molokavellocet

I need help. I can see there are many things wrong. I feel too alone and yet I isolate myself. I keep too much to myself and it’s killing me. I’m waiting for things to be normal again, but right now, I feel like a mess. Why is life so black and empty? I feel so alone. I feel like disappearing all the time.

Okay, so I officially hate driving. I went out to drive by myself today and dropped my aunt off home and it was my first time alone since I got my license and lo and behold, I sort of umm, ran a red light in the super last minute and well, got pulled over! Fortunately, the cop was nice!!! Phew!!! It was awful.
Then, I have officially deactivated my facebook account after attempting to go on it and revive it but when you relapse into an old addiction, you realize how bad it was to begin with. Reasons why I hate facebook:
- I will discover things I don’t want to see, specifically pictures of my boyfriend with other girls while we were broken up for a while.
- It makes me feel like I need to take tons of pictures so I can post them in there.
- It makes me feel like, hey should I have more friends, although we all know the term friends in facebook is used extremely lightly. Those are people you’ve talked to once in your life, or twice, or thrice and the remaining tiny percent qualify as friends.
- It does make me feel a little insecure and it is pretty exhibitionistic. I’m not an online exhibitionist :p I do that in the real world :p
Okay, now as for my boyfriend, it feels really weird to call him that. He’s like an old addiction I’ve relapsed on to and like the question someone asks when you hook up with someone from the past, “What makes you think it’ll be better this time?” puzzles me. Well… great, now I am feeling stupid. I shouldn’t have gotten caught up with him, fuck. I mean, going on facebook makes me question his sincerity and that’s never something we should question in a relationship, but I think that’s mostly from seeing sketchy pics of him. As aforesaid in “Get over my ex” my overdose caused a great deal of pain and complication between me, my parents, and him. Seeing pictures of him at parties, some of them, I’m pretty sure he’s high as fuck makes me wonder if he’s really different this time. I sure hope so. I’ll believe it when I see it. I see him at the end of the month.
Is this long distance relationship worth it? So he had a girlfriend for about a month and seeing their comments to each other of I love you makes me wonder if he says that so lightly too. Does he fucking mean it?! Or does it just sound nice?! I’m confused all over again. I am so inconsistent. I think I should have some space and try to stay away from him for a bit to see how it feels. On top of that, the pressure and stress of eventually having to let my parents know that I am back with him is overbearing. My mother told me that if she needed to choose one person to kill on this planet, it would be him. This is awful!!! This would kill her to know I am dating and back with the same guy she and my dad blamed for being irresponsible with taking care of their daughter. He failed at watching out for me but I mean we were all irresponsible. At the same time, I wonder if he’ll truly “take care” of me this time. Am I stupid for going back with him?! I really need to talk to a counsellor. I think that’s what I need. I can’t seem to think for myself. People tell me things left and right and I feel that they all make fairly valid arguments but in the end, I just get so messed up, it sucks!

Do I want to be in this relationship?
Am I just in love with love?
Is this relationship worth all the trouble?
The trouble=hurting my parents…making them worry…
Is anything worth hurting your parents for or making them worry?
Is there a solution to this difficult situation?
Why does he want to be with me?
His answers: You’re really good for me.
I’m a better person when I’m with you.
I just felt stupid without you.
I miss you. I need you.
When I think of the future and getting old, I always picture you in it.
Why do I want to be with him?
Umm… He makes me feel happy. I care about him. I’ve still never met someone I could click with the way I do with him. He’s comfortable to be with.
Conclusion: My answers are less definite than his. As if I’m still acknowledging the possibility there could definitely be other people. I said because he was comfortable!! Is this love or comfort?! Should his answers be more like “Because you’re a sweet person and I love you and you’re amazing and you’re funny and you’re….” Does he love me because of me and the person that I am or does he love the way I make him feel? Trust me, I know how to make people feel good about themselves… Do I just do a good job of stroking his ego? His love is for how I make him feel and that is why he needs me. He doesn’t necessarily love my personality, my quirks, my ideas- me. If I told him that, I can just imagine how insulted he would feel. I need to tell him I wonder if he loves me for me or superficially just for how I make him feel. One time on a show, I heard that when you fall in love, you fall in love with the feeling you get when you’re around that person. It is a feeling you fall in love with. Okay, fair enough. I can say though that yes I love him because he makes me feel loved and special with all his affection and sweetness, but I also do say: I love him for how unique he is, his simplicity, his sort of childlike ways, his “innocence”, his inititative and decisiveness, his creativity, his alternative sense of humour… See? Can he say anything like that about me…
I think he can, I just don’t see it. I think he thinks we’re destined or something… I’m not sure he brings out the best in me though. I sort of suck at balancing things in life and a boy I’m in love with is just the thing to throw me out of line with reality and routine and order.

I need help. I think I’ll call a distress line.

I passed my road test today! If I can do it, you can too. Just relax and practice. My driving instructor doesn’t turn out to be so bad, he’s just tough, but he let me drive on the highway on our way back from the exam. I think I’m going to really get the hang of driving. This was huge on my list, and I’m glad I did it!