jane

I’ll talk about it here.

First, AA and I are not really hitting off that well right now. I’ve got a lot on my plate with this new internship and I’m floundering emotionally. I’m having trouble connecting with people in AA. I want to connect. They are good people. But I am not connecting. This is in part because on many levels I really don’t see myself as an alcoholic. I’ve given it a lot of thought and fair consideration and the rest of it, and the only way that I can identify myself as an alcoholic is if I really stretch my definition of alcoholism into abstractions and conceptual and theoretical areas. I’m not, in point of fact, addicted to alcohol. I’m a problem drinker and have used alcohol unwisely to manage emotional issues and whatnot…

Whatever.

The point is I just can’t really buy in.

That said, I enjoy the opportunity to hang out with people who seem to be a lot like me in a lot of ways, who are trying to live their lives based on certain emotional principles etc.

I dunno.. it’s just kind of wearing off. The novelty of it or something. I’m just not that into it. And I guess I’m disaffected because I don’t think I’m making friends and that’s depressing.

So I got my 30-day chip last monday and then didn’t go to meeting since then and last night I decided it honestly didn’t matter. I was craving steak. I haven’t had any red meat in months so I went out and got myself a steak, brought it home, and opened up a bottle of red wine and watched several episodes of Dexter in a row. I didn’t feel particularly guilty because I just don’t feel like it’s all that big a deal.

I can’t tell whether I should feel bad now, or whether I should give up on this goal or start over. What is the POINT?

You know, moderation is the key, I think. Maybe being SOBER is being moderate, having a sober, clear-headed relationship with things and knowing when you’re no longer clear-headed—when you’re slipping into something unhealthy.

Last night didn’t feel unhealthy. It felt fine.

Okay. So I’m going to say last night was fine. I have maintained my abstinence from Sugar and Flour for the last 36 days. I have maintained near-perfect abstinence from coffee and dairy (had one espresso and one cappuccino in the last 36 days.

Overall I think I’m doing well and I am not interested in giving myself some kind of guilt trip over one evening with red wine. I am grateful for the perspective and awareness that makes me want to keep my drinking at close to zero – but perfect sobriety is just not realistic or desirable.

OKay. I’ve worked it out and I’m going to change this goal to 30 days and say I did it.

Today I really need to practice methodical next-right-thing-doing.

Tomorrow is my first day at my new job and I am anxious and overwhelmed. I feel like there are suddenly so many things to juggle. David suddenly has more work for me and I accepted it because I need the cash, and I haven’t told him that I got the P/T work at the corporate place, because I don’t need him having a meltdown on me about how I won’t be available. And I am 3 weeks behind on my school assignments.

• take photo w/ white background for work badge
• work on the PT class assignment
• find social security card
• iron a shirt for tomorrow – get clothes laid out
• pack a lunch

wow. THat’s all I can say.

WOW.

today I am so damn grateful!

My computer was infected with a bad virus and it’s still not clear that I can recover the sucker, but I am grateful because as I was changing all the passwords on my financial accounts (using the laptop) I found out I had a bill DUE TODAY that had not been paid automatically by my bank (which I thought I’d set up to auto-pay this account).

For some reason I guess I must’ve cancelled that monthly autopay and as I was changing passwords I saw this minimum payment due and I immediately paid it. THen I saw the fine print (if you posted this payment before 3pm it’ll be dated today, if after 3pm, it’ll be marked tomorrow) OH CRAP, I thought, and looked at the clock.

It was 2:59PM and I called cust. service and they said, yes, we see you made your payment today. It’s all good.

This happens to be the card that I consolidated ALL my other balances onto this past month, and if I had missed today’s deadline, the interest would have SKYROCKETED on my ENTIRE CREDIT CARD BALANCE of $10K.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

if I hadn’t gotten the terrible trojan virus on the other computer I never woudl have foudn out that i had an unpaid bill today.

There is a god and he is helping me with my life. YAY! Thank you god!

Also grateful just in general, to be alive, to have gotten to run in a rain downpour today (FUN!) and to feel alive and present in my life. Grateful to have been able to take action and get myself out of my sad mood yesterday.

Just grateful for every single bit of my life right now, because my hope outweighs my fear by an order of magnitude these days, and THAT is a miracle.