pask

F. and I had a coffee this morning. It was the fourth time we saw each other during the last five months. Each time has been very removing, each time very diferently. I’ve felt weird, I’ve felt very happy, I’ve felt deeply sad.

This time after half an hour of small talks I said “Well, I wanted to tell you stuff”. He said “Oh, serious stuff ? I would like to do so too, but I don’t dare to”.

So I told him, watching my coffe, that I had never regreted to have left him, but that, on the other hand, I had never stopped missing our friendship, and our complicity. And that I really really wanted not to loose this, now that I was beginning to regain it.

He said thank you, he said he agreed, he said I still was very pretty, he said our story had been so terribly removing. Then we talked about the old time, letting each other know how much it still was in our minds.

Then he left, saying again that all I had said was great.

Wow.

I had been waiting for this for the last three years, and we got to do it !

what I could say that you didn’t hear yet.

I woke at 4.50 that night, waited in my bed for a few minutes untill the 5. informations came out on the radio, and that was exactly the moment when the result was confirmed… So I was there, awake !!

Well, just… thank you all !

Yesterday I took the train to Le Havre, which is two ours away from Paris. After one hour, we stopped in Rouen, some people got off the train and I took their seat. A bit later, a man passed by and told me my wallet had fallen under my seat. The wallet happened not to be mine, but probably the one of the two people who had gotten off the train in Rouen.

I hesitated a little bit, and decided I would be more efficient than the train company to find the two people back. I found the professional card of a banker in the wallet, which I called to ask him if he knew the woman whose name was on the visa card… He said he was going to call her.

15 minutes later, the woman called me back, she hadn’t even had time to realize she had lost her wallet… I told her I was taking the train back to Paris the same evening, and we could meet on the platform in Rouen… And that’s what we did, exchanging the full wallet against a few chocolates she had bought (I’m glad she did it, and very happy she didn’t have the bad idea to give me money or something). I got back in the train and we left. A few minutes later (time for her to check if the two visa cards and the few 20 € bills were still into the wallet, I guess) she sent me an sms to thank me again.

the feeling was so great…

of the way everybody remains hidden behind their computer. It makes relationships less fluid, and it takes much more time to write an email and wait impatiently for an answer, than to make a phone call…

might be interested, and understand French, can have a look here

for two weeks. Can’t wait (actually, can’t sleep, for now).

one week ago from a 9 days retreat. I didn’t write anything about it earlier because I needed some time, but let’s try to…

It was, well, great. For many reasons. The people were great, it was very nice to talk with them, to exchange very freely about why we practised, what we felt, etc. I had never done that before, talk with the others about what we did together, and it was good to do so, and learn to know them better.

Relationships were very intense with some people, too, and that, too, was cool.

We had rules to follow, some of them seemed totally stupid or unfair to me. But it was interesting too, because it made me work on my relationship with autority, which is something important into my life. I understood that I can deal with a silly, or stupid, or even unfair, rule. What I cannot deal with, what makes me very angry, are illegitimate rules. I react very strongly to them. Well, I knew that yet, in fact. But yet, it’s always interesting to experiment.

And then, there was the meditation in itself. Zazen. Wow. I had surprises almost every day. Strong negative emotion, mostly anger, which I felt I crossed and got rid of. Projects popping everywhere and making me want to get up and run back home to live. Feeling of… erm, totality ? And joy, definitly joy.

Then I practise all this in a group of buddhist people. I’m really wondering whether I want to “become a buddhist” or not, but I believe I want to. It would be a long story to explain. But three people “took refuge”, and it’s definitly somthing that talks to me…

the time I did last year. But this time I’ve got a cardio-frequencemetre I know how to use, plus the special edition of Running magazine about “How to succeed your 20 km”. Yeah, let’s go !

it. I will take shiatsu lessons, starting in september. P gave us a lesson last week and I was totally seduced and convinced. This is what I want to do.

Plus, I tried it on H and his back stopped hurting. He couldn’t believe I had learnt what I did two days before. So, let’s go…

I’m able to do that. Actually, not sure I don’t like myself this way…

erm… believe I’m doing this.

definitly doing this. It actually is one of my main characteristics not to be able to do something when disagree with it. It sometimes brings me problems, but I’m proud to be like that.

Well, that’s it. It goes with joy : when I like something I get enthusiastic and I want to deepen it.

to F, on the phone, three times those last two weeks. I had to, for job reasons.

It was, well, cool. Nice and cool, and I guess we both felt like it had been two days, instead of two years and a half, since we had last talked. Then we exchanged a few e-mails, and agreed to say we were happy to have spoken to each other. And he said he would still like to drink something with me, if I felt it wouldn’t provoke a “relational tsunami”.

I’m feeling exactly like the door I have been trying to keep closed for two years has been opened, and I can’t help everything I had kept behind to come out. I can’t help but thinking about him.

I’m feeling lost.

39. Sailing. I went for a week of sailing, two weeks ago, more or less it was hazard for me to go there. And then I got slapped in the face. I like that so much. I like the physical part (the fact that efforts are intense but short, and that you can have so rest in the cockpit afterward), the intellectual part (you have to think about wind, about trajectory, it’s not only about physical effort) and, most of all, I like the human part. When you live on a boat with four more people for one week, human strong events have to happen. And they did. And it was great. :)

important things to do and to learn, there is.

Well, that’s it, I am, mostly, joyfull. I believe I used to be mostly, erm, sad would be too big a word, but something like that, with moments of joy. And now it’s exactly the contrary…

I used to try to control everything (which is also why I didn’t forget anything). That is to say, I often “forced” things. Decisions to make, things I absolutely had to do, stuff like that.

Now when I feel I can’t control something (because there are too many factors to take into account, because there are too many things I don’t and can’t know) I just let go and let the Universe decide. In particular, when there’s a decision to make that I’m just not ready to make, or that I can’t make because a choice is too hard, I just wait for the decision to be ready to be taken. And untill now it has always been working very, very well. The good decision has always been made, in its time.

I used to remember everything. Every thing that happened, every date, every thing I had ever lived.

And then a few months back people started to tell me about things we had lived together, and I just had no memory at all about what they were evoking. Game we played when we were young, guy I had seen during a few months two years ago, stuff like that. No memory at all.

I first thought I was getting old, losing neurons or something. But then I prefer to think that my mind is letting go. That I’m no longer keeping things there’s no need to keep. And I like that. I’m letting go.

I spoke with a friends a few weeks ago, she said that her friend usually ask her when they forget a detail about something they lived together. She said she was tired about remembering everything, from every point of vue ; she said she was tired to be a hard disk.

That’s it. I used to be a hard disk but now the hard disk sometimes erases stuff that are useless. Good !

A few months ago, A. reminded me that when we met, in 2003, I told her it was sometimes tough for me to feel my emotions, to know what I was feeling deep inside.

She confirmed me the evolution I was feeling… When I first left F., I really wasn’t feeling anything. I felt totally armoured, protected against what could come from outside, and could hurt me, since so many things had come from outside to hurt me.

The good thing in having been that armoured, in having gone so far in the process of closing myself, is that I could no longer ignore it and consider beeing armoured was a normal thing. It was very painful. So I started a long process in order to dissolve the armour. It took me a long time, was helped during the following months by F.’s insistence to “get in”, and my own desire, at that moment, to let him in.

And finally… I can feel them. I have learnt to feel, and learnt to listen. I have learnt that when you feel an emotion you have to feel it, to let it come. I cry very easilly, so easilly it’s sometimes obstruting… But I’m so happy each time it happens !

It’s a process, it’s not finished, but it’s sooooo good !