orchid264

This weekend I – once again – destroyed the progress I made during the last week. Last week I ate close to nothing and made lots and lots and lots of sport.
I find it hard to keep busy during the weekend and especially when my boyfriend and I hang out and enjoy our time together.. I don’t know. Whenever I’m together with him I feel like flying. I don’t care about anything else … He makes me feel pretty – like I don’t need to change anything about me at all. I just feel completely at ease and like to enjoy whatever life offers. And most of the time this involves eating as well. And as soon as I’ve tasted something out of the repertoire of my usual diet I seem to want more and more and more to the point where it’s just unhealthy but I can’t stop eating… Don’t know how to change that.

Friday morning I had 64.1 kg…

Hope next weeks gonna get better.
At least I’m busy during work.

BECAUSE ITS JUST THE CUTEST CAR EVER!!!

I know… This isn’t going to be the most reasonable post but what the heck:

I just absolutely heart this car!!!

<3 <3 <3

mini one 4ever! Lulz

I tend to break out really really badly when

a) had a really bad fight with my boyfriend and
b) I ate pretty poorly

And of both I should’ve been aware a long time before…

Actually I already was and the real revelation this time is that I can’t seem to fight any of it…

If anyone has an idea that could work for me please let me know…

This summer I will try to get a nice tan. I have my own balcony now (together with my bf) so I can go outside whenever I feel like it. Today I went for 30 minutes. At first it was strange because I felt like all the neighbours where watching… but then I thought “what the hell”...

I have to add that I don’t feel really comfortable wearing a bikini but since I want to work on my self-esteem too I might as well do that on a regular basis.

yesterday I had to come to the conclusion that what I want most isn’t necessarily the best for me. All week long I was waiting for a few moments alone. When I#m in no one’s sight not having to worry about appearance or anything like that. Just being comfy and happy…

Yesterday I had the entire evening to myself and well… Though I was hoping for an evening with noone there to judge my I found myself in a room with my biggest hater. Myself. I don’t know why it has to be like that. When I’m around other people I feel sorry for myself and try to calm me and tell myself everythings is going to get better, I’ll be stronger next time and things are sure going to change this time… But as soon as I’m alone and don’t have to put up the facade for anyone else or MYSELF I feel down and hopeless and so sad and I find myself looking into every mirror and hating myself even more and ultimately trying to destroy what I see which makes things even worse….

I really don’t know where to go from here. I’m a person who can’t be around crowds 24/7 and I need my space to breathe but lately in that time I make things worse and well although it helps me release some of the tension I feel it’s of course not the right outlet.

Have I mentioned how much I hate summer? I don’t know how I’m supposed to walk into the office with scars everywhere on my arms… I normaly try to wear long sleeves for as long as possible. But lately it’s getting unbearable. I’m starting to sweat even more and of course the amount of make up on my face to cover everything up isn’t making things any easier. I wish I was just normal…
I no normal don’t exist but still….

I HATE SUMMER! One day I’ll move to Alaska…I swear…

I’m totally ecstatic!!!
Was jogging with a colleague for 1h! It was so much fun. I have to say I really like her and enjoyed the conversation so I didn’t realize we were jogging for that long…

The weather was fantastic and i had an awesome day!
Don’t know if this will bring me any closer to my goal but it was definetly a step in the right direction!!!

Ok. I haven’t been working on this goal for the last few months. That doesn’t mean I haven’t been thinking ‘bout it. Thanks to that stupid reminder I’m pretty much reminded of failing this goal every day….

But tomorrow I’ll try to make fresh start.
I’m going jogging with a colleague from work and afterwards I will hopefully be too spend to eat too much…

We’ll see how it goes.

Bye for now.

I messed up to days ago because i couldn’t leave two tiny spots alone :/

Tomorrow I won’t touch my face (after i’ve put on my make up that is)

But although I wasN’t that successful I’m still just happy that it isn’t worse…

At least I’m going out again. Went to the movies yesterday and I have to say I earned a few weird looks in the ladies room but WHATEVER…

I couldn’t believe it. 2 days ago I had a tingling feeling and I took some dry skin off. It wasn’t exactly picking like I’m used to. It rather was me being scared it could be wrong to do it.
But underneath the skin had already healed. :))
I’m so happy that means I can go outside again and not walk around like the ” ring girl” at work with all my hair in front of my face as much as possible. I’m just so happy.

:))))

Now I have to learn to leave the small spots alone and do more sports to get ridd of any stress.

My face hasn’t healed noticably for now. This morning when I went into the bathroom I was rather shocked about how it was looking.

I have to admit I didn’t give it much room for healing yesterday. Kept my wound under a band aid so it couldn’t breathe at all…

My mother and my brother stopped by for a quick visit and again I was just so embarassed. I mean at least I had some makeup on and like I said the band aid but still…

It sucks to have to wear a MASK all day and not being able to take it down because you have to fear that someones coming by or whatever…

The last thing I do everyday is getting rid of my makeup and the lights have to be out at this point so noone gets to see me like this… until …
1st thing in the morning I rush to the bathroom and put my mask back on.

I hate it so much. But the thought of not having it at all is terrifying me even more…

I just deleted an entire entry about how my day went so far only by pushing the one key… waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah $$IU$”!

But to paraphrase it real quick:

Didn’t do further damage this morning due to – no not unbelievable self-control- but lack of time…

I’m on my lunch break right now and have avoided looking into any kinds of mirrors … Don’t know if I’d make it back to the office then..

I really just hope things get better this week. I just try to deal with problems right away and don’t let things get to me so much.

xxx

Hey I’m back again. Sorry but nothing’s changed. Things are momentarily at it’s worst. Don’t want to go into details because it’s far too depressing.

