by johnswale, have decided that i can still start this goal afterall even if i didnt start at beginning of year. i’ll plan to start next week, as i want to open a new bank account for this. 52 weeks from next week.
i feel a bit excited bout this again.
something i have always been terrible with. i beleive im not very good at it. esp with people who seem important. and i have a bit of a inferiority complex at the best of times.
anyway, as a waitress i interact with people everyday, so i have every opportunity to work on this more. half the time the customers are very chatty anyway, so it is easy. but i want to be the one who initiates the conversations more. talk to the customers more on a personal level if i can tell they are that kind of customer. esp regulars, make them friends, stop being robotic in my work. i am sometimes good with the chatty thing, other times im just robotic and go through the list of things i need to ask. so thats something i wanna work on at work. it has to feel real and natural, like chatting with a friend, and i have to feel relaxed and comfortable not thinking of what to say next. and i am equal to them, never mind i am taking their order.
the other thing i cna do is work on this outside of work. so when im in the gym get to know some gym goers or make silly convo, but only to a degree. cos i dont wanna go to gym to make friends and waste time, im there to work out. well i wouldnt mind making a friend or 2 there, but as long as we understand that working out takes precedence. there is one guy there i wouldnt mind getting to know. there has been a connection to him, and we have spoken a few times regarding if each other has finished with certain equipment or machines etc. and well he is cute lol. i wont say no more bout that.
and anyway, can do this anywhere really, so talking to people when out shopping or socially etc etc.
jsut basically be more forthright and chatty. if i do it often enough, it will feel more natural and i will grow in confidence and i might even make new friends in the process, so lets give it ago.
i added the guy frm work on my fb yesterday, and interestingly enough, although i still find myself liking him and attracted to him, i find i cant bare to look at his photos much. i jsut had a brief squiz at some of his pics, over all. i dont know why that is, i feel like its stalking mabye. or i dont know, its seeing him in a way that i dont know him. from what i saw, he seems to enjoy life, and likes going out, lots of friends and family pics, i didnt look properly but doesnt really seem to be any pics with a main gf through out. and from his profile page, he seems very single and carefree to me. but i jsut look briefly cos i felt uncomfortable looking at it. i also discovered that he has travelled quite extensively and lived all over the world and that he is divorced according to his status. no idea aobut kids. he also posts some inspirational and motivational stuff, quotes etc… which is cool.
anyway, i didnt feel comfortable looking any more, so i dont. but he is interesting guy, and a free spirit with adventure, which i like alot, i learnt more from that, than our little chit chats at work. the other thing is that most of his stuff is in portuguese and i cant understand half of it lol.
anyway its nice to have him there. still attracted to him, but i havent seen him in 2 days as he was off yesterday and today and i was off today. so nothing new to report. much as i like him, i can deal with if he has a gf or not. if he doesnt and wants to get to know me great, if not so be it. i like him, but having seen his profile i dont know if i would be what he goes for anyway, he is a very european latino man, he is tall, dark and handsome and solid but also with a slight flirtatious and adventurous flair, and he comes across as nobody can tie him down… hes doing his thing. i think. i really dont know.
anyway… whatever happens, happens, maybe something, maybe nothing. i actually dont know whats up with me regarding him. i feel good whatever happens. at work i enjoy his friendship and delight in his handsomeness and that is enough for me. maybe its jsut the fact that i havent seen him in 2 days so im not in a giddy lovey dovey state. anyway… im in no rush, i take things as they come, if they come.
lately i wonder if i will ever be capable of being in relationship again. i think i love the idea of love, but i am also overly cautious and fearfull too. but not only that… i think i get bored to easily and have commitment issues myself! i dont know i really dont know.
a great session today. was really cool cos i wore a small top that used to be really small and super tight, and today, it jsut fitted right and even slightly loose! loving seeing how my body is changing and getting toned. i make sure i do pullups/lat pulldowns as well as weighted squats every time i go to gym even tho its not part of my routine. and i think the squats are doing my booty good. everything is doing good. slow and steady wins the race.
i have a week and a day left of my james wilson trainer, and then i can say i officially finished the 12 week challenge. im feeling pretty good about it. this is the first time i finished a 12 week trainer. i have tried a different one before but gave up half way. i will probably re do that one one day in the future.
