pineappleyo

The last time I wrote about him was in December… only 2 months ago. It seems like so much longer. In that time I realized I was in denial. I thought somehow we would start talking again and he’d fall in love with me. I realized it was just a fantasy. Then I thought I’m not in denial anymore, I’m on the way to getting over him. Wrong.

I started the new semester of college this week. He goes to the same college so I was extremely anxious. My heart was racing and it was hard to breathe. I didn’t even know if I could go. Just the thought of running into him, I felt like I would just die. But I went. I didn’t see him, thank god. But I still have to walk around campus afraid that he’ll pop up out of no where at any moment.

Anyway back to what I was saying. Before the semester started I thought it didn’t matter if I saw him and I don’t care and all that. But I do. I still love him. I still have the pain in my heart and I randomly cry thoughout the day. Ok, I guess I started having that fantasy again. The one where we would run into each other and start talking and he’d see how i’ve changed. I didn’t even realize I started thinking like that again.

I guess I just can’t take it. It hit me one moment, what if I never talk to him again? He deleted me from his myspace, why would he want to talk to me again? He’s moved on, he has a new girl (not sure if she’s his girlfriend) and he’s always flirting with several girls. I’m just another girl to him. I’m nothing special. But to me, he is special. I just felt a connection with him that i’ve never felt with anyone else. Not just as a lover, but as another human being. We had deep conversations and he understood everything, we agreed on a lot of issues. I thought he felt the same connection. I don’t understand how he couldn’t feel it. I don’t think I’ll ever feel the same way about someone else. I just can’t accept that he’s gone. I feel so lonely without him.

Well it’s not just him that bothers me. I’m depressed right now and I was when I was with him and before I was with him. I don’t really have friends, just a few acquaintances. That makes it so much harder. I was depressed before I went out with him and he made me feel better. I was happy with him. Now it’s even worse than before. I am extremely lonely, he was the only person that I felt cared about me. And that’s not why I love him. I could find someone else that will be there for me, but it’s not the same.

It’s 3 in the morning and I can’t sleep. I miss him. And I might bump into him at school tomorrow, but what can I do. I’m going to try to sleep now.

Right now I don’t have time to explain my whole situation so I’ll just mention the important stuff. He dumped me because he didn’t want a relationship, but I know he just didn’t like me anymore. We fought after we broke up, I was still hurt and wanted answers. I realized he wouldn’t talk to me if I kept asking him about our relationship. So I stopped bitching at him and he started talking to me again. He called me at least once a week and he said he wanted to see me. I saw him and we even kissed. I knew I was letting him walk all over me just because I loved him. So I told him it was hard to talk to him and we stopped talking after that.

That was about a month ago and I thought I was making progress until last week. I saw his myspace and he already has a new girl. There’s pictures of her in his bed and him kissing her on the cheek. That just broke my heart all over again. Plus the girl is really pretty and she goes to the same college as I do. That’s just great. I can’t help but feel she is better than me. I’ve been depressed over the course of our relationship and it was hard for me. Now he’s gotten rid of the lonely, depressed girl and moved on to something better.

I know I still love my ex, but I thought about it and I don’t think we’re right for each other. I don’t want to be with him, yet my heart still aches every day. I think I’m hurt because he doesn’t like me. One night after we broke up, he said he doesn’t like me, he doesn’t like my personality, and I’m a bitch. Mind you, after he said all that we started talking again and that’s when he kissed me. Anyway I keep telling myself he doesn’t really know me so of course he won’t like me. And he really doesn’t know me, but he’s very arrogant so he thinks he does and he thinks he has me figured out. He really doesn’t and that annoys me. I want to tell him off but he won’t listen and I’ll just look like a fool. What kills me the most is that he never really loved me, but I loved him. I didn’t mean anything to him, but he meant everything to me. And now he’s found someone better than me. I just can’t get over this.

I’m just rambling on. I just needed to get that out there. I’ll write some more later after I reflect on this.