Paper

one thing fixes and another thing falls apart. Just when I thought the migraines had gone something else drops off. In this case it’s a bit of a strange menstrual cycle, no I’m not pregnant! It’s probably hormones or getting older. Apparently things slow down and fall off in your thirties. I have operation number two soon to have Horace, my friendly but slightly annoying extra bone taken out. I have dreams of running for buses and kneeling to tie shoelaces to work towards… come on Horace, get a move on!

back and forwards in my vocation yet again of making art/ not making art. I’m nearly ready to install my current exhibition which is also my first solo show, a big kudos only two years after graduating. I’m grateful of course for this amazing opportunity, but I’m struggling with the ability to juggle having enough money to live on and building up a reputation as an artist. The latter being something that neither requires nor acquires such a luxury.

So I’ve decided to work full time for a while so I can save some money, learn how to drive and buy a winter coat. The job is covering maternity so at least there is the option to go back to part time working so I can make art again. Then this morning I read an article about decisions and about how any future decisions we have are a reflection and influence of past decisions. This isn’t a bad thing necessarily but if our decisions are dependant on how we’re feeling mentally, especially if the mood is a negative one, breaking the cycle can be difficult. I do feel that I have a constant battle between my need to make art, which in turn fuels my happiness and well being to that of earning a living so that I can afford the things that I want out of life.

On the other hand, my new job could be one that I would enjoy and working with and helping people gives me a happiness that I have never found before. The job I do now feels demoralising and unmotivating and I think I associate the new job with the neagativity I’ve found in my current one, partly because it’s within the same organisation. I worry that the transition to the new project won’t fulfill me in the way that I need.

The other problem I have is the studio debate. I need to store my sculptures and I wonder if I’m paying for storage, I may as well get a studio so that at least I can continue making art. Now that I will be going full time, I would be able to afford this, yet I won’t be able to afford the time to go to it. If I don’t get a studio, my approach to the importance of making work will become lazy and sporadic and I fear it will be harder to consistently make work. On the other hand, I want to spend a lot of time researching some new ideas, which will mainly involve reading, so perhaps not having a studio will work out okay. It’s such a vicious circle this whole art malarkey.

that making other people cart my sculptures around is probably not going to be the best way to move on as an artist, so I’ve decided that in January I will learn how to drive. I also went to stay in a wigwam in the country the other weekend and we had to lug our pillows and sleeping bags on the train and through town on a busy Saturday… not fun. My boy will never be able to drive because of his sight and I’d love for us to go on adventures in the countryside. I’ve told him he has to learn how to build us a house by the sea instead. A fair skill swap I’d say!