obses2ionz

Yeah no. Not working. Tried and died.
I almost made it. Almost.
Problem is, I ALWAYS almost make it…. I always last until night time. Then, I just die and end up binging.
Sigh.
But no. Im gonna make myself a massive promise this time. This is for real. Either I make it this time or.. i dunno, I totally give up. I will totally throw my whole life down the drain. I am fucking serious this time.
So here is the plan: I am going to lose 4kg in the next two weeks. Im going to go back down to my usual 42kg. Its a promise. Its a bet. And it’s an ultimatum.

Tomorrow. It begins. Yes. I know, I’ve said this to myself for almost a month now. Every day of the passing month. It has been a “new beginning” tomorrow. But that tomorrow never happened. It will. Today’s tomorrow, will be that tomorrow. I swear by it. I will stop with all this nonsense binge eating. Excessive compulsive behaviour. It’s ruining my life and I can see it. I’ve watched as my life slipped through my very own fingers like sand. It’s beyond unbearable. I have to be strong. I AM strong. I know it. I can do it. I hope I can. I need to do this for myself. For my family too, who have lived with my sudden outburst and moody nature for the past few years.

A little bit of background on myself:
year 6: began self-esteem/ body image concerns
year 7-8: started my cycle of anorexia… got to the point where I was eating half a chocolate bar per day… integrated into this cycle were binging episodes when my body couldn’t take it anymore, I’d binge on whatever edible substance my hands could find, then return to not eating (also became a compulsive liar during this period)
year 9: changed schools… began to eat again. but turned into compulsive binging once again… didn’t do me much justice I must say. Was about 55kg.
year 10: regained control.. had the healthiest diet and exercise regularly. became really fit and healthy. was so proud of myself. Was about 45/46kg.
year 11: went to China at the start of the year and lost a bit of weight.. then continued to lose weight through healthy diet… halfway through the year though I began my bulemic episodes. purging after meals and using laxatives excessively. by the end of year 11 I was 42kg.
year12 (this year): I’ve started binging and purging and laxative abuse. It’s gotten way out of control. My health is deteriorating. In the past few weeks I’ve gained 3kg. And I hate my body right now. I’m 45 kg. I have all this excess fat hanging off that is a result of gaining so much weight in such a short amount of time. I hate it. I need to stop binging thus.

So there you have it. Please. help me. Anyone. At all. If you have the same problem as me. Help me. And hopefully i can help you too. I need it. I really do. Sigh. And so. Tomorrow. I will start over. Wish me luck. I will … post my results/ outcome.

Anna