naykid

Today I went to see a bankruptcy trustee, because that’s how screwed I am. I can’t claim student loans on that so will have to keep paying them; this is OK. I should pay for (at least part) of my education like everyone else.

I have thought about it a lot and am at peace with this decision. I am not really interested in investing in anything major in the next few years. I want to feel I have control over my real money that I work hard for. I want to save for what I really want, be able to carry an emergency fund, travel (spend) guilt-free, get an RRSP. Small things that are very important and will help me be happier.

It’s nothing to be ashamed about. Many people get themselves into far worse trouble than me. All I did was try to live a good life while I was a student. I sort of made mistakes, but didn’t really do anything ‘wrong’.

So, starting today I no longer am using my credit cards. It’s cash-only now, for as long as I can get away with it. Then a small credit card eventually again, which I pledge to be much more careful about, and NOT have the limit raised!!!!

Last semester I was working a lot and so I didn’t really have time to go shopping frivolously. I was too busy and got burnt out, but there was something really, really good about not spending that way, not shopping out of boredom.

The last few months I’ve had the ‘extra’ money from all that work (and spent it anyways) but I’ve been enjoying just looking. I barely even want to buy stuff anymore; in fact, even when I go out with that ‘aim’ it can depress me; walking away feels good.

I went to Seattle recently with a friend, and our purpose was to shop. So I found some good quality, practical things, which was fine and I was happy with them. But I really didn’t want to spend too much energy actually consuming. I spent lots of time looking, revelling, trying on weird coats, things like that, just for fun. But the fun part was just playing around, not the actual purchasing.

So now I window shop and it’s not depressing: there is something about wanting things you can’t have, and probably never will. There is always something you will want and can’t have, or won’t for a long time. But dreaming of things can be sort of fun too.

And there is something about really, really good about knowing which things you are willing to work for, to wait for -things that will really give you lasting pleasure (including amazing experiences) or that you will really use for months or years to come -instead of just slapping down the credit card and getting it ‘now’. It boils down to where, how, why you spend your energy, not your actual money.

I’m not about to get out of debt soon, and there are tough times ahead, but I’m learning to reframe my attitude towards ‘things’, little by little. A good quality life -happiness, love, the feeling of a good home, the person you want to be – all of that takes more time than that quick exchange that takes place over the counter during a cash transaction. And things don’t last.

I’ve never been particularly superficial, but I’ll always be a consumer, and I’m just paying more attention to purpose.

I don’t know, really. I do know that I’m re-evaluating what it means to be rejected: I don’t have to ‘be’ rejected, even if I ‘feel’ that way. Really, I choose to ‘feel’ that way, dwell on that feeling, and talk about it, send that energy out, then I become that, and people see that or sense it or something. But I’m not doing that anymore.

Corresponds to generally recognizing abundance rather than lack. Focus on what I have rather than don’t have.

One of my resolutions is to be more up front and honest about my feelings, and just in meeting men in general, with ‘rejection’ being written out of my vocabulary.

It no longer exists, because if someone doesn’t want to invest the energy in me, it leaves space for someone even better, or for me to do things that are better for myself.

Lately I’ve been reminded (a few times) that many men from my past still think of me in (mostly) a sexual way, and will probably not move (much) beyond that. I used to really get annoyed at this, and either angrily resent it, or else try to ‘make’ them see me, but now I just accept it, and enjoy the fact that they at least think I’m kinda sexy! (this is in a safe way as the people I’m thinking of are far away and I don’t see them or contact them often).

I need to accept that, while working at finding a man conscious enough to see be as beautiful both in and out of bed, for real, AND to want to be there for me, for real.

On the other hand, I need to enjoy myself, have a flirt or fling here and there with no drama – none of my OWN drama. Nevermind theirs, I can handle that, depending on the situation, but it’s my own I have to leave behind.

Never mind what other people think, maybe just recognizing what I need to do to love myself is all I can do. This is really the only way.