I'm doing 18 things
After all of that misery, all the drunken, weeping nights, feeling trapped, failing work, stressing relationships, escapism, self-loathing, hatred and soul-crushing that my life had become over the past few years, I am just now starting to feel like I have caught myself and am slowly getting in control of my life, step by step. More than anything, I notice how the little decisions add up and make a big difference in my life: every night I don’t get drunk, I make better choices and in general I am less lethargic and paralyzed feeling. Mostly its the little things: I choose to pay a bill or answer an email instead of ignoring it. I change little things at my job and actually work on the projects I am given instead of just mindlessly surfing the internet. I have the courage to stand up for myself and end a relationship that was making me unhappy. I have improved relationships with colleagues and friends and slowly, I hope to win back trust. In general I feel much more confident and in control. ALMOST ONE MONTH!! I can hardly believe it. I still have things to pull together and I still need to work on the “thriving rather than just surviving” part, but I can definitely say that I feel better. I do. I still have a long way to go but at least I can see the road now.
Pancho Villa's Life List
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1. Quit drinking.
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2. Work on being smarter, hotter, busier, more confident.
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3. Schedule my priorities
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4. One day at a time.
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5. Practice awareness.
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6. Write a plan for the next day every night and stick to it.
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7. Lose 20 pounds and keep it off.
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8. Act more like a professional artist.
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9. Eat healthy.
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10. Do 2-4 hours of art a day.
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11. Stop biting my nails.
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12. Get out of debt.
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13. Build an emergency fund.
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14. Read two full art magazines every month
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15. Eat 1200 calories a day on weekdays, 1500 on weekends
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16. Be a better employee
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17. Quit snooping and learn to trust.
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18. Thriving instead of just surviving.
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How I did it: So the long distance relationship phase is almost over (in a couple of weeks) and I learned so much. I traveled to the Middle East on my own and managed to survive with almost no money whatsoever. I learned to deal with failure, and make something of it. I did a residency and an artist talk. I made a successful, very complex artwork and had an exhibition under the most stressful conditions possible. I met a lot of people and made new frie… Read how I did it…
How I did it: I was miserable but a friend of mine who suffers from the same spirals of negative-thinking misery told me about this cognitive behavioral therapy she's doing, and how it's teaching her to recognize negative, unhealthy (and disordered) thought patterns and consciously change them. Since then I've been reading a lot about this and using some of the tricks to deal with my anxiety and overthinking, and it helps. I still have a bit of work to… Read how I did it…
How I did it: I asked everyone I know if they knew anyone who is hiring, and a friend finally told me about this job. I got SO LUCKY; unemployment in this city is through the roof in my field and everyone is getting laid off. Finally the stress of meeting my basic needs is sort of off my back for the first time in months. I haven't started yet (first day next week) but the job was basically tailor-made for me, around the corner from where I live, and I… Read how I did it…
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Well, now that I’m back after traveling (been back over 2 months) about 10 pounds has magically disappeared from my body. I’d still like to get rid of the other 10 but that requires some serious lifestyle changes not really possible until my financial/stress situation improves. But 10 pounds is a good start.
Well, I haven’t heard anything for officially 3 weeks now, though I have sent some emails and texts. I’m worried and a little sad about it, but also too busy even to think. Also, I just have to remember that he’s in a place with no phone and no internet (most of the time) and no time or privacy, and just trust that he’s not a douche. But it’s hard and a bit weird, and I don’t like the idea that maybe he HAS had access and just doesn’t give a shit. It’s hard not to be negative and stay positive.
Work and art coming along OK, finances still apocolyptic, need to find a job in the worst way. It’s hard to feel like I’m even in a relationship at all to be honest.
