missjamestown

i got tired of looking at other peoples hands when i went out to see if ANYONE might do the same thing to their fingers that i do to mine. so i did some research the other day and after 21 years i can finally put a name on it and know im not the only one.
i have been picking at my fingers, lips, and feet since i can remember. it’s most serious on my thumbs though.
when people would see my fingers and ask what happened i would come up with the most rediculous excuses just so that i wouldnt have to tell anyone that i did it to myself. i keep my thumbs tucked away in a fist when im around people. i quit playing guitar (one of my passions) because of my fingers. i dont want to put my fingers out there in plain sight.
the shame and embarassment that comes along with this is almost unbearable. it has consumed me. i will sit for hours when im alone in almost a trance with nail clippers or something to aid me in “fixing” my fingers. we will have company at our house and i will get up and go to the bathroom just so that i can pick at my fingers. with the stress only growing in my life, the picking is unfortunatley growing as well… i am now down to the knuckle of my left thumb. so only half of my thumb is left.
i have tried anyhting and everything minus the therapy to stop.
but its looking like therapy will be the only way.

I’m not really good at anything. I’m always mediocre. There is always someone better at it, what ever IT may be. Whether it’s my photography, my music, my driving, my cooking.
I can’t even walk down the sidewalk without tripping over something.
I stand out in the worste of ways.