niffydee

I am being considered for 2010.
I can spend my next year in railroad cars and sleeping in public parks.

Some people may slag this off as superficial but as someone who has struggled with BDD, my appearance undermines any semblance of confidence I may have. I have struggled with ED in the past and have seemingly recovered (if recovery means put on weight and made a promise to my SO that I would keep on the straight and narrow) but I can never shake the psychological effects of the disorder. I don’t know how how it feels to not think about my weight every 5 minutes or to accept my body for what it is. And the thing is, I know how easy it is to lose weight-there’s no real challenge…except for the horrifying emotional effects. So, weight is my number one concern. I don’t know how much I weigh b.c. the beau and I don’t own a scale. I am thinking I am 135, though, which is terrifying for me. This time 2 years ago was when I was hospitalized and as much as nothing’s worth going back to that low point…I would die to be that thin and in control again. This time last year I was probably 125. But the differences between last year and this year are numerous. I am jobless, I graduated school in the Spring, I am now living 3,000 miles from home and from friends. I know no one and I struggle daily with my new culture. I have a new boyfriend (he’s amazing) and we are incredibly serious. I have no job prospects and have been rejected so many times just in the last couple of months I want to crawl into the deepest hole and never come out. Also, I cut all my hair off because it was damaged…big mistake. I have no piercings in my face and I hide my tattoos from everyone I meet because apparently here, tattoos communicate something entirely different and quite frankly I don’t have the confidence to feel that exposed.
My life is not my own, or so it feels.
It all makes sense why I would want my ED back…It’s all about security and control right? Intro to psych-the fundamentals of the human psyche or some shit. But given enough space, I would gladly and easily relapse because when you have an ED, it’s not hard—and that’s terrifying because it could cost me the one thing I seem to have going for me-the man I love.
Dammit.
Fuck. Shit.

I hope I can look back on this in a couple of months and think, “glad that is in the past”

I have submitted about 47 CVs, gone on a handful of interviews and still I have nothing. I know the recession is hitting a lot of folks pretty hard and it’s not easy to see why some people come out on top while other people struggle at the bottom but I have some semblance of faith left.
I have an interview this Thursday and beyond that, I don’t have any other options ahead of me.
I am hoping that this is fate intervening and telling me to stop working retail jobs—I have 2 degrees and 8 years experience in retail. Maybe life is trying to coax me away from my security blanket.
Either way, I am going to give this interview on Thursday my all.
And then start seeking out other routes.