I need to make doctor appointments for every doctor I see. Everything is due. Teeth, brain, vagina, everything.
I need to make doctor appointments for every doctor I see. Everything is due. Teeth, brain, vagina, everything.
I had a photoshoot recently. I’ve started modeling again because I need the money. I got the pictures back today. I don’t look bad, but I can see the difference between the edited and non-edited pictures. About 3 or 4 inches of difference. The photog slimmed my thighs and belly, but not my boobs. Of course. He also smoothed out my cellulite, which wasn’t that bad to begin with, but the difference between there and not there is pretty dramatic when you aren’t used to seeing a perfectly smooth buttock. I haven’t seen my own buttocks as perfectly smooth since I was 14 and only weighed 98 pounds though, so I don’t attribute my collection of dimples to fat… just genes. But no matter what a photographer isn’t going to like it.
So I need to go back to the gym. I had been working out every day. Every single day, for a couple of hours, sometimes 3 or 4 hours. I went on a diet. Nothing seemed to be working. My birth control and my anti-depressants were keeping me from losing weight I think. So I stopped taking the birth control. I can’t stop taking the anti-depressants though. I think I’m just going to have to work harder than most people to keep off the fat. Its like my body wants to get rid of the nutrients and hold on to the bad stuff. So I’m going to do another detox, and start dieting again, and then exercise again.
I had stopped exercising because of my back… but at this point I think I’m just going to have to bear the pain. I can’t pay my bills if I’m not within the standards of “beauty” that have been laid down by the modeling community. I don’t like it, but a job is a job. I get paid more doing this than I would doing anything else, and I make my own hours and I’m my own boss. I prefer freelance work to anything else. So if I’m going to live this life, then I have to make it work for me.
Also I want to look nice for the Navy Ball coming up next month.
Still going strong believe it or not!!! Even on days when I haven’t gone the gym I’ve done some sort of activity to get my heart rate up. Sooo I’m considering that progress. Its not exactly where I want to be yet, but its better than before.
I tried the new elliptical machines. WOW!!! If you’ve never used an elliptical machine try one ASAP! You get SUCH a wonderful total body workout, but you don’t feel how hard you’ve worked until you step off it. At first it feels like you’re not doing anything. It feels amazing. If you aren’t a fan of running an elliptical machine is great because it takes all the pounding and panting out of running. No harm to your joints, just smooth gliding. Like jogging on a cloud. I love it!!
The other day my friend remarked to me that I look thinner, and she said “your butt looks about 7 inches higher” its not literally seven inches higher, but it is higher. It bounces in a sexy Beyonce sort of way. Its tight like a balloon. Almost all my stretchmarks are gone and my cellulite (though it still exists) is MUUUUUCH less noticeable. My tummy looks better too, but that’s also because I’ve been drinking more water. I’ve been eating healthier foods so that helps too.
I’m loving my new body!!!
had an amazing workout yesterday. checked out the new gym since its been renovated. they added better flooring and painted, rearranged the equipment, and brought in two more treadmills and two elliptical machines. i’m going to try the new machines today. yesterday i stuck to the older ones since they new ones were being used. i’m excited about the elliptical. i’ve never used one before! after my workout yesterday i relaxed in the pool and swam some laps, then i danced a lot around the apartment. i had a great time. now i’m super sore but that’s okay. i noticed today that my waistline looks a little thinner. so i’m proud of that. yaaaay!
i still can’t say i’ve been exercising daily, but i am exercising more often. right now what my exercises have been are a mix of activities that are difficult for my body that raise my heart rate, but nothing like a routine. i can’t always go to the gym so i’ve been trying to find ways to exercise without doing a traditional exercise. like on my vacation i stayed in the ocean a lot and ran on the sand, swam in the ocean (haaaaard), and just played in the waves. walking in the waves against the current is a surprisingly good workout for the legs, but it doesn’t feel like work because its fun! also i swam laps in a regular pool. i’ve been walking a lot too so that counts. now that i’m home i’m going to go back to the gym, since they are finally done remodeling it, and swimming laps in the pool. also i’m going to try bellydancing and some exotic dance workouts soon. i’m planning to order some dvds from amazon. i haven’t done my yoga or pilates lately. i’ve been burned out, but i think i may start again soon. i just love being outside so much i don’t really want to do indoor exercises right now. its too pretty outside not to take advantage of.
- not been paying much attention to my needs lately. i got a book to help me learn how to give myself the attention i deserve and pursue only the things that make me happy, instead of settling for less all the time.
- dyed my hair super super red. got TONS of compliments. unfortunately while on vacation it got messed up due to the fact that chlorinated pool water go under my bathing cap while swimming. now it looks hideous. got to get some more dye and a new bathing cap.
- got a little tan for my vacation so that i wouldn’t burn while on the beach. i still burned big time. my skin is nearly as red as my hair… but i was smart and rubbed gobs and gobs of cocoa butter and vitamin e oil all over myself. so my skin is smooth at least.
- been taking care of my stretch marks and cellulite. now you can’t tell they exist unless you really look.
- been swimming and exercising
- slowly getting over my fear of dentistry
- been giving myself at home spa treatments. my skin is looking fab. the sunburn i got on my nose actually got rid of the blackheads i had since the skin on my nose peeled off.
- beach sand plus baby oil equals beast exfoliating treatment over. my feet are softer than baby’s feet right now. no lie.
- weekly mani-pedis. at home saves money.
- got an ulta membership. i only shop there when i get a coupon though, and mostly stick to the clearance items. i still feel like i’ve been spoiled without killing the bank account.
- hubby put my prescriptions on auto-refill. so i never forgot my scripts since the pharmacy calls me the moment they are ready.