Of course there is nothing I can do about the scars that are already there (other then hiding…which proves to be hard enough…)
But I can to everything I can to stop making the same mistake over and over again.

Okay. That said I want to set off this week with a first goal:

I want to treat my body and my face like I would treat someone elses: With care and utmost respect.

That should be a pretty hard goal because I usually single myself out and think of myself as less valuable and deserving anyways… And my picking does not happen willingly… If I can put it like that. I usually stand in front of the mirror and say to myself: this time your stronger. You don’t have to do it. It’s all gonna be okay. Let your skin take care of it itself. It’s able to heal itself alot better if you just let it be… But still. Most of the time – Okay let’s be honest – Every time I fail. I don’t know why. It just so happens.

But this is in the past. No talking to myself… No trying. I will just go into the bathroom and try to imagine I were to do this to another person who would completely freak out if I did anything hurtfull…

Lets see how this works.

Like many others I’m a person who’s finding it hard to disappoint others. So when someone comes up to me to ask me for a favour I normally say “yes” without thinking twice about it. But there are the favours that are no problem and the ones I know the second I say yes in the back of my mind “I should’ve said no”...

Finding an excuse to get out of it after having already agreed to sth. is even harder. And when I happen to find one and tell the other person that it’s not going to happen after all I’m usually left with a guilte consciens rather than a feeling of relief.

The only way to stop this circle of bad feelings is to say no in the first place. To stop and think for a moment and ask myself how is this affecting me? And the be true to myself and the other person and just tell them the truth. Maybe one day not using some excuse like: sorry don’t have the time… Or : Sorry don’t feel too good today… but instead just saying out loud: I’m just dealing with some personal issues myself and have to concentrate on something thats very important to me and needs alot of attention. Ok maybe thats also too much… Some people manage to just say no without further ado… Why? They don’t feel like they have to justify for everything and anything…

Okay.. enough ranting for now…

What I wanted to post about was that I finally stood up for myself today. Maybe not in the fashion I described up there but far more important is the person I stood up to. My father.

With him I’ve always been even more careful. Never wanting to hurt or disappoint him I pretty much always did what he expected from me or measure up to his standards. And today I told him that I wouldn’t spend my sunday with him at my grandparents but would rather stay at home. I know… doesn’t sound like a big achievement but to me it is. My father has been living with us for 10 years now and I’ve not exactly seen or talked to him on a regular basis. So other than with my mother where I can just be and talk about whatever and am not afraid to say sth wrong with him its diffrent.

Anyways… what I just wanted to say is that today I said no. And that doesn’t mean I’m never going to say yes again or that I’m letting anyone down. I just said no to them and yes to myself and I’m trying to feel good about that and not worry.

:)

Oh man…. I got exams coming up or I could rather say I’m stuck in the middle right now… My skin is worse than ever. My days are spend sitting and learning and my fingers wander absentmindly in my face and I’m left to pick up the pieces later. I’m so sick of this. Why can’t I just be normal. At the moment I spend so much time worrying about my skin, my appearance that I’m constantly down and depressed. It’s just all adding up at the moment. The constant sitting and the lack of physical activity are adding to my body issues… I gained again and I’m just so sick of it all right now. How can I keep my fingers out of my face all the time. I should really try to start wearing gloves when at home. Maybe that’d be a start.

This week I only went jogging for 50 min once.

And I ate way too much.

Hopefully I havn’t put on any more weight.

My scales are already awaiting me… :(

Well. The weekend is right around the corner.
My wishes for this weekend are:

- Live every moment
- Be carefree no matter what
- Go out no matter what
- feel good about myself despite the obvious
- feel worthy of life
- respect myself
- be positive
- do something that brings me closer to achieving my goals

How much: 10 kg
Time: 2 months
Starting: today
how: eat less/healthier
do more sports

Current weight: 69,4 kg

So this is my goal. 10 kg in 2 months means 5 per month and a little bit more than 1 kg a week. This should be possible and is a lot more realistic than my last goals.

Well! Just did that. But today there were not really so many emails to be answered…

But still!

1)To be able to look into the mirror and feel good about myself
2) Get the door without makeup on at any time any day
3) To be able to look people into their eyes during conversations
4) To feel more self-conscious
5) Meet new people
6) Go out
7) Try out a new style (e.g. clothes, hair)
8) Not having to hide
9) No more wishing to be invisible
10) Be able to wear a pigtail again (not having to hide behind my bangs)
11) Not having to spend so much cash on makeup
12) Not having to worry about makeup stains on my boyfriends shirts when he comes up to me and holds me close. (that ones really awful. I mean there is really nothing greater than having someone who holds you and loves you and shows their affection but has to sense your rejection… I tend to get all stiff and try to keep my head away from his clothes. I can only imagine what he must think then. :(
How great it would be to not have to worry about that!

So today I was in class and suddenly I felt my skin tingling. Just a really light tickle… And I was like.. OMG I’ll totally get a zit there… And I had to really retain myself from touching it. So I was sitting there and suddenly the feeling went to another spot. I finally touched it with a light motion and had a tiny, lil fly on my finger. Strange huh? There I was seconds away fromhaving a major meltdown and then it turned out to be such a little fly.
I’ll try to be strong today. I find it especially hard in the evening or in the morning when I’m forced to face the mirror and I’ll just concentrate on getting my “beauty routine” done without any picking. Mostly I do it automatically so maybe just concentrating on cleansing my face and putting on makeup will do the trick. And over the day I should really try to not touch it at all.

Okay. That’s the plan!

So today I start Tuesday, July 1st, 2008