mwadams

I’ve noticed over the last couple of years the bittnerness slowly creeping up on me. I finally realized this morning that it is through creeping and has taken up residence. I yelled at my 8 year old daughter this morning before school and made her cry. There was really no need to do that. Sure, she had all her clothes picked out last night, gets up on time, gets dressed and says “Oh wait, we have art, I can’t wear new clothes”. So I tell her to get some of her summer shorts and a nice shirt and her rainbows. Twenty minutes later (time to go) she comes out with her favorite dance pants, dirty of course, and a dressy shirt…no shoes, hair not brushed…I yelled at her for THAT. How stupid. All I had to do was calmly tell her to change and help her find clothes…I did help her find clothes, but berated her the whole time…My dad was mean to me ALL the time when I was younger. He was constantly on my case about something, he was abusive in every way, and constantly told me I’d be good for nothing, I was stupid, etc…The fact was, I was, and always have been an Honor Student…I’m in college now, and have been on the President’s List the whole time, I’m on the National Dean’s List, etc…I’m working on a Master’s, with a 4.0 average, so apparently, I’m not stupid, and some day, I will amount to something. My dad fell ill two years ago…the first semester I went back to school…I was his primary caretaker, because my mom suddenly was the only one working, and as a teacher, couldn’t miss more than 20 days of work…so…I was taking care of him, a baby who had just had open heart, as well as my two other children. I think I became angrier at him for being so nice to me and appreciating me at the end…when he could’ve been nice to me all my life. I know, I know…at least I got the opportunity to come to some kind of better relatinoship with him…BUT, I still, to this day, have mixed emotions about how I feel about his death. I think this is what caused the bitterness to finally set it. My mother won’t talk about it…she’s a “it’s done and over” kinda gal, and my husband practically jumped for joy…so…I don’t really have anyone to talk to who understands, because there isn’t anyone else, really, with whom I am willing to share what I went through. I guess that is part of the problem, too…ugh. I don’t know.