omgmel

my therapist always tells me that i got screwed over in the family department. He tells me yeah, you didn’t have a family growing up and you don’t have one now. He explains that maybe I got jipped the first time around but I still can have the family I always wanted. We get a second chance for having a family… maybe not as the chid but this time as the mother.

I dropped my last class. I really wanted to take it but I’m so far behind. I guess next semester. Story of my life..I’ll do it tomorrow, next semester, next time, later later later.

One day, Bulimia stopped working. At on point, I went from 110 lbs to 78 lbs from throwing up everyday. my life revolved around my nightly binge and purge sessions… If I wasn’t thinking about food, I was buying it or eating it or throwing it up. I had no time for friends and in result I lost all of them. My grades suffered because I left school frequently to binge and purge. my life was falling apart but the way I knew I was completly out of control was when bulimia stopped working but I kept doing it anyway. I stopped losing weight and started to gain weight. No matter how much I restricted the pounds came flying back on. It stopped filling that void while i ate and giving me a “high” after i threw up. It became more like a chore I forced myself to do…no wonder since it took so much time and energy.
One day I realized I didn’t want to do this anymore. But the idea of stopping was overwhelming because I didn’t know who else I was but a bulimic. I didn’t, and am still trying to find out, what I like doing and what kind of people I want to be around. I felt like a shell of a human being without it.
Slowly but surely, the need to keep up a habit that wasn’t doing anything for me became less and less of a desire of mine.
I love being able to eat again. And I don’t know how I got here..I never thought I would be able to eat and not feel guilty and love my body with its flaws but it’s an amazing feeling to be here.
I have my moments when I think about bingeing and purging. Those moments usually are nights I feel sad and lonely…but I am able to recognize that my hunger is really just an inner loneliness that wants to be filled and food can’t do that.
Throwing up really seemed like the solution for awhile but it just created a world of problems for me: insecurities, warped perceptions of food, and health problems. Its ironic that after I stop purging, I have paid for all my years of abuse. My hair is now falling out, my body is weak and frail like an old lady, and my teeth look like hell. I get sick a lot and infections a lot because my immune system is pretty shitty.
All and all, even with those problems, it was totally worth it to stop flushing my life away with an eating disorder.