pandorablue




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lose 25 pounds (read all 2 entries…)
Slowly but surely...

I recommitted to this goal six weeks ago. I’m down a total of 7 pounds so far- was down 8, but then we had that huge storm last Friday that knocked out our power for three days, and I ended up eating out every day because we had no choice! This weekend is going to be kind of off again, too, but on Tuesday I get paid and I’m stocking up on my foods and getting on my exercise bike- not going to give up! Still, 7 pounds isn’t too shabby, and I lost 7.5 inches along with those pounds, so I’ll take it!! I’m tracking my weight loss on one of our corkboards at work, too, so that clients are seeing that I’m doing it and really staying accountable.



grown my hair long
How long is considered "long?"

My hair is down to the middle of my back almost!



stop drinking (read all 6 entries…)
Thank you

Thank you for all of your kind comments. Reading about others’ struggles really helps. I went to my first AA meeting last night. While I wasn’t a huge fan of the group prayer at the end (born and raised Atheist), the rest of the meeting was wonderful and very inspiring. Since they knew I was a newcomer, they all shared their stories of what brought them to AA in the first place and what they remember from their first meetings. It was really great to hear that I’m truly not alone, and to know that I have support to reach out to, of people who have lived through what I’m living through now; I’ve felt so much lately that I have no one to talk to about any of this. I am definitely going back. Unfortunately, my work schedule will keep me from being able to go more than once a week or so, but the meeting was on a Friday night, and who isn’t tempted to drink on a Friday night? I feel like it will help give me the strength to make it through the weekends, and that in combination with therapy and meditation will help me to learn to be strong enough to rely on myself to get through this.



stop drinking (read all 6 entries…)
I feel like an awful person

I keep trying to stop and then, when I’ve been good for a couple of weeks, it’s like I have this thought of “I can get away with it,” or “I’ve earned a couple of drinks,” as if I can stop at just a couple. It’s been on and off for months. Things came to a head a few weeks ago with my husband, when he asked me what life do I really want- a life with him, or a life living like I did when I was in college? I want the life with him, and I don’t want to drink anymore. He went out to a poker game tonight, and I went and bought my wine. I had only had one glass when he got home. He walked in and I’m sure he saw the glass on the end table, and I for some reason went into the kitchen to hide the bottle. When I turned around, he was right there, naturally. I don’t know why I even tried to hide it- it was obvious. It was stupid. Now I’m trying to retrace my thoughts- why did I want it tonight, after three weeks where it’s been so tough between us, and finally the past couple of days we started to get back to normal- why did I do this when it was so easy to get caught, and didn’t give me any sort of pleasure or relief, anyway? Why would I sabotage the best thing in my life right now? And how do I even try to explain this to my husband, when all I can say is what I’ve said a thousand times before- that I’ll try harder, that I’ll do better- when I haven’t followed through on any of those promises in the past? How can I blame him for not trusting me? He has every right. And I don’t trust me. How do I shut up that little voice in my head that says “You can get away with it tonight, you can just have one or two glasses and then stop,” when I know damn well that voice is lying and that it’s not worth it- when logically I know that I can’t touch the stuff without losing control, without losing myself, and yet time after time after time, I ignore my logic and common sense and do it anyway?



stop drinking (read all 6 entries…)
2 Weeks and 1 day

So I’ve been going strong for two weeks now! I almost caved yesterday- got out of work at 1pm and it was a crazy busy day. Work is really stressful lately because my whole staff seems to be full of drama lately and I get to play mommy to them all- that was probably part of what had me drinking more than usual in December anyway. So I got out of work and had to go grocery shopping and I found myself in the wine section of the store. I actually stood there for ten minutes- I kept picking up a bottle, putting it in my cart, then putting it back on the shelf again. After ten minutes of this behavior, I realized quite suddenly how crazy I must have looked to anyone who was watching (not that anyone was watching, but you know). That flash of what I looked like to outside eyes was enough for me. So I put the wine back for the last time and went to the soda aisle and got more of my 0 calorie drinks. I went home and poured a glass of yummy oranges and creme sparkling water into my pretty wine glass and took my Christmas decorations down off my tree. I made a pillow for my best friend who I’ll be visiting in NYC next week- because my mom told me never to go to someone’s house empty handed. And I woke up this morning feeling refreshed; like I had finally gotten a good nights’ sleep, no nightmares or sleepwalking; and no hangover.
I never really got major hangovers- not like what they portray in the movies. Sometimes I would, but not the majority of the time. But I was always more tired after drinking the night before, always desperately needed that cup of coffee in the morning, always irritable for the first three hours of consciousness. Now I feel rested. I feel good.



stop drinking (read all 6 entries…)
2 weeks

Tomorrow it will be two weeks since I have had a drink. I haven’t really craved alcohol too much. The first week was hard on the nights when my husband went out, but this week has been much easier. He went out to a poker game last night and I didn’t even think about alcohol- just drank my tea and watched Dexter. The only real challenge of the week was on Tuesday, when I fell in my office and dislocated my knee (for the millionth time). When I got home that night, I definitely wanted a glass of wine.
I think my only issue right now is sleeping. I’ve been sleeping verry erratically lately, but I’m sure that will get better.



