morrigirl

This year I finally got my shit together and applied to six Creative Writing MFA programs. I was accepted to three of the six, and two of them offered me merit scholarships!

Honestly? I was totally shocked! I thought maybe ONE program would accept me, if I was lucky. I never imagined I’d actually have to make a choice.

It was tough, probably one of the toughest decisions I’ve ever made in my life. But after a lot of thought, I decided to attend the Vermont College of Fine Arts. It’s a low-residency program, and I start in June :-)

I finally managed to worm my way into a larger house by moving in with my long-time boyfriend who owns a condo on Long Island. Yes, my work commute sucks now, but at least I have space to put all my crap AND I have heat in the winter. Huzzah!

I’m still trying to get my weight down to 130. I haven’t really been putting in any effort toward this goal, but I’m feeling energetic this week so, hey, why not lay down a brand new plan of attack?

I’ve decided it’s beetter not to look at the big picture. Maybe I’ll make more progress if I break this big goal down into smaller, more manageable ones. So, I’m going to aim to lose 5 pounds and get myself down to 140 by the end of July. I think that is more than enough time to accomplish my goal.

And what will I do toward that end? Well, lemme tellya:

1) I will stop drinking soda. Caffeine and carbonation make my tummy hurt! I swore off of soda for three years, and I can sure as hell do it again.

2) I will walk the half mile home from the subway whenever physically possible.

3) I will try to walk more in general. I like walking. It makes me feel good. Sure, my nerve injury means I can’t do as much walking as I used to, but my body is capable of far more than I give it credit for. As long as I aim for moderation I think I’ll be okay.

4) I will not eat any more than 1200 calories a day.

5) I will only eat when I’m hungry.

6) I will track all of my food consumption and exercise on FitDay.

7) I will try to weigh myself at least once a week.

There. That’s enough to start with.

My super-senior year college roommate, Gemma, just got engaged and asked me to be a bridesmaid at her wedding next May. Though I’ve never been part of a wedding party and that’s plenty to get excited about, this wedding will be my second chance to catch a bouquet! I may have failed to catch Gayle’s, but I will not fail to catch Gemma’s. No way.

Okay, assuming I don’t go and permanently injure myself in any way, from now on I’m doing as many push ups as I am capable of doing every night until I start to see some results. Furthermore, I will continue to eat healthy, count my calories, and engage in low impact cardio to help things along.

I have been in my box of an apartment for four years now. It was fine when I was a new college grad and didn’t have much stuff, but I’ve outgrown the place.

I’m 30 years old. I should not be living like a college student anymore. I need a place where I can spread out. A place with a full kitchen and reliable heat in the winter. A place I’m not ashamed to show my friends. I want a studio or one bedroom I can actually afford. Moreoever, I’d like to live in White Plains. I like the area and could probably find a good deal on an apartment if I looked hard enough.

However, there are financial concerns. I’m paying up the ass for physical therapy right now, and that needs to be a priority until I can find a way to get my health insurence to pay for it. So, moving right now isn’t an option.

When I made the decision to move out of my mom’s house I said I wouldn’t make the move until I had accumulated 10K in my savings account to cover moving costs and first months rent. I think that’s a good place to start. Right now I have 6K in my savings account. I’m going to try to continue putting money in when I can, and when I reach my goal of 10K I will reassess my finances and determine if a move is affordable and logistically possible.

A couple weeks ago I took inventory of my “to read” pile. The stack is about two feet tall and comes up to my knees. Now, I read about four or five books a month on average, sometimes more, sometimes less. After assessing my “to read” pile with that number in mind I figured out that I have enough reading material to last me the next SIX MONTHS!

This is both a good thing and a bad thing. It’s good because it means I don’t have to buy any new books for six months and it’s just as well because I have more important things to direct my cash towards at the moment. It’s bad because I read a lot of series and I want to buy the next books as they come out. So, to keep myself happy on all fronts I’m allowing myself to buy new books but only if they A) are part of a series I’m already heavily invested in, or B) are written by an author I am heavily invested in. I’m not allowed to pay for any books written by authors I’m unaquainted with or start any new series. I think that’s a good compromise.

I also have a lot of books I’ve finished, but don’t want to keep laying around my house. This week I’ll try to get down to my local branch library and ask if they take donations.

I rolled about $140 in change this week and put it straight into my savings. I’m going to try and make a more concerted effort to roll my change, because that shit adds up!

I just got back from a week long vacation in Chicago. While I was there I practiced visualization and relaxation exercises almost every night before I went to sleep as a way to combat my pelvic floor dysfunction and vulvodynia symptoms. And, along with some well timed, good old fashioned bed rest, it worked.

I’ve discovered that the chakra system is a good focal point for me. It’s easy for me to visualize, it’s orderly and logical, and it relates the mond and body. Do I honestly believe in the chakra system? Not sure. But, as a focal point, it works for me. Better than focusing on my breath (boooring)and better than guided meditation (too elaborate.)

I’ve missed a few nights since I got back home, but I’m going to start doing this on a nightly basis again.

I seem to have gotten down to 141 pounds by accident seeing as I haven’t been actively pursuing this goal. I’d like to start making, if not a full-fledged effort, at least a partial one. So it looks like I’ve got 11 more pounds to go before I reach my goal.

