I have had it since i was a lil kipper and a few yeas ago it improved dramatically so, as one does, i became extremely lazy and stopped taking care of myself. stopped drinking the 2 litres of water needed, raw fruits n veggies (non-eczema flaring ones of course :) and most of all ceased all supplements (flaxseed, evening primrose). well, this past year it all came back with a vengeance…what did i expect after months of soft drinks, chocolates, desk job with no other exercise?!
anyhooo is not completely gone by any means but is defo under control… i got back on the flaxseed capsules (cant stress how important these are), water and i became reacquainted..a bit more fruit n veg plus getting more active and destressing. Yoga’s a really good one btw.. i never used to believe the hype but i do feel more relaxed after a sesh. and to remind me am not to slip in to old habits again i get flare-ups much more easily now so will sort myself out as soon as.
yes it would be nice to say sod it and not have to worry so much but as everyone knows there’s no quick fix so best thing is to keep your eczema sweet and take that extra care
till next time :)
ok so im interviewing at the mo… my confidence has been knocked a fair bit due to certain issues that developed in my last post (over-zelaous, fiery, power crazed female manager whose motto: “my way or the high way sweetheart”)..... im getting better but i have to say i had an inteview yesterday n it had to be one of the worst/ obscure ones…..
it was this small financial group that was just gettin started so they wanted a junior to come on board to perform ad hoc tasks n help out n then hopefully be trained on more stuff with time… bein an area i am v interested in i was excited about it…
sittin in reception the guy comes in (with his lunch in hand) and gives me this lil motion with his hand to follow him, bit casual but ok i thought.. we go in… he starts havin his lunch in front of me…. first question before iv even sat down he says “so wat irritates u”... taken aback by this i try think of a diplomatic answer… then more questions as such follows…. wat do u like in a job…wat dont u like? then my religion comes up.. he asks “so do u pray, fast etc…are u religous” ... and basically the interview went on like that….
nothin was asked as to what aspirations i have… why i want to come on board… wat qualities are right for the job etc.. very obscure…. i walked away totally deflated…i think its v unfair for a guy like that to abuse his position… fair enuf if he was tryin to suss out my personality but he seemed to be questionin it too… ah well…u live n learn eh?!!
so i thought i was swimming along brilliantly…only to sink once again…. found out his dad is terminally ill….it got to me…
i honestly did feel really bad for him… so silly me decides to check up on him evry now n then bla bla… i was ok even then but of course foolish me thought i could handle bein in touch so often.. could i heck…
a few weeks on and i was startin to revert to old habits… then i happened to speak to a mutual freind who told me some info i got upset about- specifically this info implied that my ex lied to me bout somethin that happened a while ago… irrational me does not take the calm route but decides to let him know exactly wat i thought….only for the whole thing to blow up into a huge thing… prob the biggest argument we’ve ever had..
after we kept hangin up on eachother and shoutin…i decided it was best to just leave well alone altogether- so i didnt respond to his voicemail… i gues it means we cant even stay in touch..AT ALL… even tho i feel bad about his dad etc it just cant be my problem anymore… wats more he doesnt even care if im there for him or not so wats the point….
its been a lil while now…..and im just tryin my hardest not to weaken for at least the next few months…hopefully by then i wont wana know wat hes up to anyway…but then again can never be too sure…this thing has dragged on for years…far longer than it possibly shud hav…. anyway progress shall be reported..i hope those who are also tryin to reach this goal find the courage to do so…
keep smilin
xx
and things have been changing quite a bit… i dont know how it began or when exactly but iv been gradually thinkin less n less about him and now its got to a point where he hardly crosses my mind in comparison to before…
as soon as i came back home from uni i found a job and life has been quite busy…so i dont know if that helped in terms of moving on and realising that life shud not pass me by any longer.. especially recently where i had been tryin to focus on gettin a job i realy wanted… actualy gettin it felt so good that it began to sink in that havin these lil goals and achievin them does raise ur self esteem…
and then there were a few guys at work who i got to know just as friends but it was a good distraction.. makes u realise that theres a whole world out there…
i wont lie… we are still in touch on and off but its usualy just to check in, prob outa habit after 7 odd years of doin so! and we did hav a lil rendevous coz he was meant to be goin away indefinately (but got cancelled in the end) and it wasnt all that great..i think for once i actualy felt the spark had gone…i still hav emotional attachment n care bout him but realy that passion and wishin to be with him again is diminishing as time goes on…
i cud even say i can probably imagin myself gettin to a stage wonderin why i had got caught up so much in the 1st place..but wont do that now as it wudnt be true just yet…but who knows?!
i thought i better add a new thing to my list seeing as tho alot of the sadness stems from my feelings towards my ex…its actualy deeper than that. Today’s my b’day and i cudn feel worse…and yes it prob is jus the birthday blues but i cud wake up tom and feel the same…
not gona say too much today as am findin it hard to express myself other than bein able to say all i feel is anguish…pure anguish…so much sadness and nothin bad in particular has even happened…
each day brings new hope…only to be dashed
hmm..soz i realise this was in complete and so may have seemed slightly random (for those that have actualy bothered to read :) ... aaaaaaanyways the more and more time is passing and this thing drags on the more i realise that this cant have much to do with love anymore…its turned into something related to my own need; my own need for self assurance…its pathetic rite?! its like some sort of obsession or somethin.. goin over the past again and again in my head….coz the way we’ve drifted apart (not that there was much to drift from) and the harsh but true fact that he was never into it in the first place shuda been enuf for me to let it go…
all that said and done i have to say i have a come a long way tho… i’ve started a new job, focusin on other small goals and realy am seeing that there is life beyond making someone the centre of ur universe- which shud never happen anyway really (unless its ur kids or somethin).........
“Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option”
and on that note ladies, and gents, am out til next time
xx
rite now things are so over the place but i have to say im optimistic coz no matter what is goin on now.. iv set goals and they need to be achieved regardless…and most of em are based on investin time into stuff that matters…ie. def not him. if anything..eventually ill hav to be away for a while anyway..not runnin away but seein wat else is out there… i really am startin to see that there is such a big world out there and its up to u how much u see of it…and another thing…i dont wana still be writin entries like this in a few months..i know u cant put a time limit on gettin over someone but u can certainly stop lettin it drag on longer than it has to..
i say to everyone we need to definately be active, embrace life more and try love ourselves a lil more to get thru times like these…. xx
cant even bring myself to comment rite now exam stress is causin irrational behaviour and leading to wrong decisions
:’(
well i know my earlier entries were similar to this one where i said that things were on the up but my mistake was that i stayed in touch. well its been almost 4 weeks since iv spoken to him (i know doesnt seem like that much but for me tis alot :).. and i feel so much better.. since my focus has been diverted away from the situation…i been puttin more effort into old friendships that realy mean somethin…and its wicked!
after persuasion, iv been goin to the gym to and it realy does help! talkin to ppl, laughin, reading, focusin on my degree are realy aiding the tragic situation… and i gotta say i can start to see how, altho am still not completely over things, these things can be like blessings in disguise…
iv wasted so much time on somethin that realy wasnt worth it from a long time ago… he sent me a text and sent me some forward emails but am not gona respond…not til i feel like i dont wana punch him anymo! anyway…..all i say is it is possible to get thru even wen u feel like nothin’s gona shift the black clouds…..enough of the depressin stuff…....so much to do n see hehe… good luck everyone…
;)
..serious… i think the only way im still standin rite now is coz iv forced myself to go cold turkey n not contact him…. of course am still thinkin bout him wen am not distracted but no new wounds are being opened or old ones havin lemon squirted in em (!) coz i just haven heard from him or anyone who knows him… no news def good news… and i dont know how other people’s faith is or even if they have one but it realy has been helpin me..jus prayin so that im managin not to fall apart or get stuck in a rut n hav some patience…
xx
well I have been really up and down past few weeks more down than anything else. And yes I actually started missing him so much and couldn’t stop thinking as to the “why’s and what-for’s”. The tip of the iceberg came just over the weekend when I spoke to him and he was just telling me about his weekend and he happened to casually mention that his ex (or who i thought was) was at his house and some crazy stuff was happening. To be honest that’s all I heard and was devestated..I was actually shocked at how hurt i was. literally couldn’t stop blubbering for hours..
I had to go to my friend’s coz i was going crazy otherwise…and then the strangest thing…he called back to continue his story…could not believ wat he was saying…talking bout some demons or something and how his house was taken over by the devil….i can honestly say i’ve never seen this side to him…i was shocked…usually he acts so cool and laidback…thats probably what i liked bout him…the fact that i was the hyper, neurotic one and he was the opposite….
well just yesterday we met up for a drink as we weren’t gonna see each other for a while coz im moving… i have to say it made me step back a little.. oh and he’s back with her surprise surprise…so all that spiel he gave me about not having time for a girl and commitment was, as suspected, bull. well all i can say is that they’re welcome to eachother….i think seeing him has confirmed we’re not meant to be coz i certainly would not be entertaining his moods and I really need to just stop wasting time…that’s the saddest thing…when your sitting there crying for someone who isn’t even thinking about you…but it’s hard to accept sometimes but I guess the only way is up…
anyway after a looooong entry am gonna say bye for now
xx
Ok so I was doing ok….then suddenly that familiar overwhelming feeling just creeped in from nowhere…just this weekend I actually locked myself in my room. And I tried to pull myself out of it but unfortunately I just sank… you see we spoke before he went away and was being all nice and everything so I melt, ..remembers the good ol’ days…loadsa other stuff…
But then I realised I was heading to my old ways and had to tell myself to snap out of it. It’s tough if ur still in touch it really is…but you gotta be strong otherwise it’s very easy to slip into the spiral of depression. Of course I’m hurting, so bad in fact but time is a great healer and I’ve got through other obstacles so I have faith I’ll get through this….besides theres no point lettin it interfere with my life any longer.
ok well I have been trying to be strong coz i realised I’m the only one who can bring myself out of this pointless circle…i realised I was clinging onto what is so not there and that the only thing to do is to be strong. I really am sick of being weak..he doesn’t care and there’s no point feeding his over-sized ego anymore by letting him see how much he affected me. Today when my friend and I were in a cafe she asked me about him, and I can honestly say for the first time I felt strong and genuinely meant it when I said that it’s his loss and i’m not wasting any time. I do beleive that one day he will realise (happens every single time with me and others) but I’m not waiting for that day any longer. I’m not saying I’ll never think bout him again or miss him at times but the difference is I’ll know from now on that it’s in the past and that noone is worth so many tears (unless you hurt em in the first place ;)...anyway phew! i realise this entry may seem negative but in fact am feeling lighter, relieved day by day….with God’s help I’ll get through….. if anyone read this whole way through….thank you xx
its so strange but with my freinds or other ppl who mess me around or dont put in the effort in, i find it so easy to take the right steps and deal wih the situation in the right way but man wen it comes to my ex, my sensibilty just flies out the window. i cant seem to get over him. we were together five years ago but i wasnt too into him so i ended it. we stayed in touch and remained friends, so fast forward few years later and tables turned. i fell for him big time. we started seeing eachother only for him to tell me it wasnt serious. im not usualy soppy but this is the closest thing to heartbreak iv felt. out of sight out of mind seems to be the best thing but every time i feel things are movin on, somehow our paths will cross, esp as we have mutual friends. i just wana move on properly coz i know hes no good for me, but its tough.
