we’ll be like phantoms, residing on the same Earth & yet unknown to each other. It’s been 9 months & nothing’s changed in me thinking about him or missing him. I continue to love him just like before. Sometimes I think of his face, his hands, his hair & how it all felt; all our laughs & arguments. Moments of anguish are intertwined with moments of bliss. My inner self is more stable now, but I do cry at times. Lately it’s been more frequent. Sadness creeps out. Regret that things went the way they did, although I realize that everything has its own wise purpose. I’m trying to concentrate on the present moment because this is all I have. There’s no more past. The past is just the story, a compilation of pictures, thoughts & emotions. The future is in the making. Right now I have Now. And what’s in the Now? Lots of good stuff. I’m trying to enjoy them all and smile.

Months go by, life is happening all around, doing things, talking to people, concentrating on myself, working, exercising, enjoying the sun when it comes out, enjoying my books… Same old, same new. I think of him very often, more than I’d like to. Recently it has been on a consistent basis, don’t know why. The pictures of the past keep running through my head over & over; I wonder where he is & what he’s doing. I wonder if we’ll ever talk or see each other again or we’ll be like phantoms, residing on the same Earth & yet unknown to each other. It’s been 9 months & nothing’s changed in me thinking about him or missing him. I continue to love him just like before. Sometimes I think of his face, his hands, his hair & how it all felt; all our laughs & arguments. Moments of anguish are intertwined with moments of bliss. My inner self is more stable now, but I do cry at times. Lately it’s been more frequent. Sadness creeps out. Regret that things went the way they did, although I realize that everything has its own wise purpose. I’m trying to concentrate on the present moment because this is all I have. There’s no more past. The past is just the story, a compilation of pictures, thoughts & emotions. The future is in the making. Right now I have Now. And what’s in the Now? Lots of good stuff. I’m trying to enjoy them all and smile.

Yesterday it’s been 8 months. No different from 7 or 6 or 5… It helps to have no contact though. Since the time he sent me a weird email a month ago or so, he disappeared again & I let it be. Of course I’m thinking of him every day, but I haven’t seen him in my dreams lately. Nothing’s different really, same old crap, same old emotions & thoughts. Just getting used to live with them on the daily basis. A guy friend in other state who I met before I moved where I’m now is on the phone with me almost every day for a long time & it helps me to take my mind off of unnecessary thoughts. Plus my work is busy & intense. Plus I joined the gym & now I exercise every single day. It’s good. It’s great. I mean, outside it is. Inside I’m still broken & shattered, I’m still hurting.
I miss him & love him the same way. Nothing’s changing in time. Just getting more numb & his image moves further & further away from me. Sometimes I see someone who looks similar to him from afar & my heart irks. Then it subsides & I continue what I was doing. I just am. Living my life.
I still love you. The same way.