miss_bennet

Wow, I actually met someone and have gone on a few dates! I look at my other post, the one that laments about one door closing and another opening, complete with an expletive because it hadn’t happened to me yet. I re-read it with a bit of a smile, because obviously it has happened. Not to claim that I’ve met the love of my life here, I just felt like commenting how much more of a gentleman this fella is compared to the one who inspired me to start posting here. A HUGE difference! Even if this new fella doesn’t work out, at least my perspective has been refreshed so I can be reminded that there ARE other, and better, fish in the sea.

He hasn’t made contact with me in about 2 weeks. The further I get away from him time wise, it gets better. To paraphrase Louisa May Alcott, it’s getting easier to forget and harder to remember. I’m excited about moving on, rather than hanging on.

He “disappeared” almost a month ago, yet I started receiving his lovey-dovey, (not to mention explicit) texts about 2 weeks ago. At first, I was hopeful. “Ah, he misses me” I thought to myself, “he’s coming back”. But now, well, I’m not so sure. Now I’m thinking that he is living with someone else, most likely with her. Dammit, he ran back to her, didn’t he? They got back together, didn’t they??! With each lovelorn text from him that is followed by absolutely NO action on his part, I’m convinced of this more and more. Why? Because he’s only texting me during “safe” work hours. He did it before they broke-up, and now it seems as if he’s doing it again. Do I have proof? No. But these are the actions of someone with something to hide. And I’m suspecting that he is hiding that he likely reconciled with her. If he really “loves” me like he keeps texting, why isn’t he on my doorstep with bouquet in hand?
So why bother resuming contact with me again? If indeed my suspicions are correct, why didn’t he just stay disappeared?? Apparently, this guy suffers from “break-up remorse”, and is back to feeling “confused” again. Just like he did when he broke up with her. He never admitted it out loud, but I could read it all over him, I could tell that he missed her. So now, if he has got back with her, he’s turned right around and is doing it with me this time.
Not only is this pathetic, but its humiliating and insulting. I wanna scream “Make up your fucking mind, won’t you!!!” and call him on the carpet, but what good will it do? Not much, I reckon. Besides, it is undignified to tell him to choose between me or her. He should just want to be with me. There should be no confusion about it.

A week and a half. The crying jags subsided after day 3. I’m noticing that I’m able to take a step back and see things from a more cerebral point of view. Not to claim that I don’t miss him or feel lonely, because I do, but I am slowly able to see that this “thing” between he and I, as it has been, was quite unhealthy.It was very one-sided. He did all the taking, and I did all the giving. I’m happy not to be a part of that anymore, but I’m disappointed that it turned out this way. The disappointment washes over me whenever I see happy couples together, or know of other people who also have had recent breaks and seemed to easily move onto someone who treats them like a million bucks. here they are reveling in their newfound love story, while I am still lonely and alone. I feel like the universe “owes” me a consolation prize in the form of another guy who will treat me better. A knight in shining armor who will rescue me from this ridiculous quagmire I am in. I mean, when one door closes, another one opens, right? So what the fuck??
And yes, I have heard from him. He texted me twice last week:”I love you” and “tell me you love me”. And of course, my heart skipped a beat. But the euphoria was fleeting, as I knew none of it was true on his part. I know it isn’t true, because if he did love me, he’d be with me. He’d be banging down my door to reach me. I’d see more of an effort on his part to make things right, not a couple of texts followed by no contact since. It was just a mirage. Why did he choose to mess with me like that? Does he get a sense of satisfaction that he is holding the emotional whip handle over me? He knows I’m already hurt. It must have made him feel good to kick me while I was already down.

I really want to finish knitting and WEAR this sweater. But I get so SICK of knitting it sometimes! I will do this, I will press on!!

when he said “Fuck you, because I loved you”

I need $1500.00 to by an English Bulldog!

Today, I cried at work. I went into the bathroom and cried. After that, I went into my car and cried. I cried because I miss him, I miss talking to him, I miss his texts. I cried because he’s not here anymore. I cried because I know this is it. done. final. kaput. I can’t fool myself that he is busy, working, etc…and that in a few days I’ll hear from him. I can’t kid myself that “in a few more weeks, things will get better, cause he’ll be better”. Now, I’m realizing that I may never hear from him again. I really have no idea if I’ll ever hear from him again, and I feel so lonely. All alone. I want to text him that I am sorry for blasting him with a barrage of angry texts yesterday. I started wondering if I was too rash, and perhaps I should have given him a bit more time, and he would have come around? No, he’s had plenty of time to come around. I hung around passively waiting for him to come around for too long. It wasn’t working and I was just being used. And that is why I made the decision not to talk to him for 60 days. 59 more days to go.

Today I texted him a diatribe, letting it all out, something I should have done a long time ago. So, I guess today doesn’t count as my Day 1. Tomorrow will be my Day 1 and August 9th my 60 days. Wish me luck!

Why did I hang around for so long? That is the question I need to focus on, not so much “where is he?” “what is he doing” “who is he with?”. But why did I hang around for so long, hoping he’d come around? Is it really a question of self-esteem? If so, why did/do I think of my self so lowly, if that is indeed the truth? Why?