Well, I lost 15 pounds over the summer. I was down to 130 in August. Unfortunately, I gained them all back over the holiday season, which is par for the course for me. So, I’d like to get back down to 130, maybe even 125. I’ve managed to do it every spring for the last two years. If I can do it once, I can do it again.

I was doing so well, and then I reached that point where you start to think “I’m doing great! That means I can allow myself to slack a little.” But, moderation and I do not mix. I don’t have the control required to re-introduce “bad” foods in smaller amounts. I am an extreme person. I need to keep myself on a tight leash, otherwise I will over-indulge.

So, here’s yet another list of the things I plan to do to improve my eating habits:

1) Eat more greens

2) Eat more fish

3) Consume more protein

4) Eat more whole wheat products

5) Continue eating lots of yogurt

6) Continue to stay away from caffeine

7) Curb my daily intake of sweets

8) Go back to calorie counting

9) Utilize my food journal once again

I’m keeping it simple for now. I’ll refine my goals as I go along.

The symptoms of my vulvodynia have been getting worse. For the last six months I’ve been having frequent pain flares, each a little worse than the last. Once I started on pain medication back in 2006 my pain flares became less and less frequent, and could always be traced back to a specific trigger. Now, there are no triggers. The pain just comes and goes as it pleases. Sex is completely off the table. I can’t do it without suffering intense pain.

I can’t live like this. So, here’s what I plan to do to improve the situation. In no particular order…

1) Remember to practice healing visialization everyday, and balance my chakras every other day.

2) Schedule that pelvic sonogram my gynecologist wants me to have.

3) Speak to my gynecologist about raising my Elavil dosage.

4) Speak with her about the possibile benefits of physical therapy.

5) Get a referral to a neurologist or pelvic pain specialist who can conduct tests to see if I have pudendal neuralgia.

6) Eat healthier in order to build up my immune system.

Today is a monumental day because I finally paid off my first student loan in full. My 5K Perkins loan is now history. I put the final check in the mail today. 5K down, 12K in Stafford loans to go.

My friend Meghan is a very talented painter. She also knows exactly how much she is worth. Back in college, when our other painter friends were unloading canvases for 40 or 50 dollars, Meghan wouldn’t part with any of hers for under 80. At her senior art show I purchased one of her larger paintings for 120 bucks, which was quite a lot for a poor college student like me. But it was a lovely landscape and I really wanted it so I came up with the money.

With her second NYC gallery show in the making, these days her work is priced between 4-5K a canvas. I would love to have one of her newer pieces, and since the poor darling works three jobs to support herself I want to pay full price. I’ll have to start saving my pennies.

I have become complacent. I am no longer actively working toward this goal, and that’s bad because when I am not completely focused on it I tend to slack in some very big ways. So, I guess I’ll just try to plow through my ennui and make it work.

It’s probably worth noting that one of my collegaues complimented me on my writing skills last week. With my boss’s position still vacant, it has fallen to me to write the cover letter to this year’s steward reports. Our temporary Director read the letter I wrote and could not say enough good things about it. He even went as far as to call it “miraculous.” He thought I really captured the President’s voice well. Hearing that made me very happy. It was the first praise I’d ever received for an important written assignment.

It’s happening again. I’m falling back into my pattern of missing work on a regular basis, and I hate myself for it. I find my job so mind-numnbingly boring that I never want to go, and when I’m there I never want to do any work. For a number of reasons, I can’t go off and find a new job right now. I gotta stick with this one, and if I’m gonna stick with this one I need to show up everyday.

A few months back I reconnected with a very dear friend of mine from college via Facebook. This past Saturday the two of us had a phone date. It was so wonderful to hear his voice again after so many years. Will and I spoke for two and a half hours. After five years, we had a lot to catch up on. I told him that I am never ever ever falling out of touch with him again. No siree-bob, he is stuck with me from now till eternity. He thought that sounded just fine.

Well, I went to the wedding, however I did not go with pretty firm arms.

I’ve discovered that I can’t do most upper arm toning exercises as they aggravate an already existing pain disorder. And it’s not just in my upper body, it’s everywhere. All toning and strength building exercises throw my body into intense pain and I’ve been advised not to do them. So, I’m going to have to give up on this goal. I’m sorry that my dreams of having awesome biceps and a four pack will probably never come to fuition, but that’s life.

So, I went to Gayle’s wedding weekend before last and failed to catch the bouquet :-( They announced the throw while I was in the bathroom. As a result, I wound up in the back and to the side of the group as oppose to smack dab in the middle like I wanted to be. Also, Gayle lied and DID NOT toss the bouquet in my general direction the way she said she would. Instead, she tossed it as far away from me as she possibly could.

So, I didn’t get the bouquet and I was very upset because I’d wanted it so badly. I’ve decided that throwing the bouquet is incredibly unfair and I will not be doing it at my own wedding. Instead, I’m going to put the bouquet down in the middle of the dance floor and let all the girls fight for it. I want the person who wants it the most to get it, and the person who wants it the most will be willing to roll around on the floor, pull other women’s hair, and punch others to get her hands on it. So be it. More entertainment for the rest of us.

My chances of ever catching a bouquet have decreased significantly. Since most of my friends are gay I can’t expect to be catching any bouquet from them any time soon. And my two or three straight friends are no where near ready to get married.

sigh Not fair.