nudge_the_curmudgeon

With Music, I missed probably…oh, most of the month of April. Which is quite shocking since I was so consistent up till’ April. I was never late and never absent. _{Okay, I was late once but that doesn’t count because I put down my stuff and went to the bathroom since I was early, and when I came back she marked me down as late. That was a fluke on her part for forgetting I just went to the bathroom.} BUT NOT THE POINT!
The point was was that I was an excellent student in Music and then I missed a class. Then another. Then another. Then another. Then spring break. Then another…
So now I have 3 more classes left till the final. Plus I have to do her journals. And plus I have to write a concert paper. I should also do extra credit to lift the grade a little.
With anthropology, I P/NC’d that class because I was never consistent with that class from the start. It was big and it was boring. I missed about 1/2 of that class. However, I took all the tests and passed. As well, like German, when I go, I participate. Well this is a recent phenomena. But he knows my face and that’s good. I can take it easy on this final-I’ll get a P.
With art history, I have two more classes and that’s it. Then the final, which will be epic. This final will make or break your grade. If you get a B on the final, you get a B in the class. I like that, he’s a straight forward professor. It’s a straight forward class. No hidden meanings. No trickery. It is what it is.
I withdrew from German. I thought it was an excellent call. I’m going to take it next semester, but for some reason I could never make it to class on time. Plus, I failed the last exam and I was in position of failing the course.
So here I am. I’m going to get a monthly or a 14 day unlimited metro so I could go to school as often as possible.
Huh. I never really focus myself as being a student.

I bring to you a step in the positive direction and a step in the negative.

Positive: I bought contacts. The price wasn’t positive; it was 255 dollars. I saved up for 1/2 of the price and the other was due to…well, out of my own pocket. I honestly don’t know how it would look on me; I might look better with glasses. But I’ve been wearing glasses for a very very long time and it would be nice to see something different.

Negative: I have bald spots. And I have to have my hair cut really really short. Did I mention the bald spots? It’s good because it’s a really rebellious look. However, will guys find me attractive? Will people find me approachable? And even though my hair will be short, will my hair grow to a good length? I’m so…nervous. And I need great clothes in order to pull this off. Awww man. I hope I could look damn good….

Well I won’t be able to dorm next semester. I put down $400 to dorm but I was chosen for verification and that screwed everything up. I’m pretty sure I’m not going to get the same amount of aid next semester and I was hoping to since I need all the money I could get to dorm. Well turns out that with all of this verification hullabaloo, all of the dorm rooms (double) are filled. Which is what I needed. Which is what I wanted.

I wanted to experience something different. That’s why I put down on the dorms. I thought it would be nice.

This is ridonculous. I know who I want. I know where I want to live. I know what I want. Argh.

I’m going late but I am seeing someone. She is very very understanding and patient.
I hung out with my friend last week Monday. And I went shopping with my sister on Saturday. And I went up to StonyBrook last weekend. And I went out of my house yesterday(Monday). Each activity was awesome. Plenty awesome.
Wow I came to a realization that the same reason I dislike FB is the same reason why I like this website(sort-of). I can post up on the internet what I’m doing with my life. The difference is is that I’m posting up mainly what I want to change in my life here for FB, where you just post up what you are doing.

Well I was able to buy 2 sweaters(thanks to my sister) that were not black and grey to add to my winter collection. The thing was was that all of my winter clothing is just…black. And grey. It’s a depressing sight. So I’m happy that I least have some color in my wardrobe even if it is just 2 sweaters.
In other news…
The weather is warming up which means no more heavy sweaters! No more layers! No more boots! No more hats! And more sunshine! It’s easy to look damn good in the summertime or springtime since usually clothing that is sold is light and bright. You also can see more of your body and you aren’t buried under 4 layers of clothes. So I went to Free People yesterday to buy some tops for the spring; I didn’t buy any but will go back either Thursday or another day. Man, the warm weather feeling isn’t like any other.
Oh, I bought lip balm and lip gloss last Monday as well as clear nail polish. You can never look damn good with chapped, cracked lips. The nail polish was unnecessary but I like how it makes my nails look. Makes it look pretty. I feel like such a girl.
This goal was particularly made for me to look damn good in the winter season but I’ll still continue it, yeah.

There is square dancing tomorrow. I was suppose to go last week but did not so instead I’m going this week. It’s being held by this church. I just really want to complete this goal. It’s been up here for the longest while.

I bought some undergarments yesterday. They look…no I look ab fab(absolutely fabulous) in them. I look real good.

I look Damn good.

