montyandtimmon




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  1. 1. experience ego death
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experience ego death
so stupid.

it’s the worst. the absolute worst. i don’t wish this upon my enemies. it happened to me about 5 months ago, and i still feel awkward all the time.

so basically i was at a party and took some shrooms. i started tripping pretty hard, and the amount of people at the party was overwhelming so i had to leave. i was walking away from the party with a few a friends that were pretty drunk. theyre drunk, loud actions were starting to freak me out, and i knew i was in for a bad trip. finally i told my friend to shut up, and at that second something horrible happened. i heard myself talking, unlike i had ever heard myself before. i questioned myself, did i just say that? why did i just say that? was that really me saying that? why am i thinking of thinking of saying that? why am i thinking? what is my consciousness? what is his consciousness? and the second i started to really think and question consciousness i totally lost it. everything started slipping away, my memories, thoughts, emotions. i slipped into a void. i did have my memories, but i didn’t know what to think of them. i knew i had a mom and a dad, but i didn’t really know in what reality they existed. my whole life has been a sham. i could see myself from this new horrible perspective. i felt enlightened in the most disturbing way possible. there was this sense of oneness with the universe, but i hated every second of it. i hated myself. i saw everything i hated about myself all at the same time. i felt like dying. that was the closest i had ever been to suicide. there was a bridge right down the street that i was going to walk to, but my friend wouldn’t let me walk away. its such a horrible realization that i didn’t want to live with the knowledge i know have. my friend tried to bring me back to reality by telling me to think of things that give me a hightened sense of emotion. so i started thinking of my past break up and i was able to snap out of it. when i snapped out every emotion kind of hit me at once and i just started crying tears of joy that i felt something again. i still had this feeling that everything was fake, but i just told myself that i’d be fine once the mushrooms wore off.

unfortunately, i never really felt better. the next two weeks were the worst two weeks of my life. i had never felt more insane. i didn’t see the point in doing anything. i was just existing, or so i hoped. i still have occasional feeling where i can hear myself talking, and then everything seems fake. i drink 6 cups of coffee a day since then to keep my brain going to fast to stop and think about it.

i have gotten better though. i dont feel anymore sane. its more of i just have learned how to live with it. i try to keep social as much as possible. being social helps a lot. you’ve got to reconstruct you’re ego. to get better you have to realize you’re ego is an illusion and just accept it.

all and all, constructive, yet horrible. redefining ignorance is bliss, leaving every moment surreal, and every memory questionable.




 

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