jane

and nothing seems to be working.

the trouble with being depressed is that what you need to feel better – like getting your ass out of bed and going to the gym and eating some healthy food and interacting with people more… you need to not be depressed to do all those things.

I am having the hardest time feeling any desire to keep trying. I know I should keep trying. i know that it makes sense to keep trying, because I’ll get more depressed the more I let my life go completely off the rails, but I feel like I just don’t want to do anything anymore. My body feels like it’s gone on strike. My brain is on strike, my heart and lungs are on strike.

I am so behind in school already. I have to take every free minute I have to try to catch up and all I want to do is watch tv and wait to feel better. which isn’t going to work.

part of this feeling is anger. at my mother for .. everything. and my brother for not giving enough of a shit about me to try to help me out with stupid little things. and at men, for collectively not being in love with me, and at myself, for having wasted my life, and at my dad for leaving me, and at Rob, and at god. I’m mad that no one is saving me. I’m mad that no one is rescuing me. I’m mad that it’s every man for himself around here. I’m mad that the world seems to be disintegrating around me. I’m mad that the apartment is a horrible mess and that I can’t stomach the idea of cleaning it, because it’s such an overwhelming task and 15 minutes wouldn’t even put a visible dent in any of it.

name the feelings, can you do something about it? if yes, do it. if no, accept it.

so, I should accept feeling this way? but it’s unacceptable! It’s unacceptable to feel this cut off from people and from my own will to do any goddamned thing. it’s unacceptable to be this immobilized. It’s unacceptable to fall apart again. I can’t afford to. I can’t. I can’t recover again. I can’t have to cobble my life back together AGAIN. I don’t want my life to disintegrate. I want to pull myself up by my bootstraps and not let everything go to hell.

I need to find a way to feel better.

I need to sleep. I’ll start over in the morning. If I finish by midday tomorrow I can still try to squeeze in paper 3….

Every time I think there’s just a little further to go, the end seems to drift out further.

I’m SURE I’ll finish tonight (I’ve been saying that for weeks… but this time I know it’s true). Still I don’t know how I can do this for 3 more papers before Thanksgiving break. I don’t know.

I wish there were such a thing as a paper-writing Rumplestiltskin.