And it’s amazing how a matter of changing undergarments can make a difference. I have been able to match some undergarments together based on colors and it looks nice. I want to buy some more on either Thursday or Friday or what have you.
I also walked around this mall in Long Island. Even though I am a New Yorker, I love malls. To me, it’s better than walking blocks and blocks to get to individual stores; all of these stores are crammed into one building. And I didn’t enter but some stores that interested me were Free People, Charlotte Russe, and Hot Topic(for T-shirts). I’m attracted to warm, bright colors. I’d like to discard the dark and enter the light.
That can be a motto: Discard the dark(clothes). Enter the light.

So ummm I withdrew from German but I’m still going to practice at my own pace.
Here are reflexive verbs at the top of my head. Some of them are wrong but:
putzen die Zahne-to brush one’s teeth
kammen die Haare-comb one’s hair
aufziehen-to take off
anziehen(I think)-to put on
schmecken-to put on makeup
duschen-to shower
waschen _-to wash [body part]
etc..
Need to double-check with textbook

Gonna ask my cousin to help me write a resume.
As well I’m gonna go to the library to borrow some books on resumes.
:)

Even if you don’t know me or don’t care to know me, I just want to do this:

I’m a home-body.
I don’t think college is all that (anymore).
I like being the center of attention.
I dislike Facebook.
I LOVE pudding.
If I could just go through life just wearing sneakers, jeans and a t-shirt to any and every place and event, I would.
I treat my real hair like it was fake.
I have a few close friends but I’m happy with that.
Things that smell good make me really happy. (i.e. flowers, fresh laundry, perfume etc.)
Warm and busted > cold but fashionable.

I always tussle within myself to conform to other people. However, with these truths, I am closer to just accepting myself as who I am.
:)

The month of March was interesting. I wanted to see someone (a therapist) for my MD and I am now being referred to this psychologist in my school. If all goes well, I hope to see her this Wednesday. I also hope that she will be very nice and responsive to my needs. I say this because so many therapists are so reserved and distant; I understand they have to because their job is to listen and analyze and not to become attached. However, it would be nice if they could show a little compassion. Sorry I digressed….I hope she is nice
And I went to a concert with a classmate. That was lovely.

My professor just e mailed me saying that I am failing German class.

You know, I tell people all the time, ever since I was in middle school, that I love the German language. I’ve always wanted to master it. However I don’t put in as much time as I should. I convey to others through my actions that I don’t care. But I do. And I want to show that I really do care. That I WILL speak German fluently.

I am down. Really down. But I am certainly not out. I never will be.

[I just gotta get my act together. :(]

I need help. I reached out for help and I can’t get it as fast as I had hoped.
I don’t want to meet 2 times a week taking the lirr. I don’t have money to pay for your institute or for the lirr. I don’t have a job. I hardly have any money to feed myself.

Do I have to face this alone? I thought I had options. Someone professional to reach out to.

Well I’ll just have to go to my school for help, I guess.

I’m pulling an overall 70 average. I gotta do better. Do better.

then I listened to the practice exercises at the goethe website. I was like Woah! I don’t know ish about German.

So…I’d like to seek some type of help.
I’d like to see a therapist or, better yet, a support group for women/girls who have been abused sexually.
Because I have a theory that my MD is stemming from my past.
I have this thing where I don’t go outside. I don’t trust people. I don’t like going outside. Just facing reality; I’d rather not do.
People are mean and they’ll hurt you.
I need to accept who I am and I am doing well, thank you but I need some sort of assistance. I don’t know whom to turn to or where to go or how to destroy these problems or where to start. There is a counseling center in my school but it is run by undergrad students like myself and I can’t go into detail with these issues. But I’ll still go since they can point me in the direction of someone.
...
My thing is is if I face everything/ if I dig up this past, will my MD go away? And if it does, will another form of it come up again? In other words, will another negative coping mechanism for life arise? And mainly, will I still be detached fro others? On the main problems I have is that I always keep a distance from everybody (family, friends, etc.). I’m a complete sociopath.
I don’t know what to say or do.

THEY WERE NO F*ING HELP!!!

I’m just happy I was able to go to them and was able to accomplish this.

I missed my German exam. The first German exam of the semester. As well I missed that Blackboard assgnmnt for music.

My other classes haven’t assigned anything yet.

I still look like I need to put in effort.

I bought new shoes/boots that I hardly wear.
The leggings I bought doesn’t fit.
Couldn’t get contacts.

Still look the same.
Gonna wear them boots more.

I went to Sears yesterday and looked in a long view mirror. I don’t know but I looked older than how I really am. I mean, I know I was just walking around but I wish my fabulous-ness would show. I want to dress just a little bit better. Not like a fashion model but at least I want to look like I put in a bit of effort when I got dressed this morning, even if it is the middle of winter.

Yeah, I want to look like I put in effort in how I dress.