It was so discouraging to talk to you this morning-Im not sure what I was expecting but it wasnt that. I debated whether or not to call you and again I gave in.
I do think that we are both better off without each other but that doesnt change the feelings of love that I have for you. It doesnt change me missing you on so many levels. And it doesnt change me wishing things were different. It doesnt change me fantasizing about various things I wish you would do to “fix” things between us (Do you want to know? Do you want to know what I think about when we are apart? I think about you filling my apartment with roses and a card, I think of you showing up at night and just hugging me and telling me you cant live without me, every day I come out to my car at school and expect something, anything to show me how much you care…so pathetic – why????)
Yes I said some mean shit to you and I apologized within 24 hours – and I am sorry – but really, did I say anything that you havent said to me before? multiple times? in worse ways?? I dont think so…
When you have told me to fuck off…and then you have been too ashamed to face it and apologize – who has called the other? Lets look at it again – you tell me to fuck off, I call you again and again until your not angry I come crawling back to you and then you apologize and we move on…
When I tell you to fuck off – then apologize – then call you – just bc I miss you and want to know how youre doing – you tell me that you are staying the fuck out of my life just like I told you.
Why are we so different? Do you still think you love me? because you dont show love – you show anger and hate and frustration and impatience and you SAY you were going to do this or that but saying and doing are 2 different things
so instead of you being happy to hear from me you answer the phone saying “What?” as in “What do you want?” isnt that just so mean?
And youve had a couple hours to think about it, to change it, to fix it but my phone remains silent…and today, i wont expect to see anything at my car, and I wont expect to see flowers in my apt and I wont expect you to come over and save me…and i will continue to question your love but I will not question mine.
My actions have always been consistent with LOVE – not always my words – definately not always my words – but my actions speak for themselves and you will never be able to question my love – maybe you assumed I really did hate you and if you really thought that I hated you
1. you dont know me
2. you would know this morning that wasnt true…
so there are no excuses, you can never be too busy to deal with the love of your life, nothing can ever get in the way of that – at least thats how Ive lived the last year and a half when we were together.
And now I finally understand why Ive changed – why I am not the same “girlfriend” that I was when we got together…Im not happy anymore…I love you, yes and I think Im still in love with you…but I am so unhappy
I'm doing 12 things
