lisa.

so. i went to the hospital a little over a week ago. and by hospital i mean the hospitalhospital not a mental institution. i knew as soon as i got there that whatever i had was a result of my binging and purging and laxative, diet pills, and cocaine use and my lack of a “substantial” diet for about four years now. i don’t use the laxatives or diet pills or cocaine any more and i suggest to people that you don’t use any. then it’s not you that is making you lose weight but some substance that eventually won’t be there. rely on yourself and it’ll make you stronger if you can. anyway. they couldn’t explain it… but i was discharged with colitis. i knew the explanation. as did my friend apparently, whom told the nurse in private the body image i had been struggling with since i was seven. she told me later what she had done. and you know what… they still released me! it makes me feel like shit. not that i wanted to be committed to rehab. but i can’t see if i look skinny and i think that if i am forced to go to a rehab place then maybe i am skinny. my question is… how little do you have to weigh in order to be committed? where is the line drawn? has anyone ever thought about that? like. you know there’s those girls that are taller than you and definetly skinner… why the fuck aren’t they being called anorexic and pushed into some mental institute. if they are not in rehab than i have no reason to be in rehab either. obviously i’m not skinny enough. i don’t deserve the help. i’d like to overcome this shit because it’s a tiring way to live… but at the same time i don’t want to get fat. anyway. that’s all. i was just thinking. if someone is thinking too, please respond.

stats:
5’5”
highest weight: 137
lowest weight: 104
current weight: 112
goal weight: 100

i’m tired of people who keep saying that you should stop being anorexic and realize how terrible it is for yourself. and that it’s a disease. blahblahblahblah. i think if you really are anorexic you’ve already realized that it’s a disease. you’ve already realized that no weight will truly satisfy you. you’ve already realized that someone will always look skinnier and better than you. you’ve probably binged. thrown up. or taken laxatives to shit yourself to sleep. maybe you’ve taken adderall or ritalin or epherdine or something to supress your appetite. maybe you’ve gone as far as snorting cocaine. smoking speed or crack. trying heroin. or maybe you just picked up cigarettes because it keeps your hands and mouth busy. i know that some person trying to type some inspirational words and giving you some help websites isn’t going to do anything. i know all the reasons as to why what i am doing is harmful and wrong. but you know what? i’m still fucking doing it. and i’ve been doing it. for four years now. i didn’t decide to be this way. and i’m not going to be able to decide to not be this way.
so keep saying that we should just eat right and exercise. balance diet and movement. but i can’t stop. i won’t stop. i’ll never be happy with my weight… but i’m sure as hell a lot happier with it now than i was before. people don’t say shit to me anymore. i imagine i’m enough bone to just crumble into the wall.

that’s all i really had to say.

oh and i’m 5’5”

highest weight: 137lbs
lowest weight: 104lbs
current weight: 112-116lbs
goal weight: 105lbs or less

oh boy!

so. i received one of the nicest comments today. a girl said she was craving a danish and looked at me and said, “God, I hate girls like you. You can probably eat anything you want and not gain a pound!” i mean. hahah. i’m not skinny enough to look that. and god knows anything i eat i have to work off twofold. but just to hear something like that…

so. i’m 114.5 lbs. a stable weight for the past ocuple of days. don’t try to lose weight too fast. lose a bit of weight. and hold it. let your body get used to it. let your metabolism adjust. and then lose more. i don’t know. it seems to work.