mrsheller

I havent smoked in a month. I’m super proud of me. I’ve managed to keep myself insanely busy the last four weeks so that helps, as does a ton of gum. I went out to see Hell’s Belles all last weekend, where I was hanging out with all of my friends that smoke. I even drank a couple of times and didnt smoke, so I think I’m pretty much passing every test. Yeah me.

I dont even know if I can describe how happy I am that I chose to quit drinking right now. Four days after I quit, my husband and I decided to buy a house. Now, I’ll let you know, buying a house was not only something I absolutely NEVER think about, the few times I did think about it, I thought that banks would laugh hysterically at my credit. This buying a house, it’s Mr. Heller’s big dream. Everyday for the last ten days the one thing running through my mind as I destroy the house looking for all the damn paperwork we need is how all I want is a gosh darn drink, but if I did let myself slip that I could very possibly ruin this dream for Mr. Heller. I live with this tiny fear that I am going to somehow ruin something for him, and I kept thinking, this is it. If I am going to ruin something for him, this is what it will be. So far I have not ruined it, I have been super on top of stuff and we are set to close on time, knock on wood. So I feel really empowered right now. I feel like I’m breaking my habit, facing a deep dark fear and totally conquering life right now. It’s pretty rad. I am having really bad dreams and I know that I am keeping myself so busy with this house and school and work that I’m distracted from the giant depression trying to squeeze out. Every day for a minute or two I’ll be somewhere and all of the sudden I feel myself sink into a little hole of dispair. It’s horrible. All of the sudden, for what seems like no reason, my self esteem will just pop like a bubble and all I want to do is cry and hide. It blows. I have managed to push it aside and throw myself into work or packing or studying. I know that eventually I will probably need to give into it a little bit. I’d rather give in to it in a more celebrated way though. Like, I know I’m going to have to just sit and have a good cry because this is really hard and scary and tiring and I need to let it all out but I want it to be more like a cleansing or something than a depression. The truth is, life couldnt be any better and the biggest reason is that I’m living it sober. I am feeling levels of happy that I cant even remember ever feeling. Jesus, I’m happy I can remember all the things that have been going on the last few weeks, even the days where Mr. heller and I argued about money and morgages and loans and fought like a couple of seven year olds. )”I dont like you right now” “I dont like YOU MORE”) It’s life, and I’m LIVING it, and I REMEMBER it, and I FEEL it, all of it. And I love it. Oh yeah, I havent smoked either. Yay for gum!

My mother smoked for a long time and she kept trying to quit whenever my family was moving. We always moved to a different continent and it was always very stressful. Anyway, she didnt actually quit until a couple of years ago, after all the kids were gone. :) Anyway, I called to to tell her I had quit smoking and that my husband just got sick and what a huge baby he was being and how I was super crabby because I wanted to smoke. So she says, no time is a good time to quit smoking. Something always happens that’s “too stressful” but I should keep on going with it. So I am, It’s been a week. I’m glad, because this week blows. First my husband is sick, and let me tell you, I don’t know what it is about guys when they get sick but you all turn into helpless whiny bitches. I was hoping he’d be giving ME some TLC through my first quitting week, but no. He missed two days of work because of his “bad cold” and completely ruined (not actually) my special “yeah for me not smoking” day. It wasnt actually ruined, but when you’re planning on sleeping in until ten AM and your husband-turned-five-year-old wakes you up before eight AM to ask you when you’re going to get up, well, the day just isnt starting out so great. So, this is exciting, we found a house that we are going to put an offer on. So yeah, the stress begins and the borderline arguments about money and budgets begins. Super fun. Then the next day I wake up totally sick. Oh, I forgot the part about the eight page paper that was due on Thursday. I’ve been working on a research paper all week, and taking smoke breaks was a HUGE habit with paper writing. So sleeping in was my reward for myself for making it through the day. And I didnt get to do it! I did get a facial later, but seriously, this week was hectic. And I lived through it without a cigarrette. Did I mention my husband smokes a ton AND he and my realtor smoked while we looked at houses all day. Jerks. I said it didnt bother me, so it’s my own fault, but jesus. I’ve wanted a cigarrette about seven hundred times in the last three days and I only smoke about four cigarrettes a day unless I’m drunk or writing a paper. I read this over and it reads like my mind feels this week. Christ. But, you know, rad.