contemplating doing his week 13 – 24 week challenge next… but im contemplating interspersing the first 8 weeks of it with alternate weeks with some less resistance training and more intense cardio for the week. so its mixing it up, but its jsut a thought. i hate cardio and usually keep it to a bare minimum. but i wanna do everything i can to slim down my thigh area. its a thought. i love resistance/strength training. i love lifting, i love getting strong. i love being able to lift heavier than when i started. i jsut love the feeling of it, i love being one of the few girls in the weights room, and i love going all out. im not there to gossip and chat, im not there to look pretty, i sweat and i give it my all. and i enjoy every second. i feel so friggin good during it and when i leave the gym, nothing can replace my high. i love learning new moves and lifts and routines and excercises. and i like enjoying the male candy around me. and you know what i think i have earned some respect from certain of my regular male gym goers. they see i aint there to mess about. and im good with good gym ettiquete.
also i upped my level on stairmaster today, it was harder but i managed and i may have to up it agian.
seriously this is my happy place, and i cant imagine giving up on gym anymore. i hope i never do.
just looking at this goal. and i remember thinking initially when i posted this, that it would be difficult, but was just looking at it now. this is actually so doable and will be fun.
its jsut 10 sets of 10 reps of each. and i do it in circut style so its quick and hiit and not boring. will do it in a weeks time when im done with the james wilson trainer.
if i like this little challenge i might do it more often as a general workout routine to have in my armour. i like having tried and tested workout routines i can use when i wanna change things up.
alot of things i want to be doing at some point this year. 3 main things is i want to move out into a small 1 bed or studio apartment. the fact that i live and work in an expensive area does not help. add to that rent and bills. etc. deposit.
i also want to go on a turkish sailing holiday in august and that will cost a £1000
and i want to buy a small second hand car… and all the costs that go with that.
plus i still ahve to pay my college fees monthly.
and then there is food and travel and misc.
so i need to start being financially savvy. see where i can cut back, spend less, find bargains, save money, recycle stuff. find new sources of income, ask for more hours at work, ask other staff members if they dont feel like working i will take their shift, work hard, charm and delight my customers so they tip better etc etc. i need to look at all avenues and ways.
i dont earn alot, but i also have savings as a back up, tho i dont like dipping into it, and i know if i do half these things i want to do, it could seriously deplete savings if im not careful. so it is super important that i make the right decisions and look at costs in each instance. if i do move out and get a car, i will barely make ends meet, which is why i really need to get into the habit of watching every single penny, and being aware of whats going on financially and where i can make savings as well as new sources of income
i need to have a think aobut all this. but this is the general idea.
as i like this goal. i have been terrible at doing it and havent put aside any money. and we are now into the end of march. so i have decided this goal will go on the back burner and i will re-open it in the new year, when i will be more organised.
i still intend to be saving and cutting back and budgeting but i jsut cannot do it according to this specific goal.
i think the most important factor of this goal is to make it automated and do it weekly myself. and not hold cash. oh and remembering to do it is a good idea.
anyway next year i will be better prepared.
guy at work didnt end up getting my fb message, which is why he didnt reply yesterday, because he told me he has his settings set to no one from the public can find or add him, only he can add people. so because i havent added him as a friend yet, he didnt get my message. so i think he thought i was ignoring him and not wanting to add him as a friend, so i explained to him today, that i had given fb up for lent, and that i dont hate him (far from it – ha) and will add on saturday when lent is over.
i dont think he understood me at all when i explained this to him this morning… i think he thought i rejected his request. anyway when we both started our second shift in the eve, he brought it up again, saying so you did send me a message, so i said yes and i showed him the message on my phone, and thats when he explained how he has his fb set up. he also told me that he has since deleted the friend request, so on saturday i must just re-add him. we both have mutual friends now, plus i can see his profile through them and through the message i sent.
