pinkcupcake24

I’ve been thinking of quitting ever since I started… and I finally decided to last week. I got a box of Commit lozenges for Christmas and I’m finally using them. What was important was that I wanted to quit!! I’m not quitting for someone else or just because I know I should. It was making me feel sick and I hated planning every day around when I could smoke. I’ve had a few urges, but I’m taking it one day at a time, one moment at a time, and the Commit lozenges definitely help!! I hope I don’t get addicted to them instead… but at least my lungs will be healthy…? haha

I was doing pretty well with this for a while… until 2 weeks ago after my boyfriend broke up with me, for no concrete reason. “It’s just not what I want.”

What a lesson of acceptance… I’m grateful (now) that it happened because it really made me look at myself and my spiritual condition. I need to keep God in charge. If I start to think I know what’s best for me or that I know what God’s plan is… I’m totally screwed. It’s a relief today that I can let go and let God do the planning for me, as difficult as it can be.

I have a little over 8 months sober now, after a slip in February. After that, I dove into the program with as much willingness and honesty as I could pray for. The steps are amazing! Although I sometimes wish I didn’t slack so much on them. However, I am proud of my progress, and I’ll be starting 9th step next week… It hasn’t been an easy road, but it’s definitely been worth it. It’s true what they say, my worst day sober is better than my best day drunk. Never thought I’d get to that mindset haha..

“Keep coming back, it works if you work, so work it, you’re worth it, and live!”

I have 90 days sober today!! I feel accomplished, but I also know it’s just the beginning. I see the benefits of living a sober life, and I look forward to my future, for once! I do still struggle sometimes, like last night I went to a birthday party at a restaurant and some people brought wine. It’s crazy how I still have the instinct to have a glass… I see how I have to keep sobriety my #1 priority at all times. But I know I can do it, one day at a time :)

Today is 85 days sober :) And recently, I started to see why I drank. I’m so uncomfortable with myself! Being sober, I’m learning more about myself in a month than I have in the past 2 years. It’s really difficult for me to accept myself, and drinking let me not care about anything, especially myself.

It’s scary to see how quickly a fun time can turn into such a train wreck. However, train wrecks can eventually get cleaned up. With some work and lots of hope and support, it’s been possible for me to stay sober and move forward. I ALMOST HAVE 90 DAYS! That’s amazing to me :)

This weekend looked like it would be a struggle… If I didn’t choose to be sober at this point in my ‘alcoholic timeline,’ I’d probably be blacked out by now getting into who knows what kind of drama. There’s a 3-day party held by an organization I was a part of and I went every semester since fall 05. It’s this weekend and started last night.

So how do I get through this? I hang out with sober people. I pray. I spend time with my family. I study. I go on sites like this and talk about it! I know I’m not alone and I know I will get through this. No amount of alcohol could make me as happy as I want to ultimately be. I hear people say sometimes, sobriety gave them what they wanted alcohol or drugs to give them. I like that, it gives me hope.

I have to constantly remind myself why I’m sober today. Sometimes the thought of a drink pops in my head, and I have to “play the tape to the end.” Drinking will ultimately lead me back to misery, it doesn’t end with good times at the bar with friends.

I just started this weekend… and I’m already feeling like crap haha. But I have hope that it’ll get done and it’ll be worth it.

When I start living in the future, it can get so overwhelming.. but if I take a minute and focus on what I can do TODAY, and just today, things start to seem more manageable.

Someone once asked me if I know what I’m wearing tomorrow, and the answer is no. So, why do I worry about anything else, then? figure out what I’m doing today, and the rest will fall into place.

To me, being grateful is crucial for me to live a good life. I’ve learned that it’s hard to be grateful and angry or upset at the same time… Yes, life can be hard sometimes and bad things happen, but I can always be grateful for what I DO have. Today, instead of being angry that I have a problem, I can be grateful that I’m getting help and doing what I can about it and that there’s hope that I’ll be ok one day.

I wanted a drink today, I wanted to feel numb again and I hate that i feel that way at times. it wouldn’t be worth it because tomorrow i still have the same issues to deal with. and even though i do have stuff to deal with, life is definitely better now than it was last year. I just have to keep telling myself that a drink will not make it any better, even if my head likes to tell me so.

to be proud of myself was my new years resolution last year… And it took all year, but I’m finally getting there. There’s still a lot I’d like to do, but one day at a time. Being sober for about 9 weeks is definitely something for me to be proud of today.

I can’t believe I’ve come this far… I’m learning to thank God for my progress. I also need to keep reminding myself that, while it IS up to ME to be doing the work, I’m NEVER alone in my struggles. I did my assignment a while ago. I’m starting to feel ready for step 2. There are a few more things I know I gotta master… but as far as accepting that I’m powerless and that my life was unmanageable, I think I got that down.

While this pertains to me being an alcoholic… It’s been helping me in every area of life so far, even in my one month of sobriety.

For me, being honest has been so empowering. Sharing my honesty with someone else helps me, too. As long as they share my problem or are unbiased. I’m finding that it’s NOT a weakness to admit and accept my weaknesses. What a revelation! =/ Admitting our problems is a very hard thing to do, and then accepting them makes us stronger. Very interesting to think about.

Right now, it’s a daily struggle. But it doesn’t have to be… I’m holding onto that hope. If today I’m as honest as I can be, then it’s a good day. I try to keep that mindset.

I saw my sponsor today and did book work for the first time and read the prefaces. She gave me assignments for the week, which will show me how my powerlessness has left life very unmanageable for me. She said to ask my Higher Power (God, for me) for willingness everyday, even if I feel willing.

I got a sponsor this week, after a month of sobriety and going to a meeting at least every other day. I’m working on my first step with her now. I’ve seen how the steps work for others, and I’m excited to start them! But I need to not get ahead of myself and take it slow. As I heard the other night, there’s no time-table for recovery. I’m still dealing with powerlessness and acceptance, after all…

Also something I heard this week that’s been on my mind: “Expectations are future resentments.”

I’m trying to accept that I have a problem with alcohol and the more I do, the easier it gets to not drink. When I can keep it in my head that a drink may lead to bad things, there’s a better chance of me not picking it up. What I tell myself to rationalize it is, “been there done that.” I KNOW what alcohol can do to me. Sometimes it’s good and sometimes it’s bad, REALLY bad. So why mess around with it and take the chance?

It’s just time for a change. And what’s so bad about being sober today? Maybe tomorrow I’ll drink… but today, I won’t. =)

The only hard part about attempting this is… sometimes I really can’t do anything! When I’m stuck at home, thinking all night… That is no time to be doing anything I want to be doing. But I suppose doing things like reading or even watching a movie would be better than dwelling on thoughts that either get me nowhere or further back in my progresses.

is the best policy. It was really hard for me to be honest with myself. I was too stubborn to admit any of my problems. I had to take off all the masks I refused to admit I even wore… and there I was. I’m still me underneath, a happy person waiting to be freed. Rather than focusing on my depression, I started to focus on what’s REALLY going on. After that, it was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders! Of course, it’s a daily struggle, but simply being honest is an accomplishment for me every day.

This is the way I’ve stayed sober for 42 days so far… When I put off drinking, just for today, that’s one more day I have sober. I could always choose to drink tomorrow. Putting a bunch of those sober days together, though… and woah! I’ve stayed sober for a week! And so on. Also, another “gee, why didn’t I think of that?” tidbit that helped me is, Don’t pick up the first drink. So simple, I didn’t believe it. But imagine that… If you don’t have a first drink, you won’t have a second, third, tenth… =)