myreal43

I just burst out sobbing at the finale of Will and Grace. Sobbing as in hot tears and stuttered breath and holding my head on my bed and squeezing my pillows as if they were my one connection to life. I haven’t cried like that for longer than I can remember. I haven’t let myself. I feel like the boy in Ordinary People, pushing all my emotions into a closet whose door I can no longer keep locked. My life is coming apart in its own trivial, petty ways. I want so much to be able to tell someone, but there’s no one I can trust but my mother, and telling her would only hurt her. I saw the therapist yesterday. She wasn’t much help, although it did feel good to tell her some things. I didn’t feel any connection and she didn’t offer me any solutions beside “focus on schoolwork” and—I can’t even remember what else she said, it was all so obvious and nonhelpful.

I really am depressed. It’s time to admit it. I need help.

Starting again, although it’s more of an ongoing battle than a start restart. I’m at just under 160 as usual. Generally when I start dietexercising, I get down to just under 150 and then move back up again. This time it’s actually easier though, so um, this time a charm? Haha

The appointment was all right. The therapist wasn’t amazing or anything. She did a lot of “aww” and “oh” and made sad faces, which were all annoying. But it was nice to have someone to talk to about things that I hide from the rest of the world. I have another appntmnt in 2 weeks.