hey guys i really want to purge
i dont know what to do anymore i hate my size but thers no point in doing what iv been doing, iv put on 10lbs for being bulimic, i wish i could control my binges.
Does anyone have any tips?
missbanana's Life List
hey guys i really want to purge
this is my first day on this, iv already posted a comment but i wanted to share with everyone how bulimia is affecting me.
Im at uni, currently working towards a degree in physio. My problems came to head last semester when i went through a disasterous placement. Being there made me feel crap, no one was particularly skinny but everyone was condescending. They all thought they were better than me and as a consquence I started thinking i wasnt worth anything. I still think that. So I started restricting my diet. I skipped breakfast and had lettuce for lunch. But by the time i got home i was so hungy that I ate until i felt sick. In one night i think i ate a whole box of cereal bars, a huge bag of crisps, a muffin, several chocolate bars and loads of toast and butter. Afterwards i purged it all, and i was on laxatives so it came out the next morning as well. Was going to the gym every night trying to burn off the little i ate at lunch.
I cant keep doing this. I have no energy, i dont see my friends, i hide stuff from my mum and dad and also iv put on weight because purging doesnt always rid your body of calories.
I want people to know the side effects of purging so that you can make up your own mind about it from someone who is experiencing it.
Purging damages all of your body not just your stomach and throat. It can make you infertile because it stops your menstral cycle. At the moment Im going to my doctor because i havent had a peroid in 5 months. I want so badly to have children someday and im petrified if iv ruined my chances for life. It weakens ur heart so that at the age of 25 you could drop dead from cardic arrest, it can cause rupture of your stomach and you could be bleeding from the inside without you even knowing it. Bulimia also messes with your head, it causes more psychological problems such as OCD, anxiety and clinical depression.
Also, purging doesnt always bring me relief. I still have the same problems i had before i purged, the only thing that changed is that i no longer have food in my system. And even then i get completely depressed. Why did i eat so much in the first place? My head was spinning from the fluid loss and one night my flat mate found me unconcious in the bathroom. I made the excuse that i just fainted because i hadnt drank enough water that day and i was suffering from a stomach bug. She doesnt really like me all that much so believed me.
I think that im fat. I want to loose weight and ideally id love to have a 23 inch waist.
This is basically crazy but i cant stop feelin this way. So one day i just started asking myself why? why do i think this? especially when i know from research that its incredibly dangerous.
What i came up with was that i have never felt worthy. My parents are perfectionists and expect me to be so. I get average grades at uni now and this doesnt impress them to say the least. and so i start panicking that im disappointing them, that im failing, that ill never get a job or be productive in society. Iv lost all control. The way i deal with food is a coping method, it helps me feel like im in control of something. Like for once i can win at something.
Too many people think that eating disorders are just about image. Its sooo much more than that, its about personal conflict and how we deal with it. Its about confidence and self esteem (or lack there of) and i get angry when people just say “stop doing it” “its gross” “you dont need to be skinny”
Anyone who has bulimia or any eating disorder knows that its nearly impossible to stop the craving and the purging behaviours. I still do it. But im trying so hard to feel good about myself again. I dont want to live a life where im afraid to go out with my friends because i feel that i dont look good in any of my clothes.
Also, im gettin pretty sick of having a killer throat!
I am in no way telling anyone what to do. This whole speel is just for me to vent and possibly help me help myself. Only one of my friends knows about my purging.
I still really want to be skinny.
But at the same time I also want to feel that my parents are proud of me, that I am doing well at uni and that eventually I’ll be able to have some faith in myself.
ok, so iv poured my heart out this evening.
I would love some feedback from people. Good or bad. Whether you think im stupid, whether youre angry at me, whether you think i have no idea what im talking about, or even if you think iv been honest and am looking for a little support in my life.
why is it, really and honestly, that you want to be skinny so badly?
all my love,