After finishing “The Butterfly Plague” by Timothy Findlay tonight, I have been struck by thoughts and feelings that I just had to get down onto “paper”.
Perfection – my entire life I have pushed myself to excel, never stopping short of perfection. Never accepting “good enough”...and I’m not saying settling…I’m talking about being happy with outcomes as they were in their imperfect state. I have always been the type of person to plan everything out and expect it to happen as I had outlined in my dream (aka fantasy). Never has it gone so well. I have come to accept imperfection in my education and work life…working hard, yet accepting the outcome, whatever it was. But I never considered this in a relationship. I always assumed it would be like a fairy tale. I meet a man, know he was “the one”, fall madly in love and live happily ever after…with a few extra details omitted for sake of space. But that is far from the truth.
Something I have missed entirely in the boyfriends I have dated…feeling. What feeling does this man elicit in me? I have always looked at the paper list of qualities he posessed (even once going so far as to make a pros/cons list), never once tapping into my gut feeling, even when it was screaming for me to leave the man who had just screamed AT me. Yes, he looked perfect, but he was far from it. He was not perfect FOR ME. But how do we find the “perfect for me”? I have come to believe that it is in feeling it. Knowing it and not running away from your gut…paying attention to your true feeling and following it, no matter what it says on paper, how old we are or where we’re headed in life. Afterall, life is not meant to be perfection…why should we strive to reach for it in relationships?
Why should I be waiting for everything to play out as I had dreamed it up when the world is waiting for me? It seems I have forgotten that life includes living. Taking the good with the bad, accepting the crap heaps on the side of the road just as much as I accept the pina coladas in life. Not waiting for my perfect home before having friends over to my small apartment…not waiting to decorate my apartment before I actually have someone to decorate for…not waiting for my “perfect man” to come along before letting the “perfect man for me” into my life. Life is full of interesting twists and turns…we never know where it will lead us, but we sure as hell can enjoy the ride while we wait for it to unfold.