pandabearhappy

mommy chooses who i get to be. that person is a jcrew-AE-loving prep… not my favorite. she wants me to be successful, respected, normal… basically my mom wants me to be like my old friend; dedicated, successful and perfect.

fuck that i’m wayyyyyy far from perfect…

i think if i went to a different school i wouldnt be who i am, but the people at my school dress the same way my mom wants me to, and if i change that, not only will mum get mad but the people at my school will think i’m weirder than i was before…...

ah well just fml and i’ll get over it i guess…

never been asked out
never been kissed
never held hands
never been given a valentine
never been comforted
never been on a date
never been hugged
never felt loved

kinda sucks
i’ll be sixteen in one month and i have yet to feel appreciated
i know i’m not all that ugly
so its my personality right?
well whats wrong with me?!
i dont like being lonely

not having any real friends doesnt help either…
but now i just sound like a complete loser

which i probably am

my god i’ve fallen hard, but for someone who doesnt love me back. he’s my best friend, although i’m not his. he has been going out with one girl for almost a year, but she’s dumped him more times than both he and i can count on our fingers and toes combined. He’s so far in love with her that no matter how stupid her reason to break up with him, and no matter how much she hurts him, he always accepts her back.
when they first started going out, she hated me, his girlfriend i mean. she made him stop talking to me. he loved her so much he actually hated me because of her. the only thing that kept me fucking alive was knowing he was happy, even if it was without me. i gave up my want to be with him a long time ago, now i just want him to be happy.
his girl friend still hates me. she tells him things about me that are untrue, and she makes him break my heart. i trip and hurt myself to make him laugh, i pretend to walk into things to see him smile. i come home with bruises and bumps, and of course my parents dont notice. i’ve gotten good with makeup now… i’ve done the stupidest things just to know that i make him laugh. i leave him alone when his girlfriend tells me to, so that i know he’s happy. i give him a shoulder to cry on when she dumps him at least once every other week, then when i attempt suicide because of heartbreak i dont want to tell him. it would make him worry, and then he wouldnt be happy.
i couldnt do that to him
it breaks my heart to see him frown, if i cant spend my life with him and have us both be happy, then he should be happy, i dont care if i’m miserable
i want to see his smile when i die
i want to know that he’s happy. and i will do everything in my power to make sure he is. if i have to stand before him as he points a gun to my face i will stand there with a smile on my face because i’ll know that he finally acknowledged my presence.