lose 25 pounds (read all 2 entries…)
Confidence

I’m lucky in many ways when it comes to my weight and my issues with my weight. First and foremost, my husband thinks I’m incredibly sexy and beautiful and didn’t even believe me when I told him how much weight I’ve gained since we met. Good man. Second, the weight I have gained since we met two and a half years ago (just over 30 pounds total when I got to my heaviest) I managed to gain very evenly, so I definitely do not look as heavy as I am. At least, not with clothes on. I’ve always had an hourglass figure. Well, it’s still shaped like an hourglass… just a size 12 instead of a size 6 hourglass! Thirdly, I work for a major weight loss company. So I should be able to lose weight. (Ha!) At least my job teaches me what I should be doing… and if I mention to our clients that I’m trying to lose weight, they’ll notice if I don’t, or if, god forbid, I gain weight!
Losing weight is not a New Year’s Resolution for me- I’ve been trying to get serious about it for months now- and quitting drinking is a major step because I’m pretty sure that helped me to gain the majority of this weight. It’s only been 9 days of not drinking so far, so no major weight drop yet (NEED to get rid of the Christmas chocolates!!!). As soon as I get my next paycheck I’m going to get a manual treadmill for our apartment that I can keep in the living room. I watch so much TV on Netflix, so I’m thinking I can kill two birds with one stone- work out to get thinner AND do something other than drink while I kill brain cells :)



stop drinking (read all 6 entries…)
New Year

Sorry I haven’t written. My computer decided to die on me so I’ve been waiting on a replacement since Christmas, and writing anything more than a couple of sentences on my droid is obnoxious.
It’s been 9 days now since I’ve had a drink. No major problems so far- the only days where I was really craving alcohol were Wednesday and Friday, when my husband was out playing poker and I was home alone. I could have gone out with friends, but I felt like going to a bar would be more temptation than being home alone. Only problem with being home alone is that the grocery store is right across the street from our place and takes three minutes to walk to, so that was a temptation. I did walk over there- and bought several different types of herbal tea and 0 calorie sparkling waters in fun flavors. So right now, on New Year’s Day, I’m sitting at my computer drinking orange-flavored sparkling water out of a wine glass and realizing that yesterday was the first New Year’s that I’ve been sober for since I was 18 years old. The majority of them, I barely remember.
Anyway. Feeling pretty good so far. A few cravings. The hardest thing right now is insomnia. I’ve been drinking sleepytime tea to help relax me to go to bed, and doing a lot more reading in bed, too, but I’ve always had sleep problems and I think that not drinking may be messing with them, or making me more aware of them because I’m not passing out drunk anymore. I have a plethora of sleep dysfunctions though, ever since I was a baby- sleepwalking, sleeptalking, night terrors, sleep paralysis, and good old fashioned nightmares. Hopefully my body readjusts, because I’ve also been extremely exhausted this past week, to the point where I’m taking naps pretty much every day when I get home. My husband likes that, though- he’s a big nap-taker and loves it when I nap with him.
I feel good about not drinking. The only issue I have is that I’m going to NYC in less than two weeks for a long weekend with my college roommates. I am going to drink a little bit while I’m there- sort of a last hurrah and reminiscing- but that’s going to make a perfect farewell to vino.
So Happy New Year, and here’s to 2012! Cheers (time to go make some tea)



stop drinking (read all 6 entries…)
Day one.

I’ve been drinking since I was eighteen (I’m 28 now) and I never really worried about the frequency or the quantity of my drinking until the past year and a half.
I think the reason for that was that no one cared whether I drank, how much I drank, or why I drank- and I’m quite sure that may have been a contributing factor to why I drank!
What has changed? My husband came into my life. We met 2 1/2 years ago and we were married this past February. I’ve tried to cut back on my drinking for him, but to be honest my attempts were halfhearted. I would do well for a while and then slide back into drinking excessively.
Now it’s gotten to the point where when I get drunk he’s so mad and he screams at me and storms out of the house. Part of me is angry at myself, but part of me is angry as hell at him. I’m going through a ton of stress at work right now- I know that’s an excuse but it’s also a fact- and I also happen to be the same woman he fell in love with and married. I actually drink a hell of a lot LESS now than I did when we met. I’ve come a long way. I can’t help but wonder what he thought of my drinking back then. So yeah, I’m kind of mad, too, and I think justifiably so.
But regardless, I need to just stop. I can’t keep fighting about it with him, I can’t stand it when he storms out like he did last night- I have some major abandonement issues- not to mention the weight I’ve put on. So day one. I don’t know if I will stop completely- I would like to be capable of controlling it and still having a drink or two occasionally, but for the next few weeks at least I need to stop. Definitely no more drinking at home.



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