anyway besides that, i refrained from talking about the girl in the pic with him, didnt bring it up at all. i really cannot be bothered with it, and i dont wanna feel like a idiot talking bout it. i still dont know that it is his gf or not. im sure when i do add him, i will find out soon enough if its his gf or not, or it will eventually come up in convo. and im sure he might expect me to bring it up today or soon in future, but im gonna just ignore that little fact, and he can wonder whatever he wants to think. he will no doubt know that ive seen the pic, but i dont have to acknowlege it and i shant. unless he brings it up. other than that, had a nice day at work with him. he and i shared some silly chitchat over this fb stuff, and other nonsense. and it was so cool, i just walked out the bar, cos i was closing it, and i had this coffee shelf thing i wanted to take to the kitchen to wash and i was thinking bout something, and i was in a really good mood, and i had this big smile on my face as i walked through the restaurant through to the kitchen, and he was standing there looking at me, and he was smiling at me, as i walked towards him… and we both jsut had big smiles on our face until i came to him, still smiling… and then i got closer and he was smiling but this time when we came together we jsut laughed together for no reason, so i said, what are you laughing at :)... and he jsut smiled and laughed more and said nothing. so i said here, you can wash this for me im too lazy, lol. and smiled at him again and walked off. anyway it was silly, but it was a nice moment. cos it was really nice, that we sort of just locked each other in our sights and were smiling at each other till we got to each other and then had a silly laugh for no reason. that was my highlight. it was like our own private little silly moment. i jsut liked that we were smiling together and laughing for no reason. i really enjoy our laughs.
anyway, i still think he may have this gf, but im not gonna change the way i am, im not doing anything wrong. im jsut being friendly and enjoying his friendship. if he has a gf so be it. thats life.
i feel better today.
thinking that once i finish the james wilson 12 week trainer (im currently on week 11)... im gonna spend the rest of this year focussed on doing mostly cardio workouts each day. bit of HIIT and steady cardio. add to that i want to add in some sort of leg workout routine, and something for arms too. because basically i want to blast fat, but also i want to work on legs and thighs, for me, i can live with the rest of my body, but i jsut wanna get my legs to look thinner and better. for me, its my problem area. so i wanna try and focus on them in some way. so def the cardio for overall. and then some leg stuff. i know i cant spot reduce this area, but i can certainly work on getting it toned.
so whilst currently its all been strength training and a little cardio at the end, now its gonna be cardio and a little strength training. i need to blast fat, and its the only way to get it done quick. thinking will stick to this plan for the rest of the year till August holiday.
i jsut now have to formulate the routine for each day. the cardio stuff is easy… its the resistance stuff i wanna think about. i have some old faithful excercizes i wanna be doing. but i need to think about it all.
has been bittersweet. i was in college today, doing my work. get a fb friend request on my phone. from the guy i like at work.
couldnt beleive it, was such a shock. so i clicked on it and there was his pic asking me to be his friend. and heres the bitter part, clicked on his profile and saw that he had updated his cover pic the night before to a pic of him and another woman, they looked pretty happy and cosy, tho not kissing. it could either be a friend pic or a gf pic. anyway that brought me back down to earth again. and made me feel like crap. thats my slap in the face, that ive grown to expect with matters of the heart, every time i fall for someone.
anyway i dont know that its his gf, but im amused he put it up yesterday it says, and today he adds me. so yeah i get the message loud and clear, thats him telling me hes not available i guess.
i havent added him on fb as i am not on fb as i gave it up for lent. so i sent him a message where i kept it really polite and friendly, saying thanks for the add, but i cant add you know, as i have given fb up for lent so havent used it for the month, but i will add him on Sat when lent is over. i then said, see you at work, take care. smiley face.
but yeah i decided if he has a gf i am not gonna be anything but friendly and polite there. no x’s
he hasnt responded to it anyhow. but yeah thats been a bit of a blow, i half expected it tho. at the same time i dont know that its his gf, but the likely hood, is that it is.
what really annoys me, is that, although i have never said or made it blatantly obvious that i really like him alot, just silly flirting and smiles and chit chat, so he could have guessed that i liked him, and i felt that he likes me back… but if thats the case… then if this is your gf…. well he really shouldnt add me on fb, knowing i have feelings for him in some way. and im amused he added the cover pic last night only. it hasnt been on there for months or somehting.