- had an uncomfortable but necessary talk with the doc.
- weaning myself off ambien. i hate it. right now my sleep schedule is all sorts of fucked up though.
- got a tattoo. loving it.
- Been highlighting my hair differently. Getting lots of compliments and stuff which is nice. Bought some new shampoos and conditioners so hopefully I can grow my hair out long and keep it looking nice. I need to go for a bang trim and have my split ends cut though.
- Been doing my new face cleansing routine. My skin looks amazing now.
- I’ve been dieting and exercising. Sometimes falling off the wagon but still doing pretty good considering how inconsistent I have been with these things in the past. I’m hoping that it being bikini season now (in Florida anyway) will motivate me even more. I’m seeing a major change in my butt and thighs but unfortunately not my abs… which is where I want improvement the most…
- I had my fillings done finally. It was awful. Now I need to make an appt for crowns which I am dreading. So yeah.
- Still need to make a gyno appt… no fun.
Yesterday I went to the gym at my apartment and apparently they are remodeling it and decided that they didn’t need to tell the residents about it. So thanks for that. The only machine that people could use was the treadmill, so I did that as long as I could stand the workmen leering at me, and then left.
Today I did the treadmill again, and the other machines are usable now so I did arm exercises and leg exercises. Unfortunately just when I was about to finish up my arm exercises a girl came in and took the bike I use. There’s another bike but I’m too short for it, even on the lowest adjustment… so I just decided to skip the bike for today.
I already feel stronger, which is nice. I’m sleeping a lot better, which is totally great. I’m drinking more water too since that’s what I drink during my workouts and after…. so there’s that… so yeah. Exercising is good. Yay me.
Been cooking a lot more. Been making a lot more healthy foods and a lot tastier ones too. I made some potato soup recently that was like, mouth orgasm good. And I’ve been making yummy warm fruit stuff to go on top of waffles too…. yummmmmm!!! I love food!!
I am SO out of shape.
I went to the store with my friend and I bought a bunch of groceries, and we had to carry them up to my third floor apartment. It kicked my butt. Normally my husband carries in the groceries, but when I had to do it…omg… I have a new respect for him. I have no upper body strength. I did 10 pound bicep curls today at the gym and it killed me. I’m doing more arm exercises now so hopefully I’ll be able to lift more.
Also today I walked on a 5.0 incline for 15 minutes making my pace faster and faster every so often. I’m going to increase it to walking for 15 and jogging for 15 eventually but I can’t run yet. After that I did 2 miles on a stationary bike. Unfortunately I only burned like 58 calories. That sucks. I was sweating a lot and breathing hard when I was done, which is good… but I feel bad because I’m only 23 and I weigh 127 pounds but for some reason I am in terrible shape. What’s up with that?
So I’m a bridesmaid in my friend’s wedding. Lots of people I used to know are going to be there, and I haven’t seen most of them in years. I want to look my best, so I’m dieting and trying to revamp my look. Her shower is on the 27th. I really hope that I can look good for it. I’ve got to find a nice black dress to wear…
I made a lasagna last night that would make you slap your mother. Seriously. It was that good!
So I am sick of the way I look and feel. Though everyone insists I look great and everything I am just bored with myself. So I am taking some steps.
- Rethinking my face cleansing routine. I purchased some new products to help me with that.
- Cut my hair. Or really just my bangs. I need to go to a salon to have it re-layered and my split ends trimmed off. I am planning to grow it loooong again, and in order to do that and keep it looking healthy and stylish instead of frumpy and tired I need to go and have the split ends trimmed at least every month. I also highlighted it. Then dyed the roots again. I’m going to re-highlight it again in about a week or so.
- Dieting. I have had a sparkpeople account for about forever and I finally started using it. I made myself a diet plan and so far its been easy to stick to. I feel full, the food is yummy and its stuff I normally eat. Its just that cutting out sweets and stuff is annoying, and drinking just about nothing but water is annoying too. I like drinking water, but in order to drink enough water to reach my goal means I have no time to drink anything else.
- New makeup, nail polish, and hair stuff. That just makes me feel slightly better about myself when I have new things. I like to change up my look when I feel like I have no control.
- Exercise. Going to start exercising again on Monday. I bought a hula hoop and I dug my yoga mats out of the spare bedroom and I have my exercise ball. Now I just need to get motivated. I think Monday will be a good time to start back again because there won’t be anyone home to distract me. I’m also looking at buying some new yoga and pilates dvds. I’m also looking into ballet-style exercises which seem fun.
- Dr. visits. Made appt with psychiatrist. Need to make appt with psychologist. Need to make dentist appt soon for a cleaning and whitening, and then discuss fillings and crowns. Also need to make a gyno appt.
43. Wear lingerie more often
44. Try to cut down on starting fights in the middle of the night
45. Spontaneous BJ’s
46. Keep the apartment looking nice
47. Unpack those damn boxes in the spare bedroom so he’ll have more room in there
I think I’ve just about got this covered. I read a book about writing not long ago and it basically said that in order to write well you have silence the voices of dissent in your head that tell you “you can’t write that” or “don’t say that” etc. It pretty much says to write as if you’ve got no family to embarrass. I’ve been trying to live my life as if I’ve got no family to embarrass. If they are embarrassed by me then they don’t love me the way a family should. So, I’m not going to worry about it. Life is too short to live it catering to other people.
I haven’t been working out really but I have been more active, which is a start. I am also kinda sorta trying to diet. Once Lent starts I’ll really be able to lose some weight.
35. Appreciate all the things he does for me
36. Not be so defensive
37. Let Stephen have more “Stephen time”
38. Brag more and complain less
39. Help out more financially
40. Keep finding ways to help us save money
41. More home cooked meals!