music54flute

self-discipline is not my greatest gift. the car is too great a responsibility for me to handle. hell, i can barely be responsible for myself and my food and my basic well being… i think i’ve accumulated 14 parking tickets already, on top of a traffic violation for having a faulty headlight. i have a court summons because of some unpaid car fees (probably the late registration), bringing my debt on account of the car upwards towards 2K… and the car’s only worth about 3.6K…

because i’m still stupid about seriously getting a job and believing it would affect my life career (though i’ve never believed in those life-long careers), i have no income to pay my credit card debt nor my phone bill (nor my car insurance for that matter). the cc ppl called me earlier, asking if i could pay 180 by the 17th, at which they’ll take 100 off the debt and not report it to the credit co.s… like that’ll happen… so the credit limit of 1.3K will have been not enough. the cell phone bill comes to 105 a month, and it’s 2 months passed due (0.2K). the car insurance is passed due, and it’ll end if i don’t pay by the 15th. meh, i don’t use the car very often anyways. i had actually planned on putting the car in storage (friend’s or dad’s garage), taking out some loan secured with the car, and paying off that car debt. maybe taking out a few more low-interest credit cards too…

that’s probably not the best idea, as this single credit card is barely manageable. added together, 1.3+0.2+2=3.5K plus any addition debt to friends that i’ve accumulated. not to mention the 4K i still owe my aunt for bailing me out of the scam/AE. and also that 10K that i kinda owe mom. she lent it to me for holding, but i used it up, thinking i would get a job (still job seeking back then) and pay it back… so 3.5++4+10=17.5K… ok so half of that is really family debt that kinda doesn’t count, but still it’s more motivation for me…

i now have more knowledge about budgeting, tasking, calendar reminders, and such. one doesn’t really need that many finance books to get the tips and tricks you can find on numerous finance blogs and information sites. why pay more to save? now it’s just a matter of making use of the tips and tricks i’ve learned with doing nothing at all. now it is just time to find the courage to deal with a temporary income source that WILL NOT affect my future, no matter what it is. after all, all paths are stepping stone to the meaning of life, no?

I just had a rather wonderful day and weekend.

Yoowi joined me yesterday (friday) to pick up chris from school for this weekend. rain splattered intermittently during the 5 hour drive, and he had a blast with the scenery and his camera. i’d really like to take him up to the mountains for either a roadtrip or a camping trip sometime. We dropped by seth’s for dinner and to get some of my boxes (i still have way too much stuff there, and seth isn’t happy about it, really neither am i), and dropped chris to dad’s (who dislocated a disk during one of his badminton club meetings). I stayed at yoowi’s and helped him move 90% of his stuff to his new place in richmond area with his fencing coach (who isn’t really that weird, just very communal/hippie, probably something new to him).

this evening, after dropping yoowi back to his place to let him finish off cleaning, i went to meet christina at embarcadero to experience the magnificent SF Pillow Fight. It was just as good as i imagined it, except for the part where we both had bags and so couldn’t really dedicate our hands to full on pillow fights with the thousands of people there, including many cute boys…. one even kinda started a very friendly conversation with us, about how we didn’t hit back. i joined candace, preston, and rhonda for a dinner and a movie after about an hour of observing, walking through the undulating crowd of dark coats, white pillows, and enough feathers flying about to make SF EC look like it’s snowing.

we had dinner at celia’s, where i took part in the shared sangria. stupidly, i’m still a very feathery lightweight, so after 2 shots i was about done for. yoowi called a bit earlier, and asked me to pick him up and bring him home (he was still at his old place, and mind you we’re in daly city). i said sure. but about 20 minutes after, when we’re just about done with dinner, the alcy starts to kick in, and i realize that i’m not really in shape to help him with my car. christina become the doll and calls to apologize for me. i feel horrible, really, about letting him down, but also the feeling comes from my complete lack of self confidence. i mean, asking him to be more than a friend, what honestly is there to loose? maybe some awkwardnes, but i also honestly don’t know him enough to really determine if he also has feelings for me, or if he’s the type to run away, or if he’ll just laugh it off and say “aww ur so cute hehehe”. it’s worth a shot really, as i’m feeling now, but that wasn’t my thought before the movie. i was getting down on myself, and seeing if i could really drink it away. thankfully, i have more control than that.

the movie we watched was “Confessions of a Shopaholic”. while it doesn’t relate to me directly or in completeness, the obsession is something i can relate to, as well as her loss and financial debt. she almost looses her love interest, but it turns out he’s really into her. a small blundle bring this to the fore-scene. but then she ruins it because she hasn’t been completely honest about who she is and major part of her recent history, so she looses him, but he realizes more and wins her back.
at a certain point in this story really hit me, that i was fearing for the breakup part, and then i was happy again about the traditional fairytale happy ending. after the movie, i just felt a breathe of fresh air, coming to the conclusion that i must be completely honest about myself, and honest about my feelings for someone else, whether they be emotional, intellectual, agreements, sexual, or otherwise. if not, i may loose whatever i wished would happen.

again, what is there to loose? just a short period of time, a potential relationship, some money, life still is all about taking chances. so far, i haven’t been very risk-taking, and it’s been a bore! i want to maintain a healthy, positive thought process, but it’s kinda hard considering how i’ve really thought myself as for these few months/years. i can say that i have progressed very far along my independence path, the path leading to true liberation and detachment from many stressful ties, and leading to a better future that’s just full of possibilities. i do see many things that help me in becoming someone in this world, making a difference, and even though it’s a learning process, so is rebirth. i’m not sure, but this life i’m probably most going to be working on gaining confidence in my abilities, learning the value of working hard and working past the hardships.

so now, the first thing to do, is follow my earthly heart: tell yoowi my feelings, and go for dancing class.

so i guess i have a lot of bad karma going around. my last place was also a doozie. shady people, misinformed decisions, lost. the Mansion, as it was called, was a terrific place. dark, hardwood floors, wall panels, and doors, a very roomy kitchen, great roommates….. well they WERE great roommates. little did i know that they were actually move out, most of them, as i was moving in. the house committee dissipated. my deposit was lost. on top of that, i lost my job. hehe pouring my soul for the world to see, stupidly. just another proof that the world is not fair, and one has to mold it into their own vision. or mold their vision to fit the world. whichever works. my vision desperately needs an editor.