misnomers

It’s funny how 1 month can change you in so many ways. The 24th was when it started, and the 24th was when it ended. It’s interesting how life works in these parallels…I just finished reading a book “Love Walked In” by Marisa De Los Santos where the below concept was expressed to me by him. To paraphrase:

Real life is not the process of achieving your heart’s desire. Real life doesn’t mean attaining your heart’s desire, but knowing it, meaning not the satisfaction, but the longing. Knowing what you love and why.

I will admit, I loved him…parts of him at least. In the deepest cavern of my heart, I questioned if it would work – and wished he could give me what I needed. Although I didn’t attain what my heart desired, I still wish him happiness and a life full of love – with or without me…and I’m reminded of the saying:

If you love something, let it go. If it returns to you, it is yours. If it doesn’t, it never was.

As I touched his face one last time before we parted, I wished it would never end. Time will only tell if it has ended. The timing was against me and I’m now left to sift through the remaining bits to piece together what I know. I may never know, but I have learned so much.

Sometimes, you know when things feel right, they just happen. They happen with ease, and you feel like it was meant to be, like you didn’t have to put any effort into it. Similar to how time just runs out when you’re enjoying the moment and want to hold on to it forever. You just know that you’ll get it, it’s yours for the keeping…that you’ve found it.

Then there are the moments when you feel like something wrong is about to happen…and there’s nothing you can do to stop it. A train wreck that can’t be unbroken, a feeling that makes you think ‘what went wrong’, ‘how could I have stopped this’ or ‘why me’. If you’ve felt this before, you realize when it happens. Your heart sticks, your smile fades faster, and

it
just
crashes

I’ve learned that nothing you do will save it. You’re better off walking away and letting the wreckage burn, hoping that you see the warning sign earlier incase you derail again…or just praying that the tracks don’t fail you next time…praying you have the courage to get back on, in the hopes of finding your perfect travel companion and a train that doesn’t crash.

Timing is everything.

The first time we met and worked together, it was unexpected yet welcomed…and although nothing was said, we both felt it. A spark. The second time we worked together, we wondered and let it pass us by. A disappointment. The third time, it was a random meeting that would never have happened otherwise, but it did. A chance.

And now I’m afraid to let this go. There are still complications to it, but my heart beats and I can’t control my love. I’m afraid to be hurt again, and I can’t wait any longer to hear the verdict…although I know what my heart is saying. It feels so right, I can’t wait to talk to him, see him, hug him, care for him. And I’m waiting on him to confirm what I hope is true.

I remember every little detail for fear I will never see him again. I’m so afraid to crash and burn that I analyze every little step incase it will tip the scale in the wrong direction. Because who knows if I’ll ever get another chance?

And here I wait for the moment when it works out.