I just burst out sobbing at the finale of Will and Grace. Sobbing as in hot tears and stuttered breath and holding my head on my bed and squeezing my pillows as if they were my one connection to life. I haven’t cried like that for longer than I can remember. I haven’t let myself. I feel like the boy in Ordinary People, pushing all my emotions into a closet whose door I can no longer keep locked. My life is coming apart in its own trivial, petty ways. I want so much to be able to tell someone, but there’s no one I can trust but my mother, and telling her would only hurt her. I saw the therapist yesterday. She wasn’t much help, although it did feel good to tell her some things. I didn’t feel any connection and she didn’t offer me any solutions beside “focus on schoolwork” and—I can’t even remember what else she said, it was all so obvious and nonhelpful.
I really am depressed. It’s time to admit it. I need help.