emily

I have over $70k of student loan debt. I will be 28 in 2 short years. It’s not going to happen & that’s ok with me.

A little over 5 years ago I started being treated for depression—I was seeing a counselor at my college’s center & she referred me to a psychiatrist after we’d been meeting for a few months. He immediately agreed that I was depressed & I started on a popular SSRI. It worked for a while, but eventually another MRI was added, to offset some side effects of the SSRI. The MRI was super helpful, so we phased out the SSRI. Eventually, it was less effective on its own, so another MRI was added & I improved again.

Looking back on summer 2007 I am pretty sure I had a manic/mixed few months. Then I had a serious crash in the fall – helped along by a majorly messy breakup & losing my job for a total BS reason. The rest of 2007 was a blur. I was having constant panic attacks & was prescribed a good bit of Ativan to take “as needed” – not a good sign, me thinks. But eventually I was feeling better.

I started 2008 feeling hopeful, I wasn’t suuuuper depressed, but I wasn’t feeling awesome. Made some weird judgment calls during that time. Smoked a ton of pot, which helped a bit. Ended up moving back in with my parents for summer 2008 & that was a total shitshow. My mom had just started medication for ADD & I was definitely manic/mixed….it was a total disaster. I saw a random psychiatrist to get my Rx renewed, but she was crappy & judgmental, insinuating that I wasn’t being honest with her.

Once I got a job, things improved, but then I got depressed again, inevitably. My meds weren’t doing enough & I couldn’t see my shrink for months…...I finally got to see him in early 2009. Changed my med dosage. Started to improve, moved out of my parents house into my own place…then got fired from my job. Awesome. My therapist suggested I might have ADD, then suggested bipolar. I was hypomanic/manic/mixed for most of this summer, but didn’t realize it until it was pretty bad.

Finallyyyyy in August, I started on a mood stabilizer and for the past month have been really stable & much less symptomatic…although I’ve still got some paranoia. I’m seeing some warning signs for depression starting, so I’m trying to get ahead of that.

I’ve had to cut out drinking, due to the meds. It’s really fine with me, except people are weird about it. I’ve cut back on the pot, mostly because I’m broke, but I still smoke occasionally & will probably continue to do so. I think it’s also worth noting (for myself) that so far, my BP has been a major factor in the demise of two of my past three relationships, with a total of 6 years effort put into them combined. (the third one, we really just didn’t connect. nothing to do with BP)

So that’s fun. I’ve been on mood stabilizers for over a month now & it’s been great so far. My mood has already improved a lot & I’m much more stable. I’ve been tracking my moods on a website & it’s really helped me pay attention to how I’m feeling & to notice patterns more clearly.