paisleypaige

Mister man is gone. Have no idea if he will come home tonight. I called, I left the voicemail, told him I am so sorry, I was just trying to be there. But I have realised I was trying to be there for me not for him; his grandmother died last night. They were extremely close and he grew up with her as his mother wasn’t much of a mum and his father was in the Navy, so he only got to spend time with his old man when he was home on leave, so granny was everything.

Since last night he has been like a ball of energy, he has found an endless amount of jobs around my flat that suddenly needs doing; by midday today, I felt exhausted, helpless as i wanted to ease his pain so badly and I just wanted him to stop and told him he needed to stop, just sit with me and he doesn’t have to talk if he doesn’t want to but just stop, only his response was to yell, yell about how annoying I am and a lot of other cruel things came tumbling out which made me feel like when I was 5 and the kids would just shove me around the playground. I burst into tears and he left.

I know that he’s just lashing out, know that he probably didn’t mean a single word but here I sit realising that my actions were dressed up as helping but really I just wanted to ease my own discomfort and I hope he does come home so I can tell him I am sorry, lesson learnt.

there is little time to read what’s in my collection as I am reading a lot more counselling books, some for like the third time but it is all part of the course.

The Psychodynamic Counselling Primer – Mavis Klein is really good. I think it is the best psychodynamic book that I have ever read, it makes all the theories so simple, it is easy to read and follow, going to explore the other theories through this series. Person-Centred Counselling in a nutshell – Roger Casemore I found poor and not very helpful in understanding this theory. Prozac Nation – Elizabeth Wurtzel is just a brilliantly written memoir on depression and her treatment for it during the 80’s. Lots of whining, black humour and a great insight into the helping profession treatment of depressives. Capable of Kissing Scars – Jacob Sam LaRose, this is a collection of poetry. This is just as good as his other collection Communion. My fav poem in this latest collection is called Pendulum, Say Something and Wolves, I just think those three are perfection, I think this will turn up in a few christmas stockings. Dreadful Acts – Philip Ardagh another childrens book and part of his Awful End series, I like this it is fun and aimed at boys and I handed it over to my 9 year old god-son who loves it! The Fight – Norman Mailer is a book i have wanted to read forever and did not realise I had it, don’t remember buying it, anyway it brought the world of boxing to me and reminded me a lot of my childhood, as I grow up in a family of boxing fans. The writing is insightful into the psychology of fighters and the people around them, I found it slightly jarring that Mailer refered to himself in the third person but it was fantastic at caputuring the times. His style, witty, caustic, judgemental and downright rude but fun to read.

I’m taking my freedom
pulling it off the shelf
putting it on my chain
wearing it round my neck
i’m taking my freedom
putting in my car
wherever I choose to go
it will take me far
cause i’m livin’ my life like it’s Golden (x2)
I’m taking my own freedom
putting it in my song
singing loud and strong
grooving all day long
I’m taking my freedom
putting it in my stroll
i’ll be high steppin’ ya’ll
letting the joy unfold
cause i’m livin’ my life like it’s Golden (x2)
i’m holding onto my freedom
can’t take it from me
i was born into it
it comes naturally
i’m strumming my own freedom playing the God (but i sing Goddess) in me
representing His glory
hope He’s proud of me (x2)
oh i’m living my life like it’s Golden x4