anyway, im just gonna carry on being my pleasant self to him at work, talk to him tomoz, make sure he did understand my message as i got no reply… and i may or may not tell him i think his gf is pretty, and see what he says. will see how i feel about it. regardless im just gonna keep doing my thing, my happiness factor around him will probably wane a bit, but i dont want it to get me down. and change our friendship. he is a really nice guy, and maybe he really jsut likes me as a friend, cos we have good laughs sometimes. its nice. but yeah, i had a bit of a cry later this eve. ive been tough all day about it, but i just let it out in the eve, cos just felt like, here we go again, another dead end. good guy taken. slap in the face. how dare i think i had a chance!
i think its amusing he even added me at all. he obviously got my fb name cos there are these other 2 portuguese chefs that work for us, they are an older couple in their late 40s and 50s… and they are always on fb playing stupid games and both have a 1000 friends… its madness i think…. anyway, im pretty certain, they would have added him on there…. and then my name would have automatically come up as people you may know, as i am friends with both of them. so he added me. but he hasnt added anyone else from work, i think im the only floor staff he really gets on with, the rest is all kitchen staff.
anyway, thats my sad tale for the day. put a dampner on my spirits a bit, i will probably find out the truth tomorow at some point.
i knew it was gonna happen.
like the real life bridget jones when i read some of my entries under this goal. its so embarressing. i can be like a teenager with a massive crush and all giddy and silly sometimes. i cant imagine what some people must think of me reading these.
but this is my place to put my silly thoughts and feelings about love and men out there. half the time its much ado aobut nothing.
if i could sum up my dating life till this point in my life. this is the word i would use. hard, my dating life has been hard. and ive been hurt and had my heart broken more times than i care to admit. and its taken its toll. and sometimes i believe that i will never find my person, and i do make peace with it, but i am a incurable romantic at heart, so i will always delight in a little romance if i can. and it brings me a little joy for this moment in time. and id rather have that, than to have no feeling at all, no hope, no emotion, even if it all amounts to nothing and i get my hopes up high for nothing, or i get hurt. for me its worth it cos it makes me feel good and gives me something to believe in and hope for. i can say what i like, they can keep knocking me down or hurting me, but i will always have hope for love. i know it exists. i have felt it and known it years ago in the past. i jsut hope i find it for myself again.
smitten with this guy that i work with. i just love it when we get the chance to have a quick chat. and thats not often cos we are working and its busy and we in different areas in restaurant.
but 90% of the time when we talk, we seem to smile at each other alot when we do. he makes me feel good. i like when his face lights up when we talk and i do the same, i cant help but smile at him.
the other day, i was feeling a bit moody and sad, when i walked into the kitchen, i didnt talk to him tho i do feel a bit self conscious with him there whenever i go in, and he asked me what was wrong, why am i sad, i had no real reason, i just smiled at him, and said no real reason, id just rather be somewhere else. but i instantly smiled and lit up when he spoke to me and he smiled back. i have to admit, i sometimes feel sad, that i dont get to speak to him much because of our work. but we make chit chat when we can, sometimes i start talking first other times, he does. and im just so glad that he came to work by us, and i have gotten the chance to meet him. its like for the first time in ages, i see someone that could be my person, someone that i am falling for and it feels so good and real, and its like a small romance thats slowly developing. and thats what i have wanted for ages and i havent felt for ages. im falling for him. i only hope that its a mutual thing. it seems like it is, but at the same time, i think maybe he is just being really friendly and kind to me, and likes me as a friend. and he jsut gets on with me in that way. that scares me a little. i hope it wont be the case.
when i came in this morning, he brought up his “brother” that id mentioned the day before, saying if i saw him i must show him his “brother” when he comes in, cos i told him i served a guy that looked like he could be his brother and i honestly thought it was. so thought that was cool that he remembered that.
he said a nice thing to me, tonight as i walked in the kitchen to get something. he randomly said, i always know when ur comming in here or when your behind me. i smiled and said why/how? he says, cos he can smell me, each time lol. its cos i wear vanilla perfume and i always put it on before i start a shift. even my boss comments on it saying he just smells a waft of vanilla going past him each time. another chef comments on it too. they all like it and so do i. so i said well i hope i smell nice!? and he smiled and said i did. :)
see i just melt a bit each time. when he says silly things like that. its all these little things that get me. and he is just so lovely and always greets me or says goodbye. and tonight he finished before me and i said bye to him quietly as i was tired and was still finishing closing the bar, and i was feeling bit sad, cos he was leaving and he said nothing, as our boss was there, he jsut looked at me and winked at me as he walked past. i like it when he winks at me. thats the second wink, i quite like it.
i do feel a pang of sadness whenever he finishes a shift or isnt in. sometimes i ignore him when i go to the kitchen or when he is around me, only because, it jsut feels too intense, his prescence, and i jsut cant make eye contact, cos if i do, it will just be so obvious that i like him. and i dont want to make him or myself uncomfortable. and so sometimes i jsut distance myself a little. pretend hes the last thing on my mind, when its definatley not the case.
yeah im jsut totally smitten. hes jsut a lovely guy, and im falling for him. i think he is handsome. he is taller, quite a bit taller than me, im short, but i like his height, suits him, he is handsome, dresses well. nice olive skintone, nice smile, love the accent, love when he speaks in portuguese. love when we have a laugh together. and i love the way he says my name, in the portuguese way and with his accent. its nice. he comes accross as a really great genuine guy, a good guy. my gut instinct hasnt been sending me warning signals. there have been no alarm bells going off. hes been nothing short of lovely and kind to me. i cannot fault a thing he has said to me or that i know he has said to anyone. i dont expect him to be perfect at all, but it is so nice to meet someone who jsut seems really good, and i feel like he is a good person. im so used to having men say and do things i dont want and this guy is just so lovely. its jsut a breath of fresh air to me. and i am loving it so much. and its been a long time, since i have felt like that over a guy. having said all that, i only know this work side of him, and i dont know him on a personal level. but what ive seen so far, for me, it is jsut so nice. i guess im just old fashioned for wanting a guy who is not attention seeking or a cocky, or a player. he could be those things, but so far… i have seen nothing like that from him.
i still have no clue about if he is single or not. i keep meaning to look to see if he wears a ring, but im pretty sure he doesnt purely cos of the nature of our work, but im hoping to at least see if there is like a wedding band mark, to give it away. hes only been in england 2 months or so, and he comes from portugal a hot country so i figure, he would have a band mark at the least. detective annie is in the building. i suck i know. sigh, well, heres hoping good things come of this. i dont mind taking my time with whatevers going on here. i just hope it will be a postive experience. fingers crossed. i really like him. the minute i find out he isnt single, its going to be a hard thing to bear. it will knock me for six. hopefully it wont happen.
i will keep hoping for the best. i really like him.
spent a couple of days last week looking online at various studio and one bed apartments/flats. and i might actually call some agents some time this week to get more info and maybe even go for some viewings.
i really want to move out at some point this year. the sooner the better.
into week 11 tommorow. 2 more weeks and then i have officially completed this :)
want love but im scared of it too.
i want to go back to that young girl who used to love like she never got hurt. i want to work on that.
the guy i work with. um im quite smitten with him. its like all consuming for me. hes on my mind alot. and when im at work, i am very aware of his presence. i only ever forget about him when im super busy.
but anyway, he is really sweet and friendly to me, always says hi back, and asks how i am. we dont always get a chance to talk as we have different shifts and its usually busy so no time to talk sometimes. but we sometimes make small talk and he will smile and i will smile. yesterday i worked in the eve, and he came in to start his shift and i smiled at him and said hello and he winked at me, as he was talking to the other chef. then later that eve, i was leaving the kitchen and he was comming in, but we kind of didnt see each other, and basically walked into each other, and well he just grabbed me by my arms and i jsut smiled and said, oh, and well it was just a heady moment for me. that was nice! feeling his touch!
and then last night, i served this guy who came in on his own, and this guy had the same features as the guy in the kitchen, looked very much like him, looked portuguese, had the same portuguese type accent, and he jsut came in sat on his own and ordered some pasta and a glass of red wine. so i served him. he made some chit chat in the end. he was nice and friendly. but in my head, all i could think was this guy, looks exactly like the guy in the kitchen. i wonder if its his brother? maybe he jsut came to see where he worked. but i didnt say anything, i figured he would have said something if that was the case. but it was uncanny. so later that eve, when i was closing restaurant, asked my crush if he had a brother… he looked at me puzzled? and i explained why… cos there was this guy in the eve that looked and sounded like him. he said no he didnt have a brother anymore, his brother passed away 6 years ago and he had 2 sisters. i said aww sorry to hear that. he then goes, you know my father was a crazy man, maybe i have a brother i dont know about! lol. and we laughed, and giggled over that. it was nice!
the other day, we made small talk again, and we joked and laughed.
i really like him. that irish guy, i had a bad feeling about him, that he was wrong for me right from the get go, even before i met him and after, and i didnt trust him.
this guy, i feel only good things. he seems a good guy and sincere. and im getting to know him. its nice.
but… i am sooo scared to ask if he has a wife and kids or a gf… cos i dont know if i can handle the truth if he does. so im avoiding asking it, and see if it will come up eventually or if he will try to get to know me better. it will be so sad for me if he does. in my head im thinking he is 42, he is attractive, hes a good guy, how can he be single? he may even have a wife and kids in portugal for all i know.
but well he is being really sweet and friendly to me, and a little flirty in a nice way, nothing over the top. he makes the effort to make small talk with me, even random nonsense. i really like him alot. i only hope he is single and might be interested in me but im so used to all the good ones being taken, literally everytime. but i shall think positive and until i find out otherwise, believe that there is an abundance of love out there, and hopefully this guy might come into my life as more than a friend. i would really like that. i plan to continue to jst be friends with him and enjoy his company at work when i can. jsut get to know his personality abit more and see the type of person that he is. and see what happens. i have no intention of asking him about wether he is single or not as i dont want to make it blatantly obvious that i am interested, and also im scared of the answer a bit. that information will come eventually in some way. but yeah just be there and enjoy the moments for what they are. hopefully good things will come. so far, he seems like a great guy. i dont expect perfection or a saintly person, but i do expect respect, trust and that kind of thing, so if i see those kinds of traits, then for me those are good qualities. so far, ive seen nothing of him that tells me he is a player or full of himself. so i like that very much. anyway. its all nothingness and me daydreaming as usual, but it makes me happy for now.
on another note, i am very conscious of the fact that we work together so im trying to keep things cool at the same time, esp when other people around. i do not want people to know i like him or vice versa (if thats the case). not until there is something definate going on. and the best bit… it may never happen. but thats life.
algerian crush, arranged for me to get another free coffee on the house, and he got his friend in on the act too!
went to pret to buy my coffee, crush said hi, how are you etc, but was also serving other people. so his friend served me and made my coffee. so i heard his friend say to him, no charge, and he says no charge… i ignored what i was hearing and gave the guy my money after he made it and he said no, its on the house, and crush said the same, i was in shock over this, esp as their were other customers being served at same time, and behind me, who probably observed this, as well as his manager was like 3 feet away, doing somethign… so i jsut protested a bit but knew it was hopeless so just smiled and said i cant believe this, they smiled back, so i said ok, smiled and thanked and waved at them both, and they continued serving people.
its very sweet gesture. its my 3rd free coffee over the last 3 months or so… but these boys are crazy. i dont want them to give me coffee on the house, i want to pay for it… but i cant make too much of a fuss, cos then i think they might get in trouble, cos they shouldnt be doing it!
oh dear. i think he/they are being very silly now. the first time was sweet, but this is the third time, and their managers are around, as well as other customers. i dont want him/them to potentially lose their jobs. i think next time i go their and its quiet im going to try and talk to him calmly and tell him that its very kind and sweet, but i dont feel comfortable with it. and i dont want them to keep doing it and get in trouble. hopefully he will see sense, but i worry it will fall on deaf ears.
also, whilst i think he is cute and all, i think my crush over him has lessoned, partially cos i kind of like someone else at my work now, but this guy clearly likes me. and i dont know what he is expecting by giving me coffee on the house each time. also i am pretty sure i am much older than him. i cant tell his age, but i think hes prob mid 20s , so im too old for him anyway.
but they are so sweet, but yeah i need to stop all this free coffee business somehow.
