moxie2009

I’m not exactly sure how to get over myself, or if I can, or if I even want to. I’m all I’ve got, really.

That said – I’m really not interested in making “myself” the center of my world. It’s very boring, for one thing, and I am a self among other selves, obviously – for another.

The weird thing is acknowledging that so much fear is utterly reasonable, and that it’s the true neurotic who doesn’t have any.

That said, as I go deeper into the darkness my fear lessens. I guess because I’m facing it. I aspire to be happy in spite of everything I know and see, and because of the things I see that are truly worth feeling happy about. But any kind of idea about happiness that requires I turn a blind eye – repress or deny – forget it. And I think our culture is riddled with this kind of lame-brained metaphyics. Life is pain. If not for you, than for someone else – probably someone you know, and for good reason they feel their pain. I don’t see how it’s possible to avoid this in life. And the idea of contriving one that is designed about having good times and good vibes all the time, while life goes on as it does, is repellent to me. Just – weak, pitiful, immature, shallow, self-indulgent garbage.

But then again, it could just be the mood I’m in after mediatating on what it would be like to spend 18 years with your rapist.

News of that girl “rescued” after 18 years in captivity has been haunting me for days. I can’t seem to stop thinking about it. I see no possiblity of anyone recovering from 18 years of that kind of abuse. It just isn’t possible, so far as I’m concerned. And who is this guy? Where do people like this come from, and what makes them into the way they are?

Meanwhile, I told my thesis advisor that I thought Freud’s theory of infantile sexuality viz. the “seduction theory” was an apology for pedophilia. He looked at me with disgust – as if I was a complete moron.

It frusterates me that I can’t comprehend the link between this kind of fucked-up “knowledge” that is laled out in humanities programs, and the gender politics they are predicated on and so necessarily promote.

Freud didn’t believe that so many hysterics had been or could be molested by their fathers, so he deduced this was a fantasy of little girls – to fuck their daddies. It is so twisted, and yet when I call it as I see it – they look at ME like there’s something wrong with what I see…

And there is a direct connection between the on-going rape and torture of girls and women in the Congo, the abduction and rape of girls in our own culture, and what passes for “theory” in my pitiful department.

I see it clearly, but of course, I can explain it, because I don’t understand it. And it makes me really sick and sad that this is so.