Stefanie Smith

I made this a “personal challenge”—apparently. I don’t remember what the consequences were supposed to be, and it doesn’t show up on the site because it must be expired. So, I just have to mark this one done or give up before I can set a new challenge, but I don’t want to give up. And I don’t want to claim I’ve done it until I have.

Anyway. I’ve come to realize that I really need to lose 100 lbs to be considered “healthy” or “normal” on the bmi scale. I know that bmi isn’t everything, and, in fact, it might not be anything at all. But I’m still using it as a guide, because what else is there? In terms of setting goals, I mean.

I’m tall, and my weight has fluctuated over the years within the 210-250 lbs range, but it’s hardly noticeable in my appearance and clothing. I’m lucky in the sense that the fat distributes evenly all over my body, but unlucky in that this means it comes off evenly from all over my body.

I lost 20 lbs last year in about two months, and I tried to feel good about it. But I barely looked any different. 20 lbs sounds significant, and it took a lot of will power to get through it, but the result was underwhelming.

So, seeing this, I lost my motivation and slowly slipped back into the bad habits that have kept me fat my whole life. I’ve gained every pound back. I don’t know what else to do but go back on the diet and exercise program that worked before and hope I can keep with it longer this time. Find a way to make it my normal life and not a “diet”.

I was able to stop for almost two months last summer. My vacation happened to coincide with a renewed desire to kick the habit, so I thought I had done just that: overcome a simple habit. But once school started up again, I was shocked at how quickly my nails disappeared. Since then I’ve noticed a clear pattern; whether I travel or stay home, whenever school is not in session, my nails grow unimpeded.

It’s possible that it is just a habit that I unconsciously associate with school related activities, and thus, during breaks, when I’m not doing those activities, I’m not biting my nails. But it’s equally likely that this is a symptom of stress—a nervous habit. Which I’d never considered before because I started when I was quite young and I did it all the time (until just recently), and I’ve never thought of myself as a stressed or nervous person.

So this raises the question, could I really have been so stressed my whole life and not realized it? And how can I remove the stress without removing the causes of it (ie: school)?

Perhaps I should accept nail biting as the price of striving for certain goals in life.