mynameismandab

During and after the war in Yugoslavia, many Bosnian refugees were placed in St. Louis, Missouri. As a future professional counselor, it is important to be able to attend to a variety of populations. I am learning Bosnian to help connect with my future clients in a more profound way.

Well I did everything I was supposed to do and was lucky to get a positive pregnancy test at 7 days past ovulation. The pregnancy only lasted a couple days, so here I am back at it. This time I’ve set my standards a little higher—Get pregnant and Stay pregnant, for at least a month. I will wait until my next missed period to test this time, even if I see good signs.

Oh, where to begin. It’s strange when you realize something profound about yourself. I feel like I Know myself pretty well, so it came as a shock the moment I realized that I don’t really think much of myself. I don’t have good standards for what I’m willing to put up with in my relationships with other people (except with romantic relationships, one of which forced me to realize my own self-loathing). I am afraid of conflict because conflict leads to disappointment which leads to scorn and rejection.

I always used to cover for my lack of self-worth with intellectual achievements and enthusiasm for the glorious future I knew I had waiting for me. But no matter what my accomplishments, I can’t stop to enjoy myself. Because the truth of the matter is that enjoying myself would require me to actually Enjoy and appreciate myself in the first place.

Now that I’m an advanced degree program surrounded by other people with my level of intellectual functioning, I can no longer use my intellect to deny my lack of self-worth. So now I have no insulation from my own harsh opinion of myself or the scrutiny of the world around me.

I want to wake up one day feeling and truly believing that I am decent, balanced, and respectable. I want to be decisive. I want to live in a world where I don’t constantly face self-doubt for every decision that I make. I want to live a life that is assured of its worth and value. I want to have such a thick, snug parka of genuine self-esteem so that I am able to face the criticisms of others without sacrificing the security